The Channel Island of Malaisey is often known as the "forgotten Channel Island". Larger than Guernsey, smaller than Jersey, both more southerly and closer to France. The origins of the name, Malaise, are unknown, but the tourism guides commonly joke that sea-sick sailors, suffering from the malaise of stormy weather, named the Island. It has a ministerial government, headed by the elderly First Minister, Gerry A. Trick, and an evening newspaper which comes out, obviously, at midday.
Malaisey Evening Post: Revamped Beach Café Opens
By our culinary correspondence, Ivor Nibble
Deputy Adam Smith of St Griddle's Parish is pleased to announce the re-opening of his beach café. It is now to be knows as a "Pretensione Beach Café", styled after Italian beach cafés of the same name.
"Italy has lots of these beach food outlets," he said, "and a 'pretensione' is a good name for a beach café with ideas above its station. This is the sort of place where anyone can come, it is very informal, and you might just as easily expect to see a young girl in a skimpy bikini alongside an Italian Prime Minister in a more formal suit, but hopefully not a birthday suit." Business meetings can also be conducted there, alongside "l'orgy di spiaggia di governo", which is a well known pastime for Italian politicians.
It is not now known whether the café still supplies "unpretentious comfort food", or whether it has gone more up market, like the owner Deputy Adam Smith of St Griddle, (author of "Wealth of Rations"), who has said, "Io sono il vero modello di uno stabilimento politico" and wants a single election day for meals (see the glossary at the end for an Italian phrase guide).
Music on a guitar will be provided by the Chief Officer of Health, as long as he can recover his free time by charging this to expenses. Or as he puts it, "per favore metti questo nelle spese."
Scribblings from Gerry Trick - Hug an Oak
(09 July 2009)
A former Senator, Neville Evergreen, was out hugging oaks this weekend, to prevent them being cut down. Apparently they have been infected with some nasty caterpillar which nibbles away and can cause all kinds of rashes to break out, rather like some members of the States of Malaisey. Neville said that there were cures for this kind of thing, but Senator Nero Corbusier, Minister for Planning and Environment, said he had all kinds of Masterplans for the environment, and they didn't include the oak trees. The Environment Department Songbook, which he referred to, had a special section all about this:
Tie a Yellow Chain-Saw Round the Old Oak Tree
It's now time for tears
Chopping down is free
If I don't see a chain-saw round the old oak tree
I'll make such a fuss
Nothing to discuss
Hack away with glee
If I don't see a yellow chain-saw round the old oak tree
I notice that Dick Sheepfold, otherwise known as "Demolition" Dick is planning another attempt to build on a field in Malaisey's green zone. "Demolition" Dick is well known for his dislike of 14th century farmhouse restaurants, which he managed to demolish on a Saturday when everyone was still in bed. "It's the early bulldozer that catches no fine", he said. After that he managed to get Oscar Scrumption, the former portly Minister for Transport Waste and Technical Services to allow him to dig up people's back gardens to lay drains, a case of "Tip Poo through the tulips". Now his fiendish plot is to build more houses on a green field in St Branflakes, and prevent cows from grazing there. Residents became alarmed when they saw yet another planning application, shortly after dastardly Dick had been spotted walking in the field, along with his dog Muttley.
Sir Robespierre d'Hatchet, our esteemed but retiring Bailiff says that Malaisey's States need to be tougher on members who break the rules. He cites people wanting to take off jackets, wearing sandals, rolling up trousers legs in hot weather, and speaking with their hands in their pockets as examples of the kind of appalling behaviour which shows standards are slipping. He also objected to Charlie Potter, the bespectacled scamp, over his use of language. "It is one thing to call me a 'mincing poodle'," he said, "but the use of the very basic terms 'crook' and 'liar' betrays a singular lack of imagination, and Mr Potter's invective has, of late, shown a sad but sharp decline."
Meanwhile, the Privileges Committee is bringing vote of censure against Charlie Potter. Constable Julie Galling, who heads the Committee, was quite indignant. "It is our privilege to censure Charlie Potter, and Sir Robespierre should let us get on with our job, and refrain from trying to bring down the guillotine on States members who insult him."
The pay of Malaisey States Members is coming up on the agenda. Because our pay year runs from a different starting point to States employees, we should get a good extra £1,000 this year, even if we have a pay freeze next year. The States employees have had a pay freeze this year, but that, I am told by Oz Lippy, the Treasury Minister, is the same as next year would be for us, or vice versa. I'm not too clear, myself, but it is a clever dodge, even if it means that States members have to live in a different time zone from the rest of Malaisey, and thus appear backwards compared to most of the population. As well as the pay, members also get the loan of a laptop, a free broadband line, an expenses allowance for Lobster Thermidor, the opportunity to join the Unity Club (Council of Ministers only) - and the use of at least one free parking space in town - and in the case of one Minister, according to an unconfirmed rumour, a free extra garage to house his Bentley.
I hear that the Attorney-General, Guilleaume D'Hatchet, has recently eased his workload by dropping a number of cases that were due to go before him on the grounds that there is not enough evidence. "It is one person's word against another," he said.
The eminent Oxford atheist comedian, Richard Donkey (author of "The Legal Delusion") says this is bound to upset a number of people who persist in a belief in some kind of abstract "Justice" out there. He goes on to say that when legal cases drop like flies, as these have been over the past month, it is an example of what he calls "The Beelzebub Effect". In his essay "Viruses of the Legal Mind", he writes that "A beautiful child close to me believes that Thomas the Tank Engine really exists. She believes in Judge John Deed, and when she grows up her ambition is to be a tooth fairy. She and her school-friends believe the solemn word of respected adults that tooth fairies and justice in Malaisey really exist, and evildoers will be punished in the end. What chance has she?"
And finally, out came the red capes, the funny hats, strange garments, and so on for a procession. It was not a convention of comic book superheroes, but the inauguration of the new Bailiff Martin Burke. At the moment he is plain "Mister Burke", but if precedent follows, he will end up with a knighthood - Burke's peerage!
Italian Phrases for Dignitaries and Chief Officers: A Short Glossary
| Cibo senza pretese | Unpretentious comfort food |
| Un singolo giorno di elezione per pasti | A single day elections for meals |
| Io sono il vero modello di uno stabilimento politico | I am the very model of an establishment politician |
| Proporzione della ricchezza | Wealth of rations |
| L'orgy di spiaggia di governo | Government beach orgy |
| Liberateci dai lunatici | Liberate us from lunatics |
| Protettore di Bangkok | |
| Suoni la chitarra? | Do you play the guitar?" |
| Per favore metti questo nelle spese | Please put this on expenses |
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