Friday, 12 June 2015

Funny Old World

Some news stories... with a twist.

Movie News

“Nothing can stop me now!” screeches mad scientist Professor Zaroff in the Doctor Who story “The Underwater Menace” when he plans to raise Atlantis.

The missing story is now being remade as a low budget fantasy movie, with a £200,000 advance from Economic Development, and retitled “The Waterfront Menace”. Alan Maclean is mooted to take on the role of Professor Zaroff. Due to the low budget, one planned office block upon Jersey’s esplanade will stand in for the city of Atlantis.

Film critic Barry Norman said: “This is one of the fishiest stories I have ever seen. I think it will bomb at the box office, but you have to admire the sheer audacity of the film makers in assuming it will make a return to them of around £50 million. And why not?”

Meanwhile Deputy Steve Luce has called for an iconic high rise building to feature in the sequel, "The Towering Waterfront Inferno", in which he can play the part of Paul Newman, the architect who design a building too high for fire crews to get up it.

A meeting at the Town Hall had Senator Maclean trying to explain why the movie was so important. He said: “We would like to explain our vision to islanders who are interested in, or concerned about, any aspects. This is a big budget blockbuster.”

Advisor Mark Boléro, an ice skater from the City of London, said: “This movie is well budgeted like my salary. It is not skating on thin ice.”

But protestor and former movie producer Sean Power called upon the British Board of Scrutiny Censors to class the move as “18”. “This is a movie all about mad men on a remote island destroying the world, and quite honestly it gives me nightmares,” he said, “If it was on the BBC, it would have to be shown after the Watershed. I don’t think the public want to see it anyway”.

It appears that the movie will not achieve widespread showing, as only the UBS chain of cinemas is prepared to show it at present.


Medium Term Financial Plan: Raise revenue by a stealth tax on sunshine. People who don’t pay will get strong, cold winds and the occasional thunderstorm. A pilot scheme is being tested in June by the Jersey Met Department. You may have noticed it.

Treasury Minister Alan Maclean says that he won’t rule out other stealth taxes. Possible options are to tax Winnie the Pooh with a sewage tax, and also levy a central property tax on the Five Hundred Acre Wood. The House at Pooh Corner will sold off by the States and demolished to make way for luxury apartments.

Jersey government spent £25m more than income in 2014. Senator Alan Maclean, Treasury Minister, said despite the deficit the accounts were in pretty good shape.

But Mr Micawber disagreed, saying that this was a deficit of Dickensian proportions "Annual income £649 million, annual expenditure £624 million, result happiness. Annual income £649 million, annual expenditure £674 million, result misery."

Compromise Agreement

Former States Treasurer Laura Rowley was paid compensation of £169,375 following her resignation last year. Treasury Minister Alan Maclean denied that Ms Rowley had been given a golden handshake “Gold is the half a million we paid to Bill Ogley”, he said, “This sum, while large, qualifies as only silver or bronze.”

This kind of arrangement is also called “compromise agreement” because it compromises the States payroll budget.

The former Treasury Minister remains incommunicado. Following his visit to South Africa, it is rumoured that Senator Philip Ozouf is planning a visit to China, where he will spend a month in a Trappist monastery in Tibet where he cannot be contacted. It’s called Skyping Off.

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