News from Nowhere: Earthquake in Malaisey

Encyclopaedia Insulae, 6th edition, 2014
 
The Channel Island of Malaisey is often known as the "forgotten Channel Island". Larger than Guernsey, smaller than Jersey, both more southerly and closer to France. The origins of the name, Malaise, are unknown, but the tourism guides commonly joke that sea-sick sailors, suffering from the malaise of stormy weather, named the Island. It has a ministerial government, headed by the Chief Minister, Gregory Grist, and a local Radio Station which has the jingle "From St Branflakes to St Griddles, from St Martha to St Sensible, this is BBC Radio Malaisey, bringing you news of fresh disasters from across the Island"
 
 
Earthquake Hits Malaisey.
 
Islanders were stunned yesterday when Andrew Toothpaste, the Minister for Economies with the Truth Development, announced to a packed gathering that he would be standing as Chief Minister of Malaisey.
 
"It was a seismic shock", said a BBC reporter, "which must have measured at least 4 on the Richter scale, and rippled through the Island, causing havoc at the Museum, where the Etch-A-Sketch exhibition was instantly ruined.
 
Here's the Richter scale provided by the Malaisey Met Officer, Mr Tiny Pillow.
 
1 - Small shocks, Malaisey Dean is suspended. But presumably not by the suspenders used to keep up his gaiters. What a gas!
 
2 - Loss of States Treasurer, followed by aftershocks as people realise there is a huge budget deficit and the Treasurer or the Treasury Minister kept quiet about it
 
3 - Bearded Environment Minister shaves off beard. Two magpies, a dragonfly, and a copy of Harry Belafonte singing "Island in the Sun" are found residing in it.
 
4 - Andrew Toothpaste standing for Chief Minister in the movie remake of Fantasy Island. £200,000 set aside for pre-production somewhere in Malaisey. X marks the spot.
 
5 - Sir Guillaume d'Hachet becomes Chief Minister, and declares Malaisey to be an independent state with himself as its first Monarch. He is crowned by the Reverend Gavcon Ashtree, Vicar of Gorric. In keeping with the independent tax haven status, Malaisey to be renamed as Monarcho.
 
In other news..
 
Bishop of Dorchester commissions an inquiry into the Columbo book, "The Dean's Death", which caused quite a stir when it was first released. The late Peter Falk stars as a detective who discovers that the Dean is not really dead after all, and as a result, Malaisey moves from the Diocese of Dorchester to that of Sole.
 
Filming the wild life documentary "Flight of the Condor" is delayed after the Condor bruises its wing, and has to be grounded for a month while vets decide whether or not it can feature on "Animal Hospital".
 
The IT project at Malaisey's hospital is millions of pounds short of its target. Hospital Minister Enid Prickly she has high hopes they'll feature in "Private Eye" under "Medicine Balls" alongside other notable UK IT failures in hospitals. There could even be TV success - We may even feature on 'Have I Got Bad News For You', under the picture spin quiz, where the Wheel of Shame stops at the person responsible for the project overspend".
 
Nursery News
 
Constable Plod goes to prison for misuse of Toytown funds. Once a respected citizen of Toytown, PC Plod used funds from Camberwell Town Hall to buy a conveyor belt, a microwave oven, a set of matching book ends, a fruit bowl, and a cuddly bear. Judge Bruce Foursieve said "You were planning on your own version of the generation game. Nice to see you, to see you, behind bars, nice."

News from Nowhere: Malaisey Enacts Treason Law and other News

Encyclopedia Insulae, 6th edition, 2014
 
The Channel Island of Malaisey is often known as the "forgotten Channel Island". Larger than Guernsey, smaller than Jersey, both more southerly and closer to France. The origins of the name, Malaise, are unknown, but the tourism guides commonly joke that sea-sick sailors, suffering from the malaise of stormy weather, named the Island. It has a ministerial government, headed by the Chief Minister, Gregory Grist, and a local Radio Station which has the jingle "From St Branflakes to St Griddles, from St Martha to St Sensible, this is BBC Radio Malaisey, bringing you news of fresh disasters from across the Island"
 
Malaisey Enacts Treason Law and other News
 
The small Channel Island of Malaisey has decided to enact a Treason Law, as it turns out that most of the other places in the Channel Islands, Great Britain, and even Zimbabwe and North Korea have treason laws.
 
The Chief Minister of Malaisey, Gregory Grist said "We have to correct what is a historical anomaly. Our laws are very different from those of the United Kingdom, and we need to be able to give people in Malaisey a fair trial over here before they are hung, drawn and quartered."
 
It is understood that a film company, Nevermore Productions, is looking to buy the rights to film any execution for treason, and will make a film, starring major film star, Captain Nemo. Filming is expected to begin in April, or May, or June, this year, or next year, or sometime in the next decade. Mr Guy Fawkes, the executive in charge, says that "gunpowder plots and treason will make for a great movie. It won't blow up in our faces."
 
Other laws concerning death by careless driving will have to take a back seat, as no one wants to make a film about them.
 
The Minister for Economic Extravagance, Andrew Toothpaste, says "We handed out £200,000, which is money well spent, but I can't comment on individual cases like this. And I have high hopes that something will turn up, according to my Chief Officer, Mr Micawber."
 
There is a hill outside of town, called Gallows Humour Hill, where prisoners were traditionally taken to be hung. The executioner would pull the lever, and the floor would slide away, and he would turn to face the crowd with the well-tried and tested formula "Well, they're not laughing now", which is how the hill came about its name.
 
The last public execution in Malaisey took place in 1814 when three police officers were hung out to dry after they had planted wasps, death watch beetles, and other bugs in a hansom cab travelling across Normandy without obtaining proper authority from the French. They received a ticking off.
 
The Chief Minister is also going to combine the Malaisey (Treason) Law, with the ability to fire Ministers, and a cannon is being made ready, salvaged from the Napoleonic Wars. Any Ministers who annoy him will leave the States Chamber at high speed. The cannon has been declared a listed building, along with the beard of the Planning Minister, Ron Hamster.
 
Meanwhile, Malaisey's iconic airport building has been scheduled for demolition, although Malaisey Heritage campaigner Archibald Eurobin says that he is confident that something can be salvaged. "I believe that even at this eleventh hour, all is not lost and something can be kept. Even if it is myself popping up on news programmes every five minutes, because I'm  an important part of the Island heritage". Archibald Eurobin is a Grade 2 Listed Building with Sash Windows and a Brass Door Knocker.
 
And finally, two new members took their place in the States of Malaisey today. Nigel Corn-Beef and Steve Mezzotint, recently elected, took their seats. The two Deputies are looking to form a new political party called "Infirm", which they hope will appeal to housebound pensioners and anyone else with mobility problems. In a time of ageing demographics, this is likely to be a sure-fire winner.