Friday, 20 April 2012

Specialist Tuition on Offer

Following the high take up (of one student from America by correspondence course) I'm offering tuition in popular specials subjects to students - either secondary school, university, or mature students. If you come across anyone who needs extra tuition, please let me know. Reasonable rates.


A course designed to imbue the incoming student with a feeling of basic helplessness in regard to the more pressing problems confronting the world he/she lives in. Discussions will cover such topics as the inevitability of the Rotten Society, the insignificance of the individual in world affairs and the adoption of a realistic attitude that everything is bound to get a lot worse before it gets better, if ever.


This survey course is geared to help the over-zealous student achieve the degree of apathy required on the college level. Lectures will concentrate on the futility of retaining such immature traits as ambition, ideals and a sense of school spirit.

Followed by: "Remedial Indifference"

Prerequisite to INTRODUCTION TO APATHY for unusually difficult students who refuse to accept the status quo even after they have gained a fuller understanding of it.


Especially designed to assist the naive student in conquering his/her immature desire to become involved in normal extra-curricular activities. Discussions will concentrate on loss of prestige, useless expenditure of energy and the lack of meaning in later life inherent in non-compulsory activities.


Although specifically designed to assist the incoming University student (who worked hard in school preparing for University acceptance) to adjust to goofing off now that they are here, this course also lays the foundation for apathetic lolling after graduation. All aspects of unproductive leisure time activity will be examined with special emphasis on prolonged day dreaming.


Learning to blame teachers, parents, employers and society in general for personal shortcomings will be the student's objective in this course. Guest lecturers from the Department of Speech will assist with instruction in whining.


For the second year student who has mastered the fundamentals of apathy, including the avoidance of responsibility and constructive participation, but who still experiences twinges of anxiety as to where his/her emerging lack of identity may lead them. This course enables the individual to drift with renewed confidence by pointing up how the growth of automation makes them increasingly unnecessary; the disintegrating world situation makes their future increasingly improbable, and the population explosion makes their inability to produce increasingly desirable.

PRINCIPLES AND METHODS OF CHEATING (all ages, discounts to politicians)

Areas covered to help students achieve better grades without studying or learning are microfilming techniques, trends in infra-red printing, skillful plagiarism and beating around the bush on final exams in 2,000 words or more.


Vital to the student whose incompetence has developed to the point where they can't even learn to cheat. This course enables such individuals to prepare acceptable term and examination papers through the frequent insertion of impressive but meaningless words and phrases. A free copy of Impressive Fake Quotes from Rumi, Lao Tzu and the Dalai Lama will be supplied.


Naive college students will learn to replace love, faith, happiness and similar unprofitable emotions with chromium worldly goods: large homes, high-powered sports cars, color television sets, yachts, jewelry, self-defrosting refrigerators that make round ice cubes, etc.

HUMAN SELECTIVITY (discount to politicians)

This course is constructed to teach the student to lean on others in order to survive. Experienced faculty members, long familiar with the cultivation of useful connections as opposed to meaningful relationships, will conduct Seminars to assist under-graduates in the selection of rich, brainy, influential acquaintances who will do, the student the most good after graduation.


Open only to students who have exhibited sufficient cunning to by-pass HUMAN SELECTIVITY. Instruction will concentrate on the choosing of a single member of the opposite sex to fulfill lifetime needs for wealth, job security, family position and a head start in career after graduation.


This course is designed to meet the needs of the second year University student who, inadvertently, has seen a relationship between two or more facts he/she learned as a first year fresher and finds themself unable to be totally apathetic about it.

DEVELOPMENT OF AESTHETIC DEPRECIATION (discount to architects and planning officers)

Students with little or no aesthetic awareness will receive guidance in producing a comfortable environment where their deficiencies can be maintained in later life. Instruction will include lectures in national park de-forestation, rural stream pollution, proper placement of highway billboards, suburban split-level home selection, trashy book and motion picture enjoyment, and approved methodology in general littering.


Creating the impression that you are not performing up to capacity, and mistakenly leading professors to believe that you are an intelligent and worldly individual is the basis of this course. Emphasis will be placed on obscure name-dropping, thought-provoking question-asking, feigned appreciation of professorial witticisms, and carrying books above your class and age level.


Invaluable to the student who seeks a passing grade without ever completing a homework assignment. This course offers guidance in skimming through unassigned reading material to create the assumption that you are engrossed in the subject and are pursuing it beyond established requirements. Instruction also is given in embarrassing professors through the memorization and use of foreign phrases with no particular meaning, frequent reference to non-existent theorems, and scoring academic points by citing analogies that don't apply to the discussion topic.

1 comment:

James said...

You're not offering a course on advanced complacency (discounted for politicians)? Oh wait, we probably don't need it because we're good enough at it as we are.