Funny Old World

Jersey pensioners get letter asking if they still exist
 
A letter sent to about 4,000 retired people in Jersey asking if they still exist has been described as offensive by some of those who received it. The Certificate of Existence was sent to people who used to work for the States of Jersey by the pensions department as part of an audit.
 
A spokesman for the Department said that "We need to know if these people are still alive, or have been cloned. The idea came to me after I watched a repeat of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, and wondered how many of our pensioners, still collecting their pensions, have been replaced by aliens, who are not entitled to taxpayers money."
 
If you suspect that your elderly neighbour does not exist, and has been replaced by an alien, contact Jim Bergerac at the newly set up Bureau des Extraterrestre, PO Box 666, Jersey.
 
There is also a rumour that pensioners have been vanishing around what is becoming known as the "Trinity Triangle", an area bound by the steam museum, the masts at Les Platons, and a cottage known as "Ioû Foûle".
 
Bunker Repairs Needed at Plemont
 
Work could soon start on a controversial housing development at Plemont after the planning minister issued a permit. Deputy Rob Duhamel said the developers would face a number of conditions. These include restoring a structure left by German occupying forces, preserving natural habitats and paying for a study into a puffin colony.
 
"If I am going to be embattled, I want to be able to relocate the Planning Department to Plemont", he said, "and a German structure would offer excellent opportunities for defence. Meanwhile, the nearby Puffin colony would supply me with Carrier Puffins, like Oscar Puffin, who could wing across and back from Channel Television with important news.
 
Jersey minister says internet led to youth crime drop
 
Young people using the internet and staying indoors more has led to a drop in youth crime, Jersey's home affairs minister claims. Senator Ian Le Marquand said: "A causative factor is young people staying at home and talking to each on chat lines on the internet."
 
But a leaked document highlights possible problems ahead. It said "The difficult question is whether the restrictions on porn proposed for Jersey internet users will block those chat lines and lead to an increase in youth crime".
 
Meanwhile it is rumoured that the Medical Officer of Health expressed concerns about youngsters not getting out and about too much. "It's bad when people sit in front of a computer and just tap away the day", says a leaked email from the Health department.
 
Keeping an ear out for bats
 
The monitoring of batty politicians in the Island is being stepped up to cover more places where they could be blogging. The work is part of a global project called iBats, which monitors batty politicians on Twitter around the world by recording the tweets they make when they should be listening to debates in Government. So far, around 13 Jersey politicians have been reported as being iBats. Volunteers are needed to help to collect batty tweets so that election prospects can be monitored and assessed. It is dangerous work, as reading too many politicians tweets has been known to cause permanent insanity.
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