Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Some Stories we Didn’t Read.

Some Stories we Didn’t Read.

Brexit: the three Chefs go to Westminster

Ian Gorst, Gavin St Pier and Howard Quayle are heading to Westminister for the finale of “The Great British Brexit”. So far, under Theresa May, commentators have seen this as "half baked".

Mel and Sue intend to question the three Chef Ministers on:

  • Reaction in the Crown Dependencies to the referendum on how tasty they see Leavers pies (the best pies in Blackburn).
  • The Crown Dependencies’ existing relationship with the European Unsalted Nuts, and how this would, or is likely to be, be affected by Brexit. 
For instance, would they have to have nuts salted, or no longer have easy access to pistachios, walnuts, cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, pecans, pine nuts, or peanuts.

There are three levels of nuts in the European Union, but the United Kingdom has voted to give up being nuts.

The potentially grave consequences of Brexit are also coming from Scotland, where Nicola Sturgeon has suggested Scotland might seek independence, replacing the Great British Bakeoff with the Greater Glaswegian Fry-Up.

Bob Key calls time after 11 years of fun and games

Chunky of build and ruddy of face, Key earned the nickname of Bob the Builder, and sounded like a brickie, too, with a distinctive Maidstone drawl that can now be heard across Sky Church's multifarious channels. Analysis comes easily to him for he practised it constantly, deconstructing each day’s sermons over an evening beer.

Writing in The Independent, Robin Scott-Elliot described Key as: "rosy-cheeked and red-necked beneath the sun, a touch too roly-poly and always with an eye on the time to tea."

The Dean is leaving to take up a position as part of the Archbishops' Evangelism Task Group, helping as an advocate between St Oggs Cathedral and larger churches.

The Dean has promised the congregation that he is going to return St. Ogg's Cathedral to its primitive roots. He wishes to replace the Bishop's comfortable throne with a large stone and make life less cosy so that people will pay attention to the sermons.

Chief Minister Quizzed Over Private Flights

(Cue: ominous theme music, "Approaching Menace"

The Late Magnus Magnusson is in the Chair. The spotlight is on Ian Gorst, who is sitting in that black chair.

Magnus: Your name please.

Ian Gorst: Ian Gorst

Magnus: Your occupation please.

Ian Gorst: Chief Minister of the States of Jersey

Magnus: Your specialist subject is Collective Responsibility. You have 5 seconds, starting now.

Magnus: How many private flights have been booked by the States of Jersey since 2011?

Ian Gorst: The information required to respond in full to this questions is being collated and quality assured

Magnus: I'm sorry is that a pass?

Ian Gorst: Pass the buck.

Magnus: Can you tell me the name of the policy which let immigration of 1,500 people into Jersey last year?

Ian Gorst: Special Pass.

Magnus: How do States members get free parking at the Airport? (Beeping starts).

Ian Gorst: Airport Pass

Magnus: Mr Gorst, you passed on three, and got three correct answers.

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