Funny Old World 10

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

The size of households in Jersey is shrinking, new figures in the 2011 Census reveal. The results show there are now on average 2.3 people per private dwelling in the island - that is down on 2.4 people ten years ago, and 2.5 twenty years ago.

Our reporter went out in search of the 0.3 of a person. "It can be difficult at times," said Miss Thora Third of La Moye Cuttings, St Brelade, "as we are still expected to pay full taxes and social security, which is not really fair." Another 0.3 of a person said "I'm a young person, and the media are always picking on young people as troublemakers, but as 0.3 of a person, they should note I'm quite armless."

Duncan Le Figure at the States Statistics Unit said: "That number we've recorded over the decades actually, through census, has been declining. The part-people are shrinking, and if you wanted to remake the Disney cartoon in Jersey, it would be Snow White and the 3 1/2 dwarves."

Inflation in Jersey rose by 5% during 2011, says the States Statistics Unit. The report shows that politician's egos expanded during the election campaign last October and that was a key contributor to inflation. "There was a lot of extra hot air", said a spokesman, adding that "cheesy and processed politicians increased by more than 15%. But there was a decline in vegetables, caused by some older States members retiring or failing to be elected. "

Accountancy firm firm Scrooge and Marley has boosted the part of its practice that deals with business failures as a result of buying part of a rival service provider. The firm, whose headquarters are in Kensington Place, has bought the insolvency and restructuring arm of Beggars Traynor in the Channel Islands. The other arm, legs, torso and head are still available for sale to any bidder.

Police in Jersey will be targeting known criminals. Officers said they hoped Operation Hornet would help deal with an overall increase in break-ins in the island. A spokesman said that "The release of a special squad of a thousand hornets will be trained to seek out burglars and sting them on their fingers. Then all we have to do is to capture them when they go to Accident and Emergency, where they will be caught red-handed."

A Christian group in Jersey is set to buy a former cinema to turn it into a community centre. The former Odeon cinema, on the corner of Bath Street, in St Helier, has fallen into disrepair since it shut three years ago. The Freedom Church is now planning to buy the cinema. Pastor James Bond, a spokesman for the church, said: "Our vision is to re-generate and transform the landmark building. It will once again become a hive of activity, with as we will also be training the police hornets under someone called Q in our secret service."

Politicians must wear badges with picture warnings to be in Jersey from Wednesday. The health department said politicians have had a year to prepare for the new regulations. Health Minister Deputy Anne Pryke said: "We hope placing warnings on politicians will put young people off from voting." The health department said adding a picture to the existing warnings on politicians had encouraged some voters to quit.

The head of health improvement at the health department, said: "States members continue to be a significant cause of avoidable death and disease. It is important that these measures are put in place as they will reinforce existing support to help people give up voting."

The planning authorities have turned down a scheme for homes on the site of a former Jersey campsite.They rejected plans for four houses. According to a leaked memo from planning, the design would be too sympathetic to the environment because (1) it was only four houses and not ten flats (2) it was tucked away in a quiet area overlooking no one and not at Greve Le Lecq overlooking the entire bay.

A faster planning process would secure the future of Jersey's building industry, says the chairman of the construction council. Builder Mr Floyd Pink said projects getting under way more quickly would help improve the economy, especially builders, as they were often pillars of society. Economic Development Minister Senator Alan Maclean said the States was supporting the construction industry as best it could, and wanted to cement contracts in place.

Senator Maclean said the States injected tens of millions of pounds into the building industry two years ago and that there were others projects in the pipeline. But Constable Philip Rondel complained that he hadn't seen any more pipelines or main drains in the Parish of St John for many years.

Meanwhile builder Mr Floyd Pink released a musical single to raise awareness of the plight of the building industry:

We don't need no competition
We don't need no planning control
No luxury flats - now that means gloom
Planning give us building zone
Hey! Planning! Give us building zone
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

I don't need no red tape around me
And I don't need no listed place, see
I have seen the writing on the wall.
I need planning projects or I'll fall
And no shops much in Liberty mall
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.