Funny Old World 15

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

People in Jersey are being asked to watch out for toads and report any they find to the island's Toadwatch Campaign. The Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust said the common native toad, Politicus Drivellus, had been disappearing from areas where it was once common. A spokesman said "We used to see lots of those toads, and they'd make a distinctive droning noise, which was rather like snoring. We even had one well-known one that we nicknamed 'Terry the Toad'. Sadly those kind of toads are in decline."

An appeal to boycott a new Electoral Commission has been made by the former politician who originally brought it to the States. Daniel Wimberley, who proposed the electoral commission in 2011, said it had been "stolen by the establishment". The public have been asked to inform the police if they see any sittings of the Commission, as it has been reported as stolen property. It is understood that Professor Sir Philip Moriarty, author of "The Dynamics of a Political Black Hole" may have been involved.

Pensioners receive more help from the States than any other age group in Jersey, the Social Security Minister has said, as he turned down a mechanism to help pensions stop being eroded by inflation. It is understood that the Minister is a runner up for the "Poacher Turned Gamekeeper" awards to be given by Age Relief later this year.

The first same-sex couples will be able to enter into civil partnerships within weeks after a landmark law was approved in the States yesterday. All kinds of subsidiary laws had to be changed, including the Public Libraries (Jersey) Law which had to be changed so same sex couples could have a joint library card, and the Drugs Abuse (Jersey) Law which had to be changed so same sex couples could be charged by police for having a joint together.