Monday, 22 May 2017

Some Comic Cuts

Some Comic Cuts

That's Life

A sequence of mistakes in the small adverts of a newspaper, as recounted by Cyril Fletcher on “That’s Life”:

Monday: "The Rev. A.J. Agland has one color TV set for sale. Telephone 626-1313 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Jordan who lives with him, cheap."

Tuesday: "We regret any embarrassment caused to Rev. Agland by a typographical error in yesterday's paper. The ad should have read: 'The Rev. A.J. Agland has one color TV set for sale, cheap...Telephone 626-1313 and ask for Mrs. Jordan, who lives with him after 7 p.m.'"

Wednesday: "The Rev. A.J. Agland informs us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of an incorrect ad in yesterday's paper. It should have read: 'The Rev. A.J. Agland has one color TV set for sale, cheap. Telephone 626-1313 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Jordan who loves with him.'"

Thursday: "Please take notice that I, the Rev. A.J. Agland, have no color TV set for sale; I have smashed it. Don't call 626-1313 anymore. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Jordan. She was, until yesterday, my housekeeper.'"

Friday: "Wanted: a housekeeper. Usual housekeeping duties. Good pay. Love in, Rev. A.J. Agland. Telephone 626- 1313.'"

From “Beyond the Fringe”

Peter Cook: We are using the technology known as the "Identikit." Are you familiar with it?

Alan Bennett: Isn't that where you piece together the face of the criminal?

Peter Cook: Not entirely, no. We're only able to piece together the appearance of the face of the criminal. We can't quite piece together the actual face of the criminal, unfortunately. Once you've located the face of the criminal, the rest of him isn't hard to find.

From “Yes Minister”

Sir Humphrey: Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

Jim Hacker: Why should today be any different?

Sir Humphrey: Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

Jim Hacker: I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?

Not Only... But Also
With Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

Pete: Well, see, if there’s a fatality, if the bus is involved in a fatal accident of any kind, it’s the people up the front who get killed first, and the people up the back who get killed last.

Dud:  Well, you get killed all the same though, don’t you?

Pete: Yeah, well you get killed about two seconds later, you see, and in those last two seconds of your life you might suddenly start to believe in God, or you’d be able to make out your will or something like that.

The Two Ronnies

“West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.” “After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.” “

We’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned.” “

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass, motorists are told to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”

Grove Books Jokes: Four Worms and a Lesson
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon:

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol—Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke—Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup—Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil—Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, ‘What can you learn from this demonstration?’

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!’

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