Funny Old World 7

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

Package holiday days 'are over' says Jersey tour operator. Valerie Singleton, managing director of the Channel Island Travel Group, said she believes the days of standard package holidays are over. "The days when people would get in a cardboard box, allow themselves to be sealed in with brown paper and sticky back plastic, and have the whole package sent to the Channel Islands are over," she said. John Noakes, KPMG's head of travel, leisure and tourism, agrees. "More and more travellers opt for self-packaging online and niche solutions," he said, "and no one wants Blue Peter packaging where the tour operation prepared a standard package in advance when you can go directly to the Amazon online."

PROPOSED three-story development on Petit Port hill was described by angry neighbours as a 'huge glass box that will ruin the headland' yesterday morning. Concerns for privacy were other issues raised by the residents of the Petit Port Close residents committee at the meeting. "If people live in a huge glass box," said one resident, the late Mary Whitehouse, "there will be complaints about them exposing themselves to their neighbours. It's indecent."

Passengers travelling from Portsmouth by ferry have arrived in St Helier harbour in Jersey after spending 24 hours at sea. The Commodore Clipper was not able to dock at the Jersey port after the captain decided the strong winds and big seas made it too dangerous. The passengers on board were given free food and drinks, and a sing-a-long was organised.

Slow, slow, slow your boat,
Rough waves make you scream
Ghastly, ghastly, ghastly, ghastly
Sadly not a dream

The passengers on board all belonged to the Jersey Union Unite, and they said that the increase in food and drink offered by the States of Jersey was derisory, and there was more stormy waters ahead before they would strike anchor.

A giant wave was also spotted off the east coast of Jersey, but the Chief Minister's office refused to say who was waving goodbye, and how high their wave off was because it would breach King Neptune's privacy.

Fisheries officers will talk to anglers about conservation and regulations when they visit popular fishing areas in Jersey. The Environment department said while most leisure fishermen stick to the rules to conserve fish stocks, there was still a need for fisheries officers to visit popular areas. They would enforce the regulations and carry out educational activities such as handing out i-Spy Fish booklets. The economic development minister has approved the appointment of two fisheries officers, Henry Turbut and Hayley Haddock, to do the out-of-hours visits.

Minister says Jersey media reports were 'exaggerated'. Senator Le Marquand said he was issuing the statement to correct the worst exaggerations about his similarity to the Television character Mr Bean. "The media reports have been misleading in places," he said, "and I would like to set the record straight that I do not have a teddy bear that I take on holiday with me."

New year honours were handed out to Islanders. For those unfamiliar with the terms, and what they mean, here is a brief guide:

LVO = Low Value Objects. The Chief of Staff at Jersey's Government House got one of these from amazon.royal.com. There's currently a move afoot by the British government to stop them in the Channel Islands.

CBE = Cheesy Beef Eaters. This is not available for vegetarians. Recipients carry pikes and wear silly hats.

MBE = Multi-Band Emitter. People who get this like to tell other people about their honour. A lot.

OBE = Overtaken By Events. Former Chief Minister Terry Le Sueur received this.

St Aubin's Harbour in Jersey is to be cleared of mud. Boat owners had complained it was preventing them from working on their boats and was spoiling people's enjoyment of the port. A mound of mud will be cleared from the harbour in March, followed by a complete dredging starting in September. In the meantime, a protest is being carried on by boat owner Roy Deeming, who has staged a production of his very own boating song.

Mud, mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
I've had promises, promises, all sounding hollow
But the States just delay, and wallow in mud
And St Aubin's harbour, it is not so nice
Nothing yet done, when push comes to shove
But only glib talking, and endless advice
Trickling down, the words from above
Like thunder the harbour re-echoed the sound
Of politicians delay, behind the ears wet
I tell in truth, and my boat is aground
A picture in truth just for La Baguette

Now more muddy banks began to convene
The entrance so difficult, not very wide
I wonder now what am I to say of the scene
Of boats now stranded on mud till high tide
And anchors away, with an ear-splitting sposh
And only uplifted with help of a crane
Boat owners despair, and give up a sigh
Singing along with this haunting refrain

Mud, mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood
I've had promises, promises, all sounding hollow
But the States just delay, and wallow in mud