Funny Old World

Deputy Rob Duhamel faces the challenges of asbestos and sea lettuce. What can he do? Will Planning and Environment both sing from the same song sheet?

I drove my tractor through your beach cafe last night
Lots of asbestos container numbers  I'm keeping quiet
Now something's telling me that you've avoiding me,
Come on now darling
Waste and rubble. Developer's greed.

'Cause I got a brand new seaweed harvester and I'll give you the key
Come on now, let's get together
In perfect harmony
I got a beach of green slimy stuff, all going for free
Now let's make it all plant food, get rid of it, that's the key

I'll stick by you and give you all that you need
Asbestos hazards solved. Don't take bets.
I'm lots of suggestions for seaweed
And you know I'll ramble on darling
So give me your hand
Oh, the thing I want the most is all that white beach sand.

Elsewhere in the news, Jersey hospital waiting times 'not good enough' says minister. It is currently taking about eight months to see a specialist and another eight months for an operation. Constable John Refault said it could take up to eight months to see a specialist and about the same amount of time again to then get an operation, by which time many individuals have died, and been long dead and buried.

Jersey's new police station should not be built in Green Street car park, according to St Helier officials who yesterday refused to support the project.  The project, which is known locally as Ozouf's Folly, has already been amended so that it will be  be one story lower than originally planned. 

The number of tall stories surrounding the site are already considerable, including those provided by Philip Ozouf, John Le Fondre, and Chris Swinton, and the new police station will probably feature in the next edition of "Jersey Folklore", along with the strange tale of how three Jersey wizards flew to Barbados and back by black magic, conjuring up expenses by their dark arts.

Electoral submissions cease. The closing date for the submissions have passed. Samples of submissions are as follows:

Evening All. The Constables are the backbone of our Parish. We are the people who keep on the Parish beat, out and about in the Community. We are in touch with local people on the neighbourhood beat, dealing with routine crime and social problems. We need to keep the Constables in the States. George Dixon (deceased).

Brothers! The Constables are part of the petit bourgeoisie, who trample on the rights of the proletariat. We need to remove the Constables from the States to ensure a democratic mandate. It is time they went. Come the revolution, they will all have to answer to the Committee of Public Safety. Power to the People. (Citizen Smith, St Helier Popular Front)

The Deputies should stay with their Parishes. Otherwise, I won't be able to go to Parish events, get myself in the Parish magazine, and get re-elected. I'll have to listen to people on Island matters to get elected. Hear what people from other Parishes have to say. Compete against other candidates. Lose my safe seat. Where will it end? (Deputy John Rotten-Borough).

There should be a barrier to stop riff-raff from entering the States. It's appalling that we have to put up with that rubbish. Some States members are not worth £40,000. They are all too busy sticking their noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't they? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. I have seen more intelligent creatures than States members lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than States Members running round farmyards with their heads cut off. We need a better class of clientele. Let's have election deposits up to £1,000. (Basil Fawlty, Hotelier)

My suggestion would be hold all elections on a Sunday guaranteeing a higher turnout if an event ( food festival etc) is staged to build extra interest. (Stuart Abraham)