Thursday, 24 July 2014

News from Nowhere: Earthquake in Malaisey

Encyclopaedia Insulae, 6th edition, 2014
The Channel Island of Malaisey is often known as the "forgotten Channel Island". Larger than Guernsey, smaller than Jersey, both more southerly and closer to France. The origins of the name, Malaise, are unknown, but the tourism guides commonly joke that sea-sick sailors, suffering from the malaise of stormy weather, named the Island. It has a ministerial government, headed by the Chief Minister, Gregory Grist, and a local Radio Station which has the jingle "From St Branflakes to St Griddles, from St Martha to St Sensible, this is BBC Radio Malaisey, bringing you news of fresh disasters from across the Island"
Earthquake Hits Malaisey.
Islanders were stunned yesterday when Andrew Toothpaste, the Minister for Economies with the Truth Development, announced to a packed gathering that he would be standing as Chief Minister of Malaisey.
"It was a seismic shock", said a BBC reporter, "which must have measured at least 4 on the Richter scale, and rippled through the Island, causing havoc at the Museum, where the Etch-A-Sketch exhibition was instantly ruined.
Here's the Richter scale provided by the Malaisey Met Officer, Mr Tiny Pillow.
1 - Small shocks, Malaisey Dean is suspended. But presumably not by the suspenders used to keep up his gaiters. What a gas!
2 - Loss of States Treasurer, followed by aftershocks as people realise there is a huge budget deficit and the Treasurer or the Treasury Minister kept quiet about it
3 - Bearded Environment Minister shaves off beard. Two magpies, a dragonfly, and a copy of Harry Belafonte singing "Island in the Sun" are found residing in it.
4 - Andrew Toothpaste standing for Chief Minister in the movie remake of Fantasy Island. £200,000 set aside for pre-production somewhere in Malaisey. X marks the spot.
5 - Sir Guillaume d'Hachet becomes Chief Minister, and declares Malaisey to be an independent state with himself as its first Monarch. He is crowned by the Reverend Gavcon Ashtree, Vicar of Gorric. In keeping with the independent tax haven status, Malaisey to be renamed as Monarcho.
In other news..
Bishop of Dorchester commissions an inquiry into the Columbo book, "The Dean's Death", which caused quite a stir when it was first released. The late Peter Falk stars as a detective who discovers that the Dean is not really dead after all, and as a result, Malaisey moves from the Diocese of Dorchester to that of Sole.
Filming the wild life documentary "Flight of the Condor" is delayed after the Condor bruises its wing, and has to be grounded for a month while vets decide whether or not it can feature on "Animal Hospital".
The IT project at Malaisey's hospital is millions of pounds short of its target. Hospital Minister Enid Prickly she has high hopes they'll feature in "Private Eye" under "Medicine Balls" alongside other notable UK IT failures in hospitals. There could even be TV success - We may even feature on 'Have I Got Bad News For You', under the picture spin quiz, where the Wheel of Shame stops at the person responsible for the project overspend".
Nursery News
Constable Plod goes to prison for misuse of Toytown funds. Once a respected citizen of Toytown, PC Plod used funds from Camberwell Town Hall to buy a conveyor belt, a microwave oven, a set of matching book ends, a fruit bowl, and a cuddly bear. Judge Bruce Foursieve said "You were planning on your own version of the generation game. Nice to see you, to see you, behind bars, nice."

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