Wednesday, 19 March 2014

News from Nowhere: Malaisey Enacts Treason Law and other News

Encyclopedia Insulae, 6th edition, 2014
The Channel Island of Malaisey is often known as the "forgotten Channel Island". Larger than Guernsey, smaller than Jersey, both more southerly and closer to France. The origins of the name, Malaise, are unknown, but the tourism guides commonly joke that sea-sick sailors, suffering from the malaise of stormy weather, named the Island. It has a ministerial government, headed by the Chief Minister, Gregory Grist, and a local Radio Station which has the jingle "From St Branflakes to St Griddles, from St Martha to St Sensible, this is BBC Radio Malaisey, bringing you news of fresh disasters from across the Island"
Malaisey Enacts Treason Law and other News
The small Channel Island of Malaisey has decided to enact a Treason Law, as it turns out that most of the other places in the Channel Islands, Great Britain, and even Zimbabwe and North Korea have treason laws.
The Chief Minister of Malaisey, Gregory Grist said "We have to correct what is a historical anomaly. Our laws are very different from those of the United Kingdom, and we need to be able to give people in Malaisey a fair trial over here before they are hung, drawn and quartered."
It is understood that a film company, Nevermore Productions, is looking to buy the rights to film any execution for treason, and will make a film, starring major film star, Captain Nemo. Filming is expected to begin in April, or May, or June, this year, or next year, or sometime in the next decade. Mr Guy Fawkes, the executive in charge, says that "gunpowder plots and treason will make for a great movie. It won't blow up in our faces."
Other laws concerning death by careless driving will have to take a back seat, as no one wants to make a film about them.
The Minister for Economic Extravagance, Andrew Toothpaste, says "We handed out £200,000, which is money well spent, but I can't comment on individual cases like this. And I have high hopes that something will turn up, according to my Chief Officer, Mr Micawber."
There is a hill outside of town, called Gallows Humour Hill, where prisoners were traditionally taken to be hung. The executioner would pull the lever, and the floor would slide away, and he would turn to face the crowd with the well-tried and tested formula "Well, they're not laughing now", which is how the hill came about its name.
The last public execution in Malaisey took place in 1814 when three police officers were hung out to dry after they had planted wasps, death watch beetles, and other bugs in a hansom cab travelling across Normandy without obtaining proper authority from the French. They received a ticking off.
The Chief Minister is also going to combine the Malaisey (Treason) Law, with the ability to fire Ministers, and a cannon is being made ready, salvaged from the Napoleonic Wars. Any Ministers who annoy him will leave the States Chamber at high speed. The cannon has been declared a listed building, along with the beard of the Planning Minister, Ron Hamster.
Meanwhile, Malaisey's iconic airport building has been scheduled for demolition, although Malaisey Heritage campaigner Archibald Eurobin says that he is confident that something can be salvaged. "I believe that even at this eleventh hour, all is not lost and something can be kept. Even if it is myself popping up on news programmes every five minutes, because I'm  an important part of the Island heritage". Archibald Eurobin is a Grade 2 Listed Building with Sash Windows and a Brass Door Knocker.
And finally, two new members took their place in the States of Malaisey today. Nigel Corn-Beef and Steve Mezzotint, recently elected, took their seats. The two Deputies are looking to form a new political party called "Infirm", which they hope will appeal to housebound pensioners and anyone else with mobility problems. In a time of ageing demographics, this is likely to be a sure-fire winner.

1 comment:

Nick Palmer said...

Yippee! Only trouble is, since we last had news from Malaisey, I think Jersey politics has deteriorated to the point where it is now almost beyond lampooning or satire!