Monday, 4 May 2026

A Short Story: Individual Cases













"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!" — Amos 5:24 (NIV)

This is a fiction. There is no lantern in Conway Street. All names are not based on real people. Now I know that political change needs to be well financed. We cannot just spend. But I think there is a lot of extravagant waste. The Broad Street project - did we really need it so urgently? Fort Regent - we have not yet started building a hospital, and yet this is planned with huge borrowings. Is this progress?

Here are some words I came across which I think show where priorities should lie.

Progress cannot be measured just by the passion with which we hold our ideals or the number of resolutions we pass or meetings we attend to achieve them. It has to be measured by the real difference we make to the majority of people’s lives.

The test of whether we are living up to our ideals for social justice has to be:

• the poor mother and family and whether they are able to rise out of poverty
• the sick patient and whether he or she is guaranteed the best free health care
• the insecure pensioner and whether he or she is made more secure, guaranteed dignity in retirement; and
• most of all, because we are for the future, that a vulnerable child left out, left behind and losing out receives the best possible opportunity in education and a better start in life.

And rather than bleating on about this, let's put it all into a story.

Individual Cases

When Deputy Matthew Le Marquand resigned, the island barely blinked. The headlines flared for a day, then vanished beneath talk of parish rates and the next Atlantic storm.

But for Anna Le Brocq, standing outside the States Chamber with the wind whipping in from Elizabeth Castle, the resignation felt like a rug pulled from under her. Three years she had worked beside him,  drafting letters, answering calls, listening to islanders who came with their stories. Now she was simply… surplus.

“Politicians come and go,” she murmured, watching civil servants stream out for lunch. “But the mission should outlast them.”

She walked down to Conway Street, past the cafés and charity shops, until she reached the old parish lantern fixed above a small lane. Now converted to electricity, it had once burned for more than a century, lit each night by caretakers who believed no street should be left in darkness.

Anna touched the cold iron. A movement with a soul, she thought. That not was what she had believed politics could be. Not the endless debates over clauses and sub‑clauses, not the evasions, not the ritual phrase she had heard too many times: “We can’t talk about individual cases.”

She had come to hate that line. It was the refuge of the comfortable. Because politics was individual cases,  or it was nothing. It was the poor mother in a St. Helier bedsit. The pensioner in St. Ouen choosing between heating and food. The child in Year 7 who needed a fair start. If you couldn’t talk about them, what exactly were you doing?

Her phone buzzed again, this time an email. The subject line read: “Please help. I don’t know what else to do.” It was from a deaf man she had met once at a parish meeting, someone living with severe mental‑health difficulties. He wrote that he had seen the latest government press release about crisis support. Every single one ended the same way: “If you are struggling, call this emergency number.” He wrote: “Call? How? I can’t call. They never think of us. They never think.” 

Anna felt the words like a stone in her chest. There it was again, the system’s blind spot, the casual assumption that everyone could navigate the world in the same way. And the worst part was knowing that if she raised it, someone would shrug and say, “We can’t talk about individual cases.” As if the man’s suffering were an inconvenience rather than the very reason public service existed.

Her mobile buzzed. A message from Mrs Renouf, the widow in St. Clement whose pension review had stalled the moment the Deputy stepped down.

Any update, love? I’m getting worried.

Anna felt the familiar twist in her chest. Powerlessness. The worst feeling of all. To see a wrong and be told you had no authority to right it. To know what needed doing and be told to wait for “process”.

She typed back: I’ll come by tomorrow. We’ll sort it.

As she slipped the phone away, and walked back to the Royal Square, she noticed a boy sitting on the steps by the States Chamber, hugging a thin schoolbag. His shoes were worn through at the toes.

“You alright?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Mum’s working late. I wait here till she finishes at the Co‑op.”

“What year are you in?”

“Year 7. I want to be an engineer. Build things. Fix things.”

There it was again, the quiet determination of a child who deserved better than the hand he’d been dealt. A vulnerable child left out, left behind, losing out… That was the real test of any society.

Anna sat beside him and pulled a notebook from her bag. “Show me your maths homework.”

For twenty minutes they worked through fractions and angles as dusk settled over St. Helier. When his mother arrived, tired, grateful, apologising, Anna felt something shift inside her. 

As they walked away, she looked again at the lantern above the shop. Its light glowed steady against the darkening sky.

Maybe she didn’t need a title to make a difference. Maybe politics wasn’t always in the Chamber, but in the lives of the people who were always dismissed as “individual cases”.

She straightened her shoulders and stepped into the wind.

There was work to do.

Sunday, 3 May 2026

More Short Stories: At First Light













This is based on a well known hymn, but also what Chesterton said of God in his wonderful book "Orthodoxy", about God never tiring of the act of creation. There is also a touch of autobiography there.

At First Light

I woke before the alarm, though I couldn’t have said why. Something in the air felt different, lighter, expectant, as though the world were holding itself open for me alone. I lay still for a moment, listening. No cars yet, no footsteps on the lane. Only the soft, deliberate call of a blackbird somewhere beyond the garden wall.

I rose quietly and pushed the window open. Cool morning air drifted in, carrying the faint sweetness of wet earth. Rain had passed through in the night, washing everything clean. The garden below glistened as though it had been remade while I slept.

I stepped outside barefoot. The grass was cold, but not unkind. Dew clung to my skin, waking me more gently than any alarm ever could. I breathed deeply, letting the freshness settle inside me.

It reminded me of childhood and those early mornings when I would slip out before anyone else stirred, convinced I was the first person ever to see the sun rise. Back then, dawn felt like a secret shared only with me. I realise now that the feeling hasn’t entirely left. 

I would embrace the fresh air, the dawn breeze, and I would sometimes even cartwheel around the garden. Age and infirmity mean that is no longer possible, except in the hidden garden of memory.

I walked slowly along the garden path, touching petals as I passed. The roses bowed under the weight of dew, fragile yet determined. The air smelled of promise. Renewal. A quiet assurance that life, however bruised or tangled, always found a way to begin again.

At the far end of the garden stood the old wooden bench. I sat, letting the sunlight warm my face. The blackbird’s song rose again, so clear, confident and unhurried. It wasn’t performing. It was simply being. 

I closed my eyes.

For a moment I imagined the world at its first dawn, a myth yes, but a myth is a dream alive. It was untouched, unspoiled, shimmering with possibility. Light falling on grass that had never known a footprint. Water glistening on leaves that had never been shaken by wind. A garden waiting for its first visitor. It was like Narnia before Aslan sang the world into being.

I breathed in slowly, letting the thought settle.

Every morning is a small echo of that first one. A reminder that no matter what has been lost, no matter what sorrow has taken root, the day ahead is unclaimed. Unwritten. A gift.

When I opened my eyes again, the sun had climbed a little higher, turning the dew into scattered sparks. The blackbird hopped along the wall, head tilted, as if checking that I was paying attention.

“I am,” I whispered.

I stood, steadier now, and walked back toward the house. The day would bring its tasks, its challenges, its ordinary burdens. But it would also bring light. And song. And the quiet, persistent truth that creation is not a single moment long ago, but something renewed with every dawn.

A new day had broken. And I was ready to step into it.

Saturday, 2 May 2026

Beltane Visions
























I wanted to capture something of the Gaelic Beltane, but also with the theme of fire, have a glance at the way the sorry state of our poor world now.

Beltane Visions

We gather in a circle for time of fire:
This is the time for renewed desire;
In the purifying smoke, the in between,
Cattle and farmers are made clean;
Romans in the South don’t understand,
The power of Beltane to enrich the land;
We Gaels and Picts have this ancient rite,
When our Beltane fire is set alight;
Now our shaman looks into the flame,
Strange portents that are hard to name:
City gleaming turned to rubble and dust,
Falling metal strikes, and does combust;
The trees burned in heat, the wildfire,
As if the ending of our beloved shire;
These but shadows, that may not come,
For we may allay them in our beating drum:
The chanting of the year, where fairy folk,
Come and bless us, through the smoke;
Beltane Blessings keep us safe, bring light,
Over hill and dale, free from the wight,
That shadows depart for now at least,
While we enjoy the Beltane feast.

Friday, 1 May 2026

1986 - 40 years ago - May - Part 1












1986 - 40 years ago - May - Part 1

April 28—May 4

MR Barry Shelton, the director of a company declared en desastre in 1982, calls for the resignation of the Viscount, Mr Mike Wilkins. He also asks the Attorney-General to look into the Viscount's handling of the case involving the company, Jomen Ltd.

A man escapes with coins and rings worth £1,600 from a King Street jewellery shop. Staff at H. Samuel disturb the thief as he grabs the valuables from an open safe in the rear of the premises.

Traces of radioactive fallout from the Chernobyl power station accident in Russia are found in samples of milk and grass taken in the Island but they are dismissed as "minimal" by the Civil Emergency Officer, Col. Bill Clayden.

Antonio and Veronica Mileti, a couple involved in a "sham" home buying scheme to evade Housing regulations, are each fined £15,000 by the Royal Court.

The vice-president of the Public Health, Deputy Robin Rumboll, says that the committee will not support a contribution to the cost of keeping the Netley Castle convalescent home in Southampton open. He adds that this might prejudice the present reciprocal health agreement with the UK.

The Parish of St Mary says farewell to its Rector, The Rev. Michael Harrison. Mr Harrison's place is to be filled by the Rev. Peter Manton until a permanent successor

Evidence given by suspended St Helier Centenier Peter Pearce is called into question at the Police Court. The Centenier's account of the arrest of a man accused of assaulting the police is alleged to be at variance with evidence given by States Police officers.

May 5-11

INFORMATION about Jersey's "blueprint for the future", Volume 2 of the Island Plan, indicates that greater efforts are to be made to preserve the countryside.

The Frenchman detained after a shotgun siege in St Mary in April, Jean-Luc Le Moual, is released on bail after a Police Court appearance.

An Agriculture and Fisheries Working Party is set up to look into the introduction of safety regulations for fishing boats. The move is made five years after the matter was first brought to the attention of the States.

Deputy John Le Gallais, president of the Resources Recovery Board, reveals that local oil companies have so far recovered £3 million from consumers because of the special premium imposed to cover capital investment in La Collette fuel farm.

W. E. Guiton and Co. Ltd., the parent company of the Jersey Evening Post, announces pre-tax profits for 1985 of nearly £1 million.

Success is also recorded by de Gruchy's, the largest single store in the Channel Islands. Pre-tax profits for the year ending on 31 January amount to over £900,000, three times the level of the previous year.

There are angry scenes at a Liberation Day wreath laying ceremony attended by a Russian military attaché. Demonstrators almost come to blows when an anti-Soviet group tries to lay its own wreath at the Westmount memorial to Occupation slave workers.


Wednesday, 29 April 2026

Ancient and Post-Modern: Why Cornerstone is a Stumbling Stone













Ancient and Post-Modern.


Traditional hymns follow a strict "A-A-B-A" or "Verse-Chorus" structure that allows the brain to predict what is coming next. When a modern song stays on a single chord for two minutes or drifts into a spontaneous bridge, a person who can't hear clearly loses their place and has no "map" to get back on track. These songs crop up with frequency on "Songs of Praise" nowadays.

Structural Exclusion

Hillsong’s musical language is built around free‑flowing melodic lines, irregular phrase lengths, and elastic timing. The emotional arc is carried by swelling instrumentation rather than by a predictable rhythmic or metrical pattern. For many hearing people, this feels expressive. But for someone who is hard of hearing, it removes the very cues that make participation possible.

When you can’t rely on pitch, you rely on timing, pattern, and repetition. Traditional hymnody gives you all three: regular metre, predictable cadences, and a text that sits firmly inside a rhythmic grid. You can feel where the next line will land. You can anticipate the shape of the verse. You can join in even if you can’t hear every note.

Hillsong’s style, by contrast, often stretches or compresses lines for emotional effect. Phrases don’t always begin where you expect. The melody floats rather than marches. The musicians may hold a chord for an indeterminate length of time before moving on. For someone who is hard of hearing, this is like trying to step onto a staircase where the steps keep changing height. You can’t find your footing.

There’s also the issue of mixing and volume. Hillsong‑influenced worship tends to favour a dense, amplified soundscape with strong bass and reverb. That can overwhelm hearing aids, distort speech frequencies, and make lyrics unintelligible. Without clear consonants and predictable rhythm, the words dissolve into a wash of sound.

So the problem isn’t that Hillsong songs are “bad.” It’s that they are built on musical assumptions that unintentionally exclude people whose hearing relies on structure, clarity, and rhythmic stability. And because this style has become dominant in many churches, the exclusion becomes structural rather than incidental.

The Musical Lifeline

For people who are hard of hearing, the structure of a song isn’t just a musical preference. It’s a lifeline. When the melody is vague or repetitive, it becomes incredibly difficult to track where the song is going, when sections change, or even what’s being sung.

Many people with hearing loss say things like:

“I can’t tell when the verse ends and the chorus begins.”
“It all sounds the same.”
“I can’t latch onto the tune.”
“I feel lost during the song.”

And honestly, they’re right. The musical style itself creates barriers.

Cornerstone

Some parts of Cornerstone are genuinely easier for hard‑of‑hearing listeners to follow, while others become much more difficult. The verses are based on the old hymn "My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less", and that hymn structure gives them a clear melodic shape. The melody rises and falls in predictable ways, the phrasing is regular, and the rhythm is steady. Even if someone can’t hear every detail, the shape of the tune provides a kind of roadmap that helps them stay oriented.

The chorus is also fairly easy to follow because it has a strong melodic lift. It jumps upward, has a memorable hook, and stands out clearly from the verses. That contrast makes it easier for someone with hearing loss to recognize when the song moves into a new section. The chorus feels distinct, structured, and musically grounded.

The difficulty comes in the more modern sections of the song, especially the bridge. This part relies on repetition, a narrow melodic range, and a chant‑like delivery. For someone who is hard of hearing, that can feel like one long, continuous line without clear beginnings or endings. Instead of feeling like a structured musical moment, the bridge can turn into a wall of sound that’s hard to separate into meaningful parts.

So Cornerstone ends up being a blend of two very different musical worlds. The hymn‑based verses and the melodic chorus are accessible and easy to follow, while the atmospheric, repetitive sections are much more challenging for hard‑of‑hearing listeners. This contrast is exactly why the song feels uneven in terms of clarity and structure.

Worship and Inclusion

Worship has always been at its best when it reflects the full diversity of the people gathered. Hard‑of‑hearing singers are not an exception to accommodate; they are part of the body, and their participation enriches the whole. When a church chooses music with clear structure, strong melodies, and predictable phrasing, it isn’t “watering things down.” It’s making worship accessible to people whose hearing makes it difficult to follow songs that rely on atmosphere or repetition instead of melody.

Modern worship styles sometimes unintentionally create barriers. Songs with chant‑like sections, heavy production, or blurred vocal lines can make it nearly impossible for hard‑of‑hearing singers to stay oriented. When someone can’t tell where the verse ends, where the chorus begins, or what pitch the melody is supposed to be on, they’re effectively excluded from participating. That’s the opposite of what worship is meant to do.

At its heart, worship is communal. If the music only works for people with excellent hearing, then something essential is missing. Making worship accessible to hard‑of‑hearing singers isn’t a burden — it’s a way of honouring the people who are already there, wanting to participate, and simply needing the music to meet them halfway.

Participation is the essence of worship. 

Tuesday, 28 April 2026

Sir Philip Bailhache: A Profile

















Sir Philip Bailhache: A  Profile

Sir Philip Martin Bailhache has been a central pillar of Jersey’s legal and political architecture for over four decades. Born in 1946, he followed a prestigious educational path from Charterhouse to Christ Church, Oxford, before being called to the English Bar (Middle Temple) in 1972 and the Jersey Bar in 1975 [1]. His early career at the firm Bailhache & Bailhache quickly established him as a premier legal mind, leading to his appointment as HM Solicitor General in 1986 and HM Attorney General in 1989 [2].
The Judicial Peak and Constitutional Advocacy
In 1994, Bailhache was appointed Deputy Bailiff, ascending to the office of Bailiff of Jersey in 1995 [3]. As Bailiff, he served as the island's chief justice and the president of the States Assembly. He was knighted in the 1996 Birthday Honours for his services to the Crown [4].
His tenure was defined by a fierce defence of Jersey’s "ancient constitutional rights." He was a primary architect of the movement to enhance Jersey’s international identity, often arguing that while Jersey is a dependency of the Crown, it is not a part of the United Kingdom and should exercise greater autonomy in foreign affairs [5]. This culminated in his work on the Clothier Report and subsequent debates regarding the island’s self-governance [6].
The "Reputational" Controversy
The most polarizing moment of his career occurred during his 2008 speech during Liberation Day. While the "Operation Rectangle" investigation into historical child abuse at Haut de la Garenne was ongoing, Bailhache claimed that "all who love Jersey" should be concerned by the "unjustified" damage to the island's reputation caused by international media coverage [7]. The Remarks were heavily criticized by victims' advocates and in the later Independent Jersey Care Inquiry (2017), which suggested such comments from high-ranking officials contributed to a "culture of cover-up" or a perceived lack of transparency [8]. 
The Dual Role Debate
Bailhache was also a vocal defender of the Bailiff’s dual role—acting as both a judge and a political speaker. Despite recommendations from the Carswell Report (2010) that the roles should be separated to ensure a "separation of powers" compatible with the European Convention on Human Rights, Bailhache argued that the unique Jersey tradition provided stability and should be preserved [9].
Transition to Elected Politics
After retiring as Bailiff in 2009, he broke tradition by entering the political arena. In the 2011 Senatorial election, he topped the poll with 17,596 votes [10]. As Jersey’s first Minister for External Relations (2013–2018), he was instrumental in navigating the island through the initial shocks of the Brexit referendum, ensuring Jersey’s interests were represented in Westminster and Brussels [11].
He briefly retired in 2018 but returned to lead the newly formed Jersey Liberal Conservatives in the 2022 general election. Although he was elected as a Deputy for St. Clement, his party’s overall influence remained limited, and he declared he would now step down from the States in 2026, citing a desire to pass the torch to a younger generation [12].
Legacy
Sir Philip’s legacy is complex. To his supporters, he is the "Father of the House" of Jersey’s autonomy—a man of immense intellect who protected the island from external overreach. To his critics, he represents a "traditional establishment" that was slow to adapt to modern standards of transparency and judicial separation. Regardless of perspective, his influence on Jersey’s status as a modern micro-state is unmatched.

Sources:
  1. Who's Who 2024, "Bailhache, Sir Philip Martin."
  2. States Assembly Records, "Historical List of Law Officers."
  3. Jersey Evening Post, "The Bailiff: A History of the Office," (1995 archives).
  4. The London Gazette, Supplement 54427, June 1996.
  5. P. Bailhache, Jersey's Constitution: The Way Forward, (Jersey Law Review, 1998).
  6. Report of the Review Panel on the Machinery of Government (Clothier Report, 2000).
  7. BBC News, "Bailiff defends 'reputation' speech," (Oct 2008).
  8. Report of the Independent Jersey Care Inquiry, (July 2017).
  9. The Carswell Report, "Inquiry into the Roles of the Law Officers and the Bailiff," (2010).
  10. Vote.je, "2011 Senatorial Election Results."
  11. States of Jersey, "External Relations: Annual Reports 2013-2017."
  12. Bailiwick Express, "Sir Philip Bailhache resigns from States Assembly," (2023).


Monday, 27 April 2026

How Jersey’s current Trans Inclusion Schools Guidance differs from the Cass‑aligned guidance now used in England.










Jersey’s current guidance requires teachers not to inform parents if a child begins using a different name or pronouns at school, unless the child consents. This is explicit in the guidance and has been publicly criticised for instructing teachers to use one set of pronouns with the child and a different set with parents.

In contrast, the Cass Review–aligned guidance in England takes the opposite approach: parents must be involved early, except in rare cases where there is a clear safeguarding risk from the parents themselves. The Cass framework emphasises that schools cannot socially transition a child without parental knowledge because doing so undermines safeguarding, transparency, and trust.

Jersey’s guidance treats a child’s change of name or pronouns as not a safeguarding concern in itself, and therefore not something parents need to be told about. This is stated directly in the guidance and has been widely reported.

Cass guidance, however, states that a request for social transition is a significant psychosocial event requiring a structured safeguarding response, multi‑disciplinary oversight, and parental involvement. It is not treated as a neutral or trivial matter.

Jersey’s guidance instructs teachers to use the child’s chosen pronouns in school, even if this means concealing that practice from parents by reverting to biological pronouns in parent communications. This creates a dual‑system of language that teachers must switch between.

Cass‑aligned guidance rejects this entirely. It states that schools should not create “dual realities” where a child is treated as one gender at school and another at home. It argues that such secrecy is harmful, destabilising, and places staff in impossible positions.

In conclusion...

Jersey's current school guidance diverges from the Cass Review by adopting a gender-affirmative model that treats social transition as a neutral event rather than a significant psychosocial development, neglecting the recommendation for early parental involvement. The policy promotes secrecy by allowing "dual realities," where preferred pronouns are used at school despite parental opposition, directly contradicting the Cass Review's finding that such practices are harmful to the child. Furthermore, while the Cass Review advises a cautious, holistic "watchful waiting" approach, the Jersey framework continues to prioritize immediate affirmation over comprehensive mental health assessment.

While the Education Minister, Rob Ward, claims he endorses the principles of watchful waiting in theory, opponents state the actual written guidance does not contain clear recommendations for teachers to practice it.

The Cass Review argues that social transition is not a neutral act but an "active intervention" with significant psychological consequences. While the Minister views "watchful waiting" as a rigid political doctrine, the Cass framework presents it as a developmentally appropriate clinical approach that avoids prematurely locking a child into a medical pathway.

During the 25 March 2026 States Assembly debate, Education Minister Deputy Rob Ward described the proposed guidance as an "externally-authored campaigning document" and a "political doctrine". Ward argued that this, and other similar, proposals to replace existing guidelines, prioritized a specific ideological approach over professional, child-centred safeguarding methods.

Dr. Cass has consistently maintained that her review is an evidence-based clinical evaluation and has criticized the "toxic" nature of the debate that rebrands standard psychological support as a form of harm or "conversion therapy". It seems it is the Minister who is advocating a political doctrine.

While the Minister prioritizes the child's expressed identity under the UNCRC, Cass cautions that children often experience gender distress alongside other complex issues like autism, neurodiversity, or trauma. Simply affirming a child’s self-identification without a broader holistic assessment is a failure of clinical and safeguarding duties.

Sunday, 26 April 2026

More Short Stories: The Goodness of God

 











This is based on a true story, and took place in a district church over five years ago, which I was told by a very reliable witness, and I have no reason to doubt him. It has been lightly dramatized, but the key statement by the Vicar in question was given almost exactly as here. The names of the church, the vicar, and the mourners have been changed, and in fact the mourners did not walk out of the church, but just sat there in stunned silence until the end of the service. 

The name I have given to the church is designed to call to mind the accounts in St Matthew's gospel of a place of darkness, where people are cast out, and where there is (as the King James version has it), a wailing and gnashing of teeth. The church in question is very low Anglican, very charismatic evangelical, and sits very lightly to liturgy. I was so shocked at hearing the tale, and I wanted to craft a story which both told of it, and also expressed my own deep seated antipathy to this harsh and judgmental Christianity. The title, needless to say, is ironic.

The Goodness of God

St MatthewoftheWailing Teeth stood sombre against the grey Bristol sky, its Victorian stonework streaked with decades of rain. The locals had long joked about the nickname, reputedly taken from those narrow lancet windows along the nave like a row of clenched teeth. Inside, the church felt gentler: polished pews, brass memorials, and the great east window of Christ weeping, His glassblue tears catching the morning light.

 Arthur Penrose’s funeral filled the place. He had been a grandfather of the old Bristol kind—steady, generous, fond of allotments and long walks with his dog. He had not been a regular churchgoer, but his daughter wanted a proper Anglican service, and St Matthew’s was the family parish.

The band and singers began “The Goodness of God”. Many mourners didn’t know the hymn, but they stood politely, some mouthing the refrain, others simply listening. The words, “all my life you have been faithful”, seemed to settle softly over the congregation, a comfort rather than a declaration.

The Reverend Joel Scarriot stepped into the pulpit, with no vestments but just a grey suit - only his dog collar indicating his status as a clergyman. He was new to the parish, an enthusiastic charismatic with a reputation for sermons that ran hotter than most Anglicans preferred.

He began well. He spoke warmly of Arthur’s kindness, his humour, his devotion to his family. People nodded. A few smiled through tears. For a moment, grief felt held.

Then his tone shifted.

Friends,” he said, “we must speak honestly before God. Arthur was a good man, yes, but goodness alone does not save. Without accepting Christ, there is no entry into eternal life.”

A ripple of unease passed through the pews.

Reverend Scarriot continued, voice tightening. “It grieves me to say it, but Arthur did not know the Lord. He has gone to Hell.”

There was gasps from the mourners. A stifled cry. Arthur’s eldest son stiffened, colour rising in his cheeks. The widow clutched her handkerchief so tightly it tore.

But the Vicar pressed on. “You, those of you still living, have a choice. You can avoid his fate. You can turn to Jesus today. Do not leave this church without securing your salvation.”

The congregation began to move. First a few, then many. Coats rustled. Feet scraped. Someone whispered, “This is cruel.” Another said, “Not today. Not like this.”

Arthur’s daughter rose, guiding her mother toward the aisle. Her voice trembled. “Dad deserved better.”

Within minutes, half the church had emptied. The band fell silent. The guitarists stopped playing. The electronic keyboard player lowered his hands. Reverend Scarriot faltered midsentence, staring at the departing mourners as though they were the ones committing a transgression.

Outside, in the churchyard, people gathered beneath the budding trees. The spring air felt cold. Some cried openly. Others shook their heads in disbelief. A few simply stood in stunned quiet.

Inside, the great east window glimmered. Christ’s glassblue tears fell upon the empty pews where comfort should have been offered, where love had gathered seeking gentleness and found instead a wound.

And in that hollowedout church, it seemed, for a moment, that the weeping Christ was grieving not only Arthur, but the words spoken in His name.

Saturday, 25 April 2026

Circle Dance















One from the archive today, from 11th April 2005.

Circle Dance

Mother of all creation, giver
Of insight, love’s lawgiver
Bring up her wayward child
On Israel, she dearly smiled.

Brother, flesh of our flesh
To see Kingdom so afresh
Close as bone of our bone
No more shall we be alone.

Sister, Spirit breathing now
Pledge of co-inherence vow
Within, sharing in our being
Open eyes to wonder seeing.

Draw the Caim, encircle be
Three in One, One in Three
Enfold us in protecting arms
Keep safe from all that harms.

Turning round, in circle dance
Glory comes, and does enhance
Our vision, let us touch and feel
Your hand upon us, here to heal.

Friday, 24 April 2026

Summer Sports Scene 1967



















Summer Sports Scene
Jersey Topic, 1967


A couple of sleek rubber wet suits for diving or ski-ing. His is black with yellow stripes, £12, and hers is a White Stag suit straight from the United States. 

Their bright, coloured range is being sold in the Channel Islands for the first time this summer. The one in the picture is red with black spots, form-fitting with short sleeves. 

The harpoon gun is £8 5s., the underwater knife £3, the Italian mask, 35s. and the snorkel 8s. 

All from Fletcher‘s Watersports, First Tower, Jersey and St. Peter Port, Guernsey.



Thursday, 23 April 2026

Schools in Jersey 1981











From the Channel Islands Directory, 1981, a list of schools in Jersey. Please note - the telephone numbers do not work! Interest as it also names the head teachers and other people in charge at the time.

EDUCATION DEPARTMENT

P.O. Box 142, Highlands, St. Saviour (Hours: 8.45 a.m. to 5.15 p.m.) Tel. 71065, Director of Education-J. S. Rodhouse, M.A. Assistant Director (Administration) -J. H. Cabot Assistant Director (Education)-W. F. Clarke.

SCHOOLS (Primary)

Bel Royal (Junior & Infants). Mrs. W. Hurford (Head Teacher). Tel. 37193. First Tower (Juniors & Infants). D. P. Le Maistre, B.A. (Head Teacher). Tel. 21066.

Grands Vaux (Juniors & Infants). J. Tarver (Head Teacher). Tel. 35808. Grouville (Juniors & Infants). J. M. Livingstone (Head Teacher). Tel. 51089. Halkett Place (Juniors & Infants). E. W. Herbert, L.R.A.M. (Head Teacher. Tel. 30185.

Janvrin School (Juniors & Infants). Mrs. M. E. M. Meyrick (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

Jersey College for Girls Preparatory Dept. Mrs. S. M. Stoddart (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

La Moye (Juniors & Infants). H. A. Fauvel (Head Teacher). Tel. 41390.

La Pouquelaye (Juniors & Infants). J. R. Le Rendu (Head Teacher). Tel. 35798. Le Squez (Juniors & Infants . Miss P. Blackwood. Tel. 81013.

Les Landes (Juniors & Infants). J. C. Kezourec. Tel. 35415.

Mont Nicolle (Juniors & Infants). F. L. M. Corbet, M.Ed. (Head Teacher). Tel, 44992.

Plat Douet (Juniors & Infants). Mrs. S. M. Charles (Head Teacher). Tel. 25759. St. Brelade (Juniors & Infants). Miss V. C. Caddick (Acting Head Teacher). Tel. 41305.

St. Clement (Juniors & Infants). Miss B. G. Smale (Head Teacher). Tel. 54007. St. James (Juniors & Infants). I. A. Nutter (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

St. John (Juniors & Infants). R. F. Smith (Head Teacher). Tel. 61692. St. Lawrence (Juniors & Infants). B. Hall (Head Teacher). Tel. 63172.

St. Luke (Juniors & Infants). A. M. Shepherd (Head Teacher). Tel. 30657. St. Mark (Juniors & Infants). P. Cullinane (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

St. Martin (Juniors & Infants). Miss E. de Gruchy (Head Teacher). Tel. 51812. St. Mary (Juniors & Infants). D. F. Gibaut (Head Teacher). Tel. 81690.

St. Peter (Juniors & Infants). R. Mansell (Head Teacher). Tel. 81536.

St. Saviour (Junior & Infants). F. H. Carter (Head Teacher). Tel. 25549. Trinity (Juniors & Infants). P. J. McGarry (Head Teacher). Tel. 61085. Vauxhall/Val Plaisant (Juniors & Infants). B. F. C. Durand. Tel. 32807 (Vaux hall); 23375 (Val Plaisant).

Victoria College Preparatory Dept. J. H. Hibbs (Head Teacher). Tel. 23468.

SCHOOLS (Secondary)

Les Quennevais School & Community Centre. E. Tranter (Principal). Tel. 43171. St. Helier Boys. N. H. Allnutt (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

St. Helier Girls. Miss C. Skeavington (Head Teacher). Tel. 35541.

Le Rocquier. D. R. McGregor (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

Hautlieu. J. R. Worrall, B.A. (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

Jersey College for Girls. Mrs. E. M. Pullin, B.A. (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065. Victoria College. M. H. Devenport, M.A. (Head Teacher). Tel. 37591.

SPECIAL SCHOOL (E.S.N.) (S.) Mont-a-l'Abbe. Mrs. P. Davis (Head Teacher). Tel. 75801.

ADULT & FURTHER EDUCATION

Highlands College, St Saviour. C. W. Schofield, B.Sc. (Principal). Tel. 71065.

TEACHERS' CENTRE

Highlands College, St. Saviour. J. H. Clarke (Head of In-Service Education and Resources). Tel. 71065 ext. 307.

REMEDIAL CENTRE

Clearview Street, St. Helier. D. Bridgman (Remedial); E. Payn (Teacher of the Deaf). Tel. 71065.

SECONDARY TUTORIAL UNIT

P.O. Box 142, Highlands, St. Saviour. P. J. Drinkwater (Head Teacher). Tel. 71065.

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICE

P.O. Box 142. Highlands, St. Saviour. J. Birtwistle, B.Sc, M.A. Tel. 71065 Ext. 276.

General Hospital, Gloucester Street, St. Helier. J. P. Hollywood, B.A, M.Sc. Tel. 71000.

Highlands College, St. Saviour. Miss J. M. Le Boutillier, Producer of Resources including Broadcasts. Tel. 71065.

CHANNEL ISLANDS SCHOOL RADIO STUDIO Highlands College, St. Saviour. Tel. 71065.

CHILDREN'S SECTION Office: Hours: 8.45 to 5.15. Tel. 71065.

Children's Officer: Mr. C. A. Smith.

Wednesday, 22 April 2026

Charismatic Anglicans Negotiating Liturgy: A Review of John Leach's Thesis







Charismatic Anglicans Negotiating Liturgy

A Review

John Leach’s thesis investigates the rise of what he terms “non‑liturgical Anglicanism”, a phenomenon in which many charismatic Anglican churches have replaced authorised liturgy with extended worship‑song sets. As he notes in the abstract, this shift has accelerated since the 1960s, particularly within two influential networks: Holy Trinity Brompton (HTB) and New Wine (NW), both deeply shaped by the Vineyard movement and its theology of worship and ministry. Leach’s central research question asks: What is the relationship between these churches and formal Anglican liturgy?

The thesis begins by tracing the historical and cultural streams that converged to make non‑liturgical Anglicanism possible: the Liturgical Movement, the Family Service Movement, charismatic renewal, ecumenism, the rise of contemporary worship music, and the influence of Vineyard praxis. Each of these movements loosened Anglican attachment to fixed forms, encouraged accessibility and mission‑orientation, and elevated experience, spontaneity, and musical encounter as primary vehicles of worship. Leach observes that many leaders came to believe that “the traditional liturgy of the Church has been largely or completely replaced by sung worship” because liturgy was seen as a barrier to evangelism and growth.

Through participant observation, interviews, and a focus group, Leach documents how HTB and NW churches intentionally minimise formal liturgy, favour informality, and rely heavily on worship songs to create emotional intimacy and a sense of divine encounter. Leaders frequently justify this approach in terms of mission, cultural relevance, and the desire for spiritual immediacy. Yet Leach also records their ambivalence about legality, with some describing their approach as “civil disobedience” or “the principle rather than the letter” when bypassing authorised forms.

The thesis then offers a theological critique. Leach argues that worship songs cannot function as “the new liturgy” because they lack the structural, doctrinal, and formational depth that liturgy provides. Liturgy, he contends, offers belonging, balance, theological breadth, long‑term spiritual resilience, and a connection to the wider Church, benefits that song‑based worship alone cannot supply. As he writes, churches that abandon liturgy risk “accommodating to the secular culture” and neglecting the “riches of Church tradition” essential for forming disciples “for the long haul.”

In conclusion, Leach proposes a “more excellent way”: a renewed liturgical‑charismatic synthesis in which authorised liturgy provides the framework and theological ballast, while charismatic worship enriches affective engagement. Rather than choosing between liturgy and liberty, he argues for a via media that honours Anglican identity while embracing the gifts of renewal.

https://etheses.durham.ac.uk/id/eprint/15626/1/LEACH000632971.pdf



Monday, 20 April 2026

More Short Stories: The Margins of Healing














A short story inspired by the hymn ""We Cannot Measure How You Heal" by John L Bell

The Margins of Healing

The chapel was quiet, tucked behind the hospital gardens where spring flowers had begun to bloom. It was not large, but it held a kind of stillness that felt older than the building itself. People came and went, some with purpose, some with nothing but silence. The wooden pews were worn smooth by years of prayer, and the light through the stained glass shifted gently across the floor.

Anna sat near the front, her hands folded in her lap. She had not come to ask for miracles. She had come because she did not know where else to go. Her son was in the ward upstairs, his body fighting an illness that refused to yield. She had prayed, she had wept, she had bargained. Now she simply sat.

A man entered quietly and took a seat a few rows behind her. His face was lined, his eyes tired. He carried no Bible, no rosary, only a folded letter in his coat pocket. He had come to make amends, though he did not know how. The words he had spoken years ago still echoed in his mind, and the silence that followed had grown heavier with time.

A nurse stepped in briefly, lighting the candle near the altar. It was tall and white, marked with symbols Anna did not recognize. The flame flickered, then steadied. The nurse paused, then placed a small loaf of bread and a cup of wine beside the candle. She did not speak, but her presence felt like a blessing.

Anna watched the flame. She thought of the prayers she had whispered in the dark, the ones that had gone unanswered. She thought of the pain that clung to her, the fear that sat beside her like an old companion. And yet, she also remembered the kindness of strangers, the touch of a friend’s hand, the quiet strength of those who had walked with her.

The man behind her bowed his head. He did not pray aloud, but his thoughts were clear. He asked for forgiveness, not from God alone, but from the people he had hurt. He asked for healing, not of the body, but of the soul. He asked for peace, though he did not expect it.

The candle burned steadily. The bread remained untouched, the wine unpoured. Yet something in the room shifted. Not a miracle, not a voice from heaven, but a presence. A sense that grace had entered, not to erase pain, but to hold it. Not to answer every question, but to sit with them.

Anna rose slowly and turned. She met the man’s eyes, and he nodded. They did not speak, but something passed between them. Recognition. Compassion. A shared understanding that suffering does not always end, but it can be carried.

The nurse returned and knelt by the altar. She whispered a prayer, one that asked for healing in body, mind, and soul. She did not promise peace, but she asked for it. She did not deny pain, but she offered love.

Outside, the garden stirred in the breeze. Inside, the candle burned on. And in that quiet chapel, broken people sat together, not whole, but held.

Sunday, 19 April 2026

The Sunday Archive: The Pilot, July 1993 - Part 4







The Sunday Archive: The Pilot, July 1993 - Part 4

Parish Notes








All Saints
From
Desmond Springham, Ministre Desservant, and Simonne du Val and Bill Scott, Churchwardens

ALL SAINTS members may like to glance across with a bit of amused interest at their neighbours along the road, as you read what has been happening at St Andrew's: some members have had to "get up out of their seats" and find somewhere else to sit! Reason — the side aisle is full of organ pipes and other bits and pieces. Not what you might call a big issue. Not until you realise how "set in our ways" some of us are. We don't like moving. In any case, we might be sitting in someone else's seat. They may not say anything, but they may think it! Alternatively, they may welcome you — no problem. It's a risk, though, isn't it. Why? Because we do not like change, whether it be where we sit, whom we sit with, the service — you name it.

But are we not "one body in Christ"? Certainly — but that has to be worked out, worked at. No easy matter, because that means giving consideration to other people who may see things differently, do things differently. As far as we at All Saints are concerned, that means, for instance, children. How do we accommodate them in our worship? It means visitors, of whom we receive a fair sprinkling, some Anglican, though not often "Prayer Book" people these days; others who are not used to our worship in any shape or form.

Now, working out the principle of "one body" does not mean "giving in" to other people, or "giving up" all we hold dear. But it does surely mean looking at things from the other person's viewpoint as well as our own. So — smile at those neighbours down the road, and then make your way back here and apply the same principle to ourselves.

VISIT OF MARGARET WALKER. Recently Margaret Walker, who is on furlough from Uganda, spent a fortnight in Jersey visiting St Paul's and St Andrew's — two of her "link" parishes. We were pleased to welcome her, both to our Bible Study Group and to the Sunday evening Songs of Praise when we were able to hear about her work with nurses and other hospital staff in various hospitals throughout the country. Following her visit we were pleased to send £120 to MAM — Ruanda Mission — who still support Margaret in her work.

We were also pleased to donate £20 to St Andrew's Church Organ Fund — so that some of those displaced may more speedily regain their seats!

CONCERT. Wednesday 14th July, 7.30 pm. The Helvetia Ladies Choir and Helvetia School are performing a concert in All Saints Church, in aid of the St Andrew's Organ Fund. We look forward to an entertaining evening.

God bless us — each member of the body of Christ














ST ANDREW'S
From
DESMOND SPRINGHAM
Vicar

ONE BODY? Over the past few weeks, an interesting exercise will have been taking place in St Andrew's Church: one side aisle is well and truly occupied — with displaced organ pipes and other bits and pieces. So what have the displaced church members done with themselves? Have they happily found them-selves a different seat, alongside others? When they moved over, were there "murmurings," out-loud objections: "that's my seat you're sit-ting on" — or just dark "looks"?

If none of the above happened, were these "side-aisle" visitors just tolerated, with nothing actually said? Or, yes, of course! A warm word of welcome: "Do come and sit here; we haven't actually spoken before, have we . . ?"

Perhaps I am thinking of my own "skin" and reputation, when I sincerely hope that these latter thoughts apply. It is so easy to talk of the Church as "one body." But here is a very local, practical application: people of different ages, personalities, some perhaps more set in their ways than others. At times, quite naturally, we get on each others' nerves, rub each other up the wrong way. After all, we are individuals, made that way.

But this is where the lovely word in the `old' Bible comes in: "long suffering" — bearing with, or forbearing one another. How interesting that Paul should have written these words specifically to Christians — the Church at Colossae. No, we do not automatically get on well with each other just because we are Christians. It has to be worked out, worked at. Over the years, we have seen how difficult this is in the wider Church. Pray God that at the very local level, coming down to what may be a very minor issue as that mentioned above, we may indeed see what it means to be "one body in Christ."

ORGAN. As mentioned above, work on the overhaul of the organ is now well under way. As far as the church is concerned, we are on the final upward climb to the total of just over £20,000. We should, by now, have passed the £16,000, all of which has come in from many different sources since last November. Recently, Les Conteurs Singers have given a concert in church on behalf of the fund, and we are very grateful to them, both for the musical enjoyment they gave us, and for the money raised.

RUANDA MISSION. Just to relieve the minds of all avid PILOT readers, especially those who immediately turn to the St Andrew's column: the Ruanda Mission - MAM - is still an independent missionary organisation, and has not got itself linked with MAF - Missionary Aviation Fellowship -although I am sure that relationships with that fellowship are very good. What a difference one letter can make!

THANKS. Sylvia Smith has acted as our Ruanda Mission Secretary for some years. We do thank her for her service to the church and to the Lord in this way. Jane Collins has kindly offered to take on this task. Ruanda Mission - MAM - is one of those Missionary Societies which we strongly support at St. Andrew's. 1 am sure that the recent visit of Margaret Walker, our missionary link, has helped to rekindle our interest and concern with God's work in that part of the world.

CONCERT AT ALL SAINTS. Wednesday 14th July, 7.30 pm. The Helvetia Ladies Choir and Helvetia School with be presenting a con-cert in aid of St Andrew's Organ Fund.

SUMMER FETE. Saturday 17th July, from 11 am.

HOLY BAPTISM. 9th May, Craig John Raines.

HOLY MATRIMONY. 22nd May, Mark Watkins to Kathryn Rosser; 29th, Service of Thanksgiving for the Marriage of John Molloy and Corinne le Marrec.



Saturday, 18 April 2026

Dolmen Past, Present, Future















I had a walk round La Pulente yesterday, and then up to the to to visit La Sergente Dolmen. It has been some time since I was there, and I first went there as a young lad. It struck me that it might be interesting to look at time through the lens of the dolmen being built, and the ages which came after, and my own death one day and that inspired this poem.

Dolmen Past, Present, Future

I see the stone laid upon the stone
Building the beehive shape of rock
Inside interred the ancestor’s bone
While high above the gulls do flock

I see the stone laid upon the stone
The seasons come, the seasons go
And around in soil the seed is sown
And in due time, the crops will grow

I see the stone laid upon the stone
Shadows come, and darkness falls
And all is dust, of this I have known
So all that remains are broken walls

I see the stone laid upon the stone
And in the wind, my soul has flown

Friday, 17 April 2026

Alan Maclean - an Impossingworth Senatorial Candidate?



 





Alan Maclean’s political career in the States of Jersey began with his election as Deputy for St Helier No. 2 in 2005. He later served as Senator (elected 2008 and 2014) and held key roles as Minister for Economic Development and Treasury Minister before stepping down in 2018. [1, 2, 3]

His tenure was marked by two significant controversies involving public funds:

Failed Film Project

As Economic Development Minister, Maclean authorized a £200,000 grant for a fantasy film titled The Knights of Impossingworth (later known as The Crystal Island). [4, 5]
  • The Outcome: The film was never made. Production was suspended in 2014 after the filmmakers ran out of money.
  • Due Diligence Failure: It later emerged that the department failed to uncover that the man behind the project had a criminal conviction for theft related to defrauding film investors. [4, 6, 7, 8, 9]

Jersey Innovation Fund (JIF)

Maclean was instrumental in setting up the Jersey Innovation Fund in 2013, which was intended to provide seed funding for start-up businesses. [10, 11, 12, 13]
  • Financial Loss: The fund was frozen after a damning report from the Comptroller and Auditor General found it was "not fit for purpose".
  • Recovery: Approximately £1.4 million of taxpayers' money was deemed unlikely to be recovered due to inadequate management and poor risk assessment.
  • Accountability: Chief Minister Ian Gorst later sent letters to Maclean and Lyndon Farnham expressing "disappointment" in their discharge of ministerial duties regarding the fund's oversight. [13, 14, 15, 16, 17]

A Look back at 1985: That's Entertainment
























"Mixed Doubles"

The members of the Arts Centre's Play Reading Circle have enjoyed their meetings so much that they decided to stage a production, proceeds going towards the Arts Centre Theatre Building Fund. "Mixed Doubles", staged in the shell of the uncompleted auditorium, was a series of monologues and duologues dealing with marriage (originally presented at the Hampstead Theatre Club). 

Produced by Julie Arnold with a minimum of props and on a stark playing area, the evening was a nicely balanced mixture — some of the items were, understandably, better than others but each item had obviously been carefully rehearsed. I especially enjoyed Julie Arnold in both "Norma" and "Countdown", and Rhona Boddie gave a very amusing interpretation in "Score" —pity it was the only item in which she appeared!

The Circle Players are to be congratulated on their first brave attempt at a production and I look forward to their full-length production of Pirandello's "Six Characters in Search of an Author" early in the New Year.










Judi Dench and Michael Williams presented their "Country Lovers Year" to a full house.













Jersey's theatrical strata turned out in full force to greet the one-night only performance of Judi Dench and Michael Williams, and Hautlieu School Hall was packed to the doors.

It was a rare treat for us to indulge in an evening of pure magic from these two highly professional stars, and their Country Lovers Year in words, music and song was a brilliantly planned pot-purri of poetry, prose and anecdotes interspersed with the delightful guitar playing and madrigal-type songs from Robert Spencer and Jill Nott-Bower.

Both Judi Dench and Michael Williams are so relaxed that the whole evening had an impromptu feeling, although the perfect timing reflected how impeccably rehearsed the whole performance had been.

Judi Dench has long been a favourite of mine — she has a terrific sense of fun (tinged occasionally with acid!) and obviously she and her husband Michael Williams have a wonderful rapport, as proved by their enormously successful television series.

One of my most treasured theatrical experiences was seeing them together in the brilliant play "Pack of Lies" — a riveting performance, far removed from this evening's delightful concoction when, at one moment they had us convulsed with laughter, and the next you could have heard a pin drop.

What a joy it will be to welcome stars of this calibre to the comfort of our own Arts Theatre once this is finally completed, instead of them having to perform in the non-atmospheric venue of a school hall. However, I thank them both for an evening of pure delight.

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Tuesday, 14 April 2026

Verified Spending Reductions by Jersey's Goverment











Spending on consultants, agency staff and temporary workers in Jersey has been cut by almost £45m in three years, the Government of Jersey has said.

A report found external workforce costs had fallen from £82.8m in 2023 to £38m in 2025.

The biggest reductions include a drop in consultancy spending by £13.3m and a fall in health and social care agency staff spending by £18m.

The reported figures regarding the reduction in spending on external workers in Jersey are accurate according to recent government reports. The Government of Jersey has confirmed a significant drive to curb "excessive growth" in public sector spending by reducing reliance on consultants and agency staff. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Verified Spending Reductions

A report on the cost of consultants and agency staff detailed the following changes between 2023 and 2025:
  • Total Savings: Spending on the external workforce was cut by nearly £45 million over a three-year period.
  • Total Costs: Costs fell from £82.8 million in 2023 to a projected £38 million by the end of 2025.
  • Consultancy Spending: Dropped by £13.3 million, reflecting a 24% reduction as part of a shift toward developing "local talent" rather than hiring off-island project managers.
  • Health and Social Care: Agency staff spending in this sector fell by £18 million. This was achieved primarily by moving agency workers onto permanent contracts to provide better job security and reduce "premium cost" reliance. [2, 6, 7, 8, 9]

Contextual Factors

  • Recruitment Freeze: In August 2024, the government implemented a recruitment freeze for non-essential and back-office roles, which was extended through March 2026 to further control expenditure.
  • Headcount Trends: While the central administrative headcount decreased (falling by 288 between 2024 and 2025), the government continues to prioritise and recruit for frontline services like nursing and teaching.
  • Efficiency Targets: The government exceeded its 2024 efficiency target, delivering £18 million in savings, and has set a further target of £20 million for 2025. [7, 10, 11, 12, 13]

Monday, 13 April 2026

More Short Stories: Entries in a Diary















Entries in a Diary

Diary of Miriam L. – Curate, Somewhere in Sussex

March 3rd

The church was packed tonight. Youth band, smoke machine, a sermon about “taking territory for Jesus.” I smiled through it, but something in me recoiled. I used to love this energy. Now it feels like noise. I keep wondering: Is this really what faith sounds like?

March 10th

I met with Arwen today. She spoke of swimming in the deep end - of mystery, sacrament, silence. I felt something loosen in me. She asked, “How small is your God?” I didn’t answer. I just cried.

March 15th

Staff meeting. We’re launching a new series: “Unshakeable Truths.” Bullet points, memory verses, no room for questions. I suggested we include space for lament. The lead pastor smiled and said, “We’re not here to dwell in doubt.” I swallowed my reply.

March 22nd

I led Eucharist at the early service. No band. No slides. Just bread, wine, and silence. An older man lingered after, eyes wet. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I’d forgotten what peace felt like.”

March 30th

A teenager asked me if being gay meant God couldn’t love her. I said no, of course not. She looked relieved, then scared. “That’s not what they said in youth group.” I wanted to scream. Instead, I told her about Jesus - how he touched the untouchable, welcomed the excluded. She smiled. I wept later.

April 5th

I’m reading Julian of Norwich again. All shall be well. It’s not certainty - it’s hope. A hope that holds space for grief, for ambiguity, for love that doesn’t fit the mold. I think I’m learning to breathe underwater.

April 12th

The senior team reviewed my sermon notes. Too much nuance, they said. Too much “gray.” They want clarity. I want truth. Sometimes truth is messy.

April 18th

Arwen sent me a draft of the Inclusive Evangelicals manifesto. It’s beautiful. A theology of depth, humility, and welcome. I feel less alone.

April 25th

I sat in the back pew during the evening service. The lights were dazzling, the message triumphant. But I watched a woman slip out quietly, unnoticed. I followed. She was crying. “I just wanted to feel God,” she said. “Not be told how to perform.”

May 1st

I’ve started a small group - unofficial, off the books. We meet in the chapel. We light candles. We read Scripture slowly. We ask questions. We don’t always find answers. But we find each other.

May 8th

I told the leadership I’m stepping down at the end of the month. They were gracious, confused. “You’re gifted,” they said. “You’re needed.” But I need to swim deeper. I need silence, sacrament, space.

May 15th

My last Sunday. I preached on the Emmaus road. How Jesus walked with them, unrecognized. How their hearts burned. I said, “Sometimes God is found not in the thunder, but in the breaking of bread.” Some nodded. Some looked away.

May 20th

I’m not sure what comes next. But I know this: I’m done with shallow waters. I’m swimming in the deep end now. And God is here - not in the noise, but in the quiet. Not in the certainty, but in the love that holds everything together.