The Budapest Protocol

The Budapest Protocol

This is a story about love and death and fascists and lost fortunes and a ski chase - but this story has in fact no seductress, no death, and in fact no ski chase, and a loss of only £1,000 which is only one small fortune.

Hot on the trail of international Neo-Nazis who are planning to destroy the world with bomb inside a Rubik Cube, MI6  ½ Secret Agent Steve Pallett set off on his travels.

His cover story was a flight muddle, and he was due to land in Bucharest. Only the shadowy figure of his boss, codename “Black Rod”, knew the truth. Ostensibly the Minister for Education, “R” was the real chief of MI6  ½.

Deep in an secret underground cavern beneath the Leisure complex of Fort Regent lay a secret Ministry, with a cover as an Education and Sport department. It was believed to be a water overflow to prevent flooding, but in fact was a deep cover facility for MI 6 ½.

It was here that Steve received his ticket for his “flight into danger” and a copy of a codebook by Arthur Hailey called simply “Airport”.

People didn’t actually realise how many secret agents were based in Jersey. There was Jim Phelps and his Mission Impossible Team at the Economic Development Can’t Be Done Production Movie Company (which received a special operations grant of £200,00 under its former head “M”).

And there was a retired 007, the Reverend James Bond, who was Rector of St Brelade’s Church. Only his love of cigars betrayed someone who once was licenced to kill, and who was now licenced to perform marriages. His Walther PPK remains safely hidden in the church bell tower.

Skyfall

Quickly arriving at Budapest, clutching his tattered copy of “The Sarah Palin Guide to Europe”, Steve arrived. A courier working for a person code-named "Cobalt" took him to the hotel.

Mission Impossible

The airline ticket had overprinted in secret ink a message. “You are what appears to be at the wrong airport. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the explosive Rubik cube before your flight cock-up explodes on Twitter. This ticket will self-destruct in five seconds”.

This was his Mission: Impossible! He immediately put into operation his Ghost Protocol. He now had 60 minutes to find the Rubik cube before it self-destructed. He ran out of the airport, his GPS showing him how to get to the Grand Budapest Hotel. Thank goodness for all those runs along the Railway Walk in St Brelade, he thought, as his feet pounded the pavement.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

He saw the cube on the foyer of the Grand Budapest Hotel reception counter, grabbed it, and rapidly moved the squares of the cube until it emitted a loud raspberry noise and the Hungarian word “hoppá”. The cube was safely deactivated.

The following day, armed with a return ticket courtesy of Q, he joined the queue back to Jersey. No one would ever know how close the world had come to destruction. The spectre of war had been averted.

Instead the cover story was already in place: he had been booked on the wrong flight. He would be the subject of twitter ridicule for several days, but the world would be a safer place. Now all he had to do was face the music, and dance.

As he settled on his flight, he opened a copy of a book he had grabbed at the Airport shop. "The Bucharest Protocol" by Adam Lebor. The blurb on the back said: "A deadly web of intrigue and power play, a game played for the highest stakes: the very future of Europe."

And it had love and death and fascists and lost fortunes and a ski chase.

The Voltaire Manifesto

Vote Jim Hacker for Senator

The Voltaire Manifesto

Some fun for Friday! In Candide, Voltaire talks of "the best of all possible worlds".

This is the best of all possible Jersey manifestos, which ticks all the right boxes. It has been compiled from ALL the Senatorial manifestos. Each paragraph comes from just one manifesto See if you can guess which bits come from which manifesto, without peeking! And there is one quote sneaked in from Douglas Adam's Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency..!

Introduction

This is the most important election for decades. We must have an Assembly prepared to work together for the good of us all. More action less talk.

I believe that new people with fresh ideas will be able to understand the current issues we are facing, through an active engagement with ordinary people.

There is much more to do, these elections and the next few years will be critical. Determination and a willingness to make difficult and sometimes unpopular decisions in the public interest will be essential.

More than ever Jersey needs States Members with ability, experience, commitment and a clear vision for the future.

Economy

Times are hard in Jersey these days.

We are hopefully seeing the end of one of the deepest, darkest recessions that the Island has ever experienced.

Our island has experienced an economic downturn and unusual unemployment levels. These challenging times require clear thinking and appropriate decision making.

The financial services industry is the major plank of our economy, providing the bulk of tax revenues and much employment, and must be supported.

I support the ending of inappropriate zero-hours contracts.

Tourism and agriculture are still a vital part of Island economics and life.

I support protecting Jersey’s green and agricultural spaces.

We must ensure that we have a successful, as well as vibrant and diverse economy

We must address the division between the haves and the have not’s.

We must maintain Jersey’s independent character. Our community services and voluntary sector should be supported to the maximum extent our resources allow.

Keep GST at its lowest possible level, increased revenue for the Treasury must come from the business sector primarily.

Immigration

Jersey must get a grip on population control. However, a level of immigration must continue for skills that cannot be provided locally.

Public Sector

The government of Jersey must live within its means.

The growth in public spending is no longer sustainable. A fresh approach is urgently required.

The cost of government must be controlled.

Health

A healthy population is the basis of a healthy economy.

Failing to invest in our essential infrastructure at the right time only makes it more expensive in the long run.

There are difficult times ahead for us all but the Island has a good basis for the future.

Education

I believe a more creative and inventive approach is needed in our schools.

Tourism

It’s time to LOVE Tourism again!

Reforms

I believe States members should listen to the electorate and not dismiss their views out of hand.

I believe that the number of States members sitting in the main States Chamber should be reduced.

The debate goes on but there is still not a consensus.

Do you ever feel it’s not worth voting?

The referendum question on this matter will be voted on by the public on polling day and I will respect the public’s views on this matter.

Conclusion

I feel that it is my duty to stand for the post of Senator for many reasons, not least because I believe that Jersey should become more democratic but also because Jersey has very important global messages to broadcast.

Whilst a great deal has been achieved there is still much to do.

Further challenges remain.

I have the experience, dedication and energy to achieve this vision.

Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Please vote: Dr Pangloss. Or Jim Hacker. Or Alan B'Stard.

Maybe World

Perhaps there really was a Father Ted on Craggy Island....
 
Maybe World
 
Perhaps in some strange world of mine
There really were three priests divine
And living there on Craggy Isle
Their antics sure did raise a smile
And a housekeeper called Mrs Doyle
Reflected on her life of toil
 
And when I was working for Father Ted
Sure, I looked to order plenty bread
Another sandwich, Father, d'you see
And that, of course, with cups of tea
The kettle is coming to the boil
And I'm ready, or me name ain't Doyle
 
Perhaps I'm dreaming, but let me see
That really were those priestly three
Some day I'd visit on me way
Although I fear I'd rue the day
Disasters seemed to follow them
With Bishop Brennan to condemn
 
Perhaps my name was Father Ted
And I munched the buttered bread
My sad fate, oh, there's the crack
With Father Dougal, Father Jack
This is my maybe world, d'you see
Forever sipping cups of tea

One Rant in the Grave

For a poetry group I belong to, the challenge was "A rant with the 5 words.....Cilantro, Exclusive, Unfiltered, Impartial, Agincourt:" Here is one of my submissions!
 
One Rant in the Grave
 
Agincourt! I wearied of learning this battle
When I was at school, how they prattle
About Henry V, victory over France;
But England lost in the end! Any chance
Of unfiltered truth, something impartial
And less of military kings so martial
At exclusive public schools? They say
Variety is the spice of life, so hey,
Take the Roast Beef of Old England
Add cilantro, make it not so bland!
Sermon ended, time to leave the pew.
Yours, exasperatedly, Victor Meldrew.

Harry and Paul's Story of the 2s: A Review

Narrator: It's 1964. The BBC, or Auntie Beeb as she was known, is 45 years old. So far, she's given birth to one televisual child. And on April the 20th of that year, she was to find herself once again in labour.
 
Do come on, Auntie Beeb, stop making a fuss and push.
 
Ooh!
 
The child was on its way. But what was it to be called? We have one television channel. Tonight we launch a second. What on earth are we going to call it?
 
Pipes in. Pencils out.
 
I've calculated that if we do indeed have two channels, then the current channel - BBC Television - should be known as BBC One.
 
I've checked your calculations and they're correct. If the current channel equals BBC One, what does the new channel add up to?
 
X to the power of -13. This new channel shall be called BBC X To The Power Of -13.
 
You've blundered in your reduction of this fraction, you horrid little homosexual. X to the power of -13 cancelled out is two. BBC Two.
 
Can't we call it BBC Stalin?
 
Are you a communist?
 
This is the BBC - we're all communists, aren't we?
 
ALL:  Shhhh..
 
I've just caught up with Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse's "Story of the 2s". It is a very amusing, if somewhat barbed, takeoff of a number of BBC2 shows which are famous, such as the Forsyte Saga, Ascent of Man, I Claudius, Top Gear, Fawlty Towers, QI etc.
 
The two, and their fellow helpers, are brilliant at cheeky impersonations. These are not impersonations in the strict sense, like Mike Yarwood used to do, or Dead Ringers did more recently. Rather they are impressionistic portrayals, where enough of the style and mannerisms of people are given so that you know quite easily who they are lampooning.
 
Of course, one problem is knowing the shows. I know about "The Ascent of Man" and "I Claudius", so the lampooning of those is very much on the mark, and very funny. But if you are not familiar with the shows involved - and some of them go back some time - you will largely miss the joke, and for example, the send up of Jacob Bronowski, or the way in which Frankie Howerd from "Up Pompeii" creeps into the send up of "I Claudius", called "One Clavdius".
 
Narrator: Colour television brought with it endless possibilities for grand documentaries. And there was none more grand than Jacob Bronowski's epic series...The Pottering About of Man.
 
Bronowski (in distance on sand dune): I'm rather a long way away from you.
 
Bronowski (closer to camera): Now I am much closer.
 
Bronowski: Now you can observe with clarity the riot of beige which is my jacket, shirt and tie.
 
The names are fun parodies too - John Cleese-Shop-Sketch, Germaine Dreary, Joan Bakewell Tart, and Gerald Manley Paxman
 
So I think its full appeal will be limited to an audience of a particular age, who are familiar with and watched the shows. Obviously seemingly timeless shows like the much repeated Fawlty Towers will still resonate, and the more modern send-ups, such as Stephen Fry on QI, will appeal to a wider audience.
 
Harry's rendering of Ian Hislop is also extremely good, but they seem to have completely overlooked the fact that "Have I Got News for You" goes out on BBC1 and not BBC2. (Yes, I know repeats are there, but that doesn't really count, does it?)
 
But there is a sharp edge there as well in the commentary. A parody of "Call my Bluff" has the word "paedophile" given various explanations  - as the original show used to do with strange words - with Harry Enfield's  brilliantly capturing Robert Robinson (with just the right kind of patronising manner)
 
Narrator: "As the '70s wore on, rumours of a culture of sexual depravity at Television Centre began to circulate. It was decided to tackle this potential time bomb head on, on prime-time BBC Two."
 
Robert Robinson (Harry Enfield:) "Hello and welcome to a show which could quite easily be called Would I Lie To You? will soon to be known as Call My Bluff and is currently entitled Speech Impediment. And we like it that way.
 
Robert Robinson (Harry Enfield:) "And our first word is.....paedophile. Frank, what is a paedophile?
 
Frank Muir (Paul Whitehouse): Well, a pae-do-pa-hilly, a fruh, a fruh-fruh fruh-fruh.
 
Robert Robinson (Harry Enfield:) Frank thinks it's a type of chocolate bar made of nuts and fruit. Is he right, Patrick?
 
INCOHERENT POPPING. "..toes."
 
Robert Robinson (Harry Enfield:) Patrick says it's a type of instrument for scraping the dead skin off your feet. Derek?
 
"Pee-pa-pa-pe-pe, pee-pa-pa-pa, poh."
 
Robert Robinson (Harry Enfield:) "Or is it, as Derek suggests, a ceremonial dress worn by German women on Maundy Thursday? And the answer is... Well, you're all wrong. because there's no such thing as a paedophile."
 
APPLAUSE
 
 "There is no such thing as a paedophile". This hits at the lax attitude of the BBC in the past, where blind eyes were turned to children being abused. There's bite in that satire!
 
But there is good natured fun on the way, and their rendering of Stephen Fry is a delight.
 
Narrator: Stephen, of course, invented adult humour.
 
Stephen Fry (Paul Whitehouse): - Bum chums and willy biscuits. 
 
And the "Stephen Fry" explanations in the pastiche of QI almost sound as if they might have come from the show itself:
 
Fry: The interesting thing about Nazis - there's no T in it. It should actually be pronounced "nah-zee".
 
Fry: And the interesting thing about Ann Widdecombe is it's pronounced "Ann Wuddicome" in parts of Scotland and "Anne Wycombe" in parts of Wycombe.
 
For those born later, and unfamiliar with shows, a number of arrows will miss their mark. But for myself, a self-confessed TV addict, who remembers all the old shows ("Ask the Ugly Family", with Robert Robinson!), it was something of a wicked delight.

Some comic poems

For today, some light hearted poems. UKIP are doing well, so they feature in this poem which has a surrealist twist at the end.

Euro voting

Election fever hits the streets
For all those funny old EU seats
And UKIP is trying, will they win
With Nigel Farage's beaming grin?
But the Green Party seems so small
Where did they go, how did they fall?
Cannibalism, I say, yes it is all true!
The Green party has so much to rue:
Every dinner, mothers have routines
Say to their children, eat the Greens!

And a pastiche of a nursery rhyme, on bankers - maybe they will be using this in nursery schools?

Hey diddle, diddle
The bonus and the fiddle
The banker was over the moon
The hedge manager laughed
To see such sport
But sub prime loans sank the tycoon

And finally, two clerihews, one after the Eurovision song contest:

The singer Conchita
Enjoyed eating a margarita
After winning the Eurovision contest
While so very elegantly dressed

And one about Winston Churchill

In the blitz, Winston Churchill
Was never dressed to kill
Instead, he wore an old boiler suit
Which was really quite astute

Dotty Defnitions

Some amusing religious definitions from the Church of England Magazine in Jersey - "The Pilot" of 1985.

The one about "peculiar" is rather prophetic!

DOTTY DEFINITIONS

From. the "Church-English" Dictionary

BEARD: a useful sign (among the ordained) to the congregation which says "I see myself as an Old Testament. prophet."

PECULIAR:  A place exempt from the jurisdiction of the bishop of the diocese in which it is situated, e.g. Jersey

If however it is only partially exempt, it is only "a bit peculiar"

ORIGINAL SIN: It is extremely hard these days to commit sins with any degree of originality. But that doesn't stop us trying.

JOYFUL NOISE: The sound of musicians who can't play; or the sound of the church organ beginning the last verse of the last hymn at Sunday service

COUNSELLOR: Mmmmmmm. Pronounced "Mmmmmmm" (from the Hebrew "Hmmmmmm")_

MITRE: An enormous gold crown-like creation worn by a bishop to indicate deep humility.

VERGER: One who looks after church cleaning, day-to-day running (its a bit of a duff job and not very well paid so often given to someone on the verge of the grave).

TITHE: Conclusive proof that.the average churchgoer earns around £10 a week.

STIPEND: Denotes something small, inadequate. First used to describe clergy pay in 1753 and the name has stuck.

(From the Latin "Stipius Pendere" - you cannot be serious!).

HOLY: In communion with God.

HUMBLE: In right relationship with your neighbour.

HUMAN: Someone who finds "humble" and "Holy" difficult.

GARGOYLE: Sound emanating from choir vestry before any sung service-

NICENE CREED: The only 4th century invention we are still using.

The Jersey Goons How

The following clever pastiche came my way, and by way of amusement, I thought I'd share it with my readers. It's a light hearted piece of amusement at the expense of local politicians, full of some rather groan worthy word play (which I adore). If you have never heard of the Goon Show, it probably will not be as funny, and you should acquaint yourself first with the madcap antics of Peter Sellers, Spike Milligan and Harry Secombe to enjoy it properly.
 
PRESS RELEASE:
 
The Jersey Goons How
 
The Jersey Goon How is an Island comedy programme, based on the celebrated Goon Show series produced and broadcast by the BBC Home Service from 1951 to 1960. The original Goon Show's chief creator and main writer was Spike Milligan aided and abetted by Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and Michael Bentine.
 
The scripts were a mixture of ludicrous plots with surreal humour, puns, catchphrases and an array of bizarre sound effects. Many elements of the show satirised contemporary life, parodying aspects of show business, commerce, industry, art, politics, diplomacy, the police, the military, education, class structure, literature and film.
 
The Jersey Goons How recreates the comedy of yesteryear for a contemporary audience.
 
Principal Characters/ : played by:
Neddy Seagoon: E. N Gorse (Chief Monitor)
Eccles: Rob Hugh-Dammel (Monitor for Planking and Embarrassment)
Bluebottle: Ozzy Philips (Monitor for Treachery and Racecourses)
Henry Crun: Alan 'Mick' Lane (Monitor for Esoteric Embellishment)
Minnie Bannister: Donald Farmhand (Asst. Monitor, Esoteric Embellishment)
Hercules Gryptype-Thynne: Phillipa Backache (Monitor for Eternal Frustrations)
Count Jim Moriarty: Ian Le Beancan (Monitor for Homes and Fairs)
Major Denis Bloodnok: Dame Pam Ryke-Spooner (Monitor for Help and Bombshell Impunity)
 
Minor Characters / : Played by:
Spriggs: Shawn Leigh Powers (Chairman, Planking Appreciation Panel)
Little Jim: Jerry Masson, (member - Planking Privileges and Panel Procedures)
Throat: Fergus Sanderson (Suspect Accounts Committee)
 
Music by:
Le Gobbledegooks
featuring Tadfort Montier and 'Mad' Sam Zemac
 
Produced by:
Wewuzdone Productions
 
In association with
Ringbinder Enterprises
(The State of Jersey Company)

The Incinerator

This blog is taking a few days off for the Easter Holidays.

Before I go, however, I leave you with a soliloquy that is a pastiche of William Shakespeare's "All the World's A Stage".

This is about our wasteful society.

The Incinerator
 
All the world's a tip
And all the men and women merely dumpers;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time fills many bins,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Using many thousand disposable nappies
And then the whining school-boy, with his crisps
And coke cans dumped, dropping his chewing gum
On the roads to school. And then the lover,
Leaving pizza boxes and discarded beer cans
Drunk with his girl. Then a driver,
With gas guzzling cars, cigarette smoked at speed
Thoughtlessly thrown onto pavements as he goes
Even in the road sweeper's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
And dustbins full of empty vintage wine bottles
Full from Vin d'Honneurs and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the obese and slipper'd pantaloon,
Leaving dog mess on green paths as it has always done
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too short
For his vast shank; and his big manly voice,
Lost in grunts as he sits on the sofa, eats
And channel hops the day away. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is house clearance to incinerator of lifetime junk
False teeth, contact lenses, moth balls, and everything
Excepting the deceased, burnt himself elsewhere.

Limericks from Correspondents

By way of something light-hearted, here are some more limericks on local politics; these are ones that have been sent to me. I've tried to filter out what I consider unacceptable for the lightness of touch I wanted. One I did not understand in the slightest, and a few others I thought were too close to personal attacks on politicians or ex-politicians.
 
Ian Orchard gave me this one
 
Sir Pip took electoral reform
To referenda, which he hoped would transform,
The way we elect, but the only effect,
Was a turnout that was barely lukewarm.
 
Daniel Baugh followed this up:
 
There was a referendum you see
The public did vote option B
But the people in power
Were bitter and sour
And on reform, they could not agree.
 
Darius Pearce gave this one, also on the Referendum:
 
The people of Jersey they informed,
Their states, they were to be reformed
The members deranged,
decided no change
To our wishes they never have conformed
 
Ian Orchard emailed me these further ones:
 
Young Sam had designs of the States
Which despite of his lefty wing traits
Came top of the poll,
And came off of the dole
To join with the mob he berates
 
An environment minister called Rob
Has said it is part of his job
To approve bricks and mortar
For a new finance quarter
This proving himself such a nob!
 
A Minister known as Ringbinder
Backed a film he considered a blinder
But two-hundred k
Was just frittered away
Come October he'll need a reminder
 
A Treasury Minister called Phil
Gets some sort of curious thrill
Outa raising our taxes
Yet our benefits axes
Thus reducing our income to nil.
 
And this one which he sent is just a plain silly sort, but we need those too!
 
Montfort's an interesting name
And Tadier's also the same
But when put together,
One's not sure of whether
If the parents are really to blame!
(boom, boom!)
 
Daniel Baugh also sent me this one, which has a nice touch of surrealism in the fourth line
 
The lefties want things to move forward
But their policies are a little bit awkward
Political parties,
Legalise smarties
And fight until Bailhache is cornered
 
Charlie Townsend sent these four in:
 
When the Tourism Shadow Board met
They decided Jersey Tourism was wet
Tourists with buckets and spades
Creak on now with hearing aids
That market is gone for good, I'll bet
 
An Education Minister was all of a dither
And his policies seemed just to slither
On a new Quennevais School
He never laid down a rule
His plans just seemed to vanish and wither
 
There was once a Bishop called Tim
Who issued a report on a whim
Caused trouble for Bob Key
And the lady called HG
You'll never find that in a hymn!
 
A Prison Visitor told a story to the Mail
Of how she had sex in a jail
She got lots of dosh
But was it all tosh?
And just a fund raising tall tale?
 
So there we have it. Apologies for those I missed out.  I hope this raised a smile or two, even among those who were the subjects of the limericks. And what I want to know is - when will they legalise smarties? I hear they are currently banned as a "Class B Sweet".

There was once a States member called...

By way of something light-hearted, I have compiled a few limericks on local politics and politicians. I hope the readers find that these poke gentle fun at local politicians, and also some of the people involved in local politics.

There was a Chief Minister called Gorst
Who thought things could not get any worst
When planning did stray
But the Minister did stay
Then he thought, with that man I am cursed!

The Constable of St John was in a flurry
And exclaimed about fields full of slurry
They've polluted the water
And they really ought not to
So let's have main drains now in a hurry

Philip Ozouf made a fuss over street naming
"Non, non, non", he muttered, exclaiming
Saying that "La Rue a Don"
Should have the "La" gone
And for once, he is doing the blaming!

A BBC presenter called Price
Could be very pleasant and nice
Then like Jeremy Paxman
He became like an axe man
A lesson to politicians to think twice!

There was a bearded Minister of Planning
Thought to moving where airplanes landing
But to knock down a church spire
Was deemed terribly dire
And the idea came in for a panning.

A new law came out upon treason
Suddenly, without rhyme or reason
They said it would clear
An anomaly there
Coming early is the silly season!

A would be politician called Risoli
Said all we needed was transparency
He always said this
But votes he did miss
And his election prospects were lowly

Ron Duhamel spoke about wind power
On and on, he droned for an hour
And when he was done
Sarah Ferguson reached for her gun
And we watched the scared Deputy cower

Apologies to Rob Duhamel for the way in which he keeps cropping up, but his ideas do seem tailor made for comedy. And, just in case anyone asks, I do not believe Sarah Ferguson has got a gun, but it does make for rather a nice touch of surrealism. But I do know she's not too keen on wind power, and she's confirmed that to me.

Tomorrow I will be posting contributions which I have been sent from other people.

Parish plug shortfall Solution to avoid drain on municipal resources

Parish plug shortfall Solution to avoid drain on municipal resources
by Guest Blogger, Pauline Legge

The harbour at St Aubin's is full of boats once more, now that dredging operations have been completed. The sharp-eyed viewer may notice that the harbour, when full at high tide, now remains one yard below its previous high water mark. .

In a leaked report, I have learned that in the course of dredging the mud away, some historic damage to the harbour floor was uncovered. Older members of St Aubin's community may remember that here is a vast circular cast iron plug, about 3 yards in diameter, which was made to keep extra water in the harbour to enable larger boats to moor. This appears to have been damaged at some time in the past.

The first plug was made of solid oak in Elizabethan times, when Sir Walter Raleigh deemed "forsooth the waters should be retained, privy for the berth of larger vessels of trade". The money was raised by a levy on the rates. In Victorian times, the oak was badly rotting, and the Connétable stated that "des centaines de livres sont parties en fumée". A cast iron plug was made to replace it, by ironmongers, again financed by the rates.

Repairs to this plug are therefore needed, and a special early assembly of the Parish is planned for today,. April 1st,  to levy an emergency increase on the Parish rates of 1p to pay for it. After the assembly, which will be held at 11 am, there will be a traditional fish breakfast of "poisson d'avril".

The Bald Truth: A Global Brand

Have you heard of "The Bald Truth"? Locals may know it as the blog site of Trevor Pitman - and there is also a website under that name, which needs updating - it still refers to him as "Deputy Trevor Pitman". But there are a surprising lot of other Bald Truths out there, as I found out when I was trying to remember the former Deputy's Twitter feed. So here is a trawl through the virtual realm of Baldness and Truth, rather like Dave Gorman's search for Dave Gorman (of which more later).
 
One of the first to come up above Trevor's blog in Google is the website:
 
http://www.thebaldtruth.com/  
 
This has the headline banner - "Sex, Life and Hair Loss", and it is a weekly talk radio show hosted by Spencer Kobren, founder and president of the American Hair Loss Association. I've been unable to find if Trevor has ever tuned in. Quite how you can talk every week on hair loss alone without repeating yourself endlessly is beyond me, which is probably why they added life and sex to spice up the show.
 
It is a rather peculiar conjunction, as if hair loss somehow correlated to loss of libido, or loss of attractiveness to women. Given the fan mail received by Telly Savalas as Kojak, I don't think that is the case. "Who loves you, baby?" as he would ask, but perhaps it is the lollipop in Kojak's hand that was the real aphrodisiac.
 
And from there, going towards the UK, we have a website all about deep personal life changes at:
 
http://thebaldtruth.co.uk/  
 
"From money to health, from business to relationships -  anybody exposed to Rohans passionate delivery, live coaching sessions and practical tools experience deep personal life changes. His journey continues as he expands both his brand The Bald Truth and his message globally."
 
While on Twitter, one of the first Twitter accounts to pop up is a political one. But not that of Trevor. This is the one which grabbed the first wording on Twitter:
 
The Bald Truth, @thebaldtruth
 
"I talk about things that matter (i.e., politics and Pittsburgh sports). Pittsburgh, PA"
 
I love the juxtaposition of the universal - "politics" and the particular "Pittsburgh Sports"! I can't really think of local politicians who make that kind of coincidence of two interests together. But as I am not really a sports fan, it is possible that it just has not registered.
 
There is also Dave Hanks, who has the Twitter @BaldTruthHR
 
His bio says: "An HR VP with 15+ years of experience talks Simple but Difficult Truths about Human Resources. Cincinnati, OH"
 
It's intriguing, with the combination of "simple" and "difficult", which seems almost a contradiction in terms. It reminds me of Bertrand Russell devoting an entire book of logic to prove that 1+1=2.
 
And then we are back to hair again, with
 
@BaldTruthDoc
"In this documentary we will uncover the secrecy that has made it difficult to find out the truth about hair replacement techniques. #BaldTruthDoc London · indiegogo.com/The-Bald-Truth."
 
And in the UK:
"The Bald Truth @TheBaldTruthUK
Motivation, inspiration and anti-discrimination for baldies, balders and sympathisers."
 
Should Jersey's new discrimination law have a special anti-discrimination law for the follicle-challenged men, one might ask? It seems absurd, until you read an interesting story on the Huffington post in which John T Capps told the paper:
 
"And then on the last day, when they brought us in to give us our review and whether we made it or not -- then they were just casual enough at that time to say, 'you know, the image of our company does not have room for a bald head. We are dealing with young people, you are going to be associated with young people, and baldness is kind of associated with more mature people. We need our company to represented by somebody that has hair."
 
On a very different tack, is "Good Ape" at @BaldTruthTeller, who has, we are told, an "Insatiable hunger for the truth." This appears to be an atheist Tweeter with rather a caustic turn of phrase:
 
"The Quran claims to contain an explanation of everything past present and future. The English version doesn't seem to mention antibiotics though"
 
And of the Bible's authorship: "A desert dwelling nomad fantasy writer from 2000 years ago"
 
Meanwhile, we have BFT Foundation @BFTFoundation
 
This is "The Bald Faced Truth Foundation" which is "is a 501(c)3 organization that promotes joy and growth in youth through support of the arts, music, education and athletics. Portland, Oregon · baldfacedtruth.org"
 
And the somewhat sparse and Tweet free
The Bald Truth @TheBaldTruth1, which is "Fat-free since 1982"
 
And pretty tweet free, too!
 
But the one I rather like the best is
 
The BALD TRUTH@CoachRicKolster
 
Ric's bio is a "Leadership Expert, Executive Coach, Motivator Author of Roll Up Your Sleeves and Get To Work. Coach Rick speaks The BALD TRUTH Southlake, TX · CoachRickKolster.com"

It's an interesting mix of though provoking maxims, and the odd comic one, and here is a selection:
 
"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages."
 
"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. What is YOUR song today? Will you sing it?"
 
"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs."
 
"There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish and those who wish they were."
 
"It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret."
 
"It's time to start living in the present.  Letting go of the past is not easy, especially if you have wounds that have never properly."
 
"Resentment, hate and anger are like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
 
"Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
 
The last could particularly apply to Jersey, where official spin has eroded trust in political statements, which are often face-saving, and don't appear particularly honest, and the rumour mill, where unidentified sources may sometimes be treated with less suspicion than they deserve. The truth, in all probability, lies somewhere in between, whether bald or not.

For anyone intrigued by this kind of meander, I'd recommend Dave Gorman's site:
http://www.davegorman.com/projects_are_you_dave_gorman.html

The Blizzards of March 2013: A Restrospective

Tuesday: Weather :   Rather cloudy and misty in the morning. Some bright or sunny periods developing for the afternoon. Fair overnight. Wind :  Northeast moderate F4 to fresh F5, veering northeast to east moderate F4 later. Max : 12 °C
 
The weather so far - as can be seen in today's forecast - is considerably better than one year ago, when blizzard conditions swept across Jersey. I penned this some time ago but never used it. It's a poem which captures something of the scenes in March 2013 - and can be sung to the tune of Jingle Bells, of course!
 
Let's hope this year does not have any nasty surprises!
 
Dashing through the snow
In St Brelade's March one day
Where cars no longer go
Shivering all the way
What a sight in Spring!
Abandoned cars in sight
The weather brings a sting
A sleighing song tonight!
 
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Sledging time today
Oh! what fun it is to slide
For children out to play
Winter magic, casts its spells
Snow in March this day
Oh! what fun it is to slide
For children out to play
 
Now the ground is white
But it won't be here for long
Keep in the warm tonight
And thaws will come next day
As falling snows recede
Put away the open sleigh
For now it's time to weed!

I'd also recommend my posting on "Monday Snow in Tweets" to capture the feel of that time:
http://tonymusings.blogspot.com/2013/03/monday-snow-in-tweets.html

The Lighter Side of Jersey Politics

Signs of the Times

One of my favourite signs this election (via Nick Le Cornu). Someone was not thinking! Here's the notice, and the hastily corrected version. I know Jersey has a growing Polish population, but their own polling station! Or is everyone else supposed to vote first?!





The Hustings

“I am fed up with my predecessors having a mandate to represent me and failing. I want the job myself.” I know what Mr Travert means, but it sounds as if he wants the mandate to represent himself and fail! We are perilously close to King Charles walking and talking half an hour after his head was cut off.

Mr Philpott meantime talked about numerous concerns which were “very wide ranging”, which was a phrase used by one of the Permanent Undersecretaries in “Yes Prime Minister”. When you hear him say - “Many of the issues raised are currently subject to ongoing research, consideration, subject to scrutiny, and implementation in the States. If you elect me, I hope to play a part in the decision making process” – you realise that he is not a million miles from Sir Humprey Appleby, and could clearly write a few scripts.

And Maureen Morgan talked of rolling up her sleeves and getting on with the job. The hustings photo showed that she was not wearing a long-sleeved top, but a short-sleeved one, which might make rolling up sleeves just a tad difficult. 

Facebook

On a discussion about the Airport Runway, Nicholas Jouault spoke about “The same muppets that built a glass building that dazzled the pilots when landing and installed an orgy of bollards.”

I really love that as a collective noun – “an orgy of bollards”. I wonder if the said bollards need the permission of the Bailiff to perform, or whether they could be arrested for obscenity? I can imagine one campaigner hard at work:

The late Mary Whitehouse (for it is she): “I was up at Jersey Airport, and I was appalled to see an orgy of bollards there. I know we live in liberal times, but one expects road management not to descent to the level of gutter filth”

Willy Nieuwburg meantime, before he judiciously edited what he said, spoke of the candidates as having a “grey uninspiring voice”. What on earth is a "grey" voice? Can you have a "blue" voice", or a "purple" voice? Perhaps ladies who have a purple rinse, also develop a peculiar tone of speech to go with it with florid, purple prose? This is clearly racist. Or colorist.

Mary Whitehouse would probably be back, asking if any candidates had voices in 50 shades of grey, of course. And we’ve all heard about “blue language”, haven’t we, gentle readers.

Guernsey – A Case of Nominative Election Determinism?

I love this sentence on the possible candidates for Chief Minister in our sister Island. Thank you BBC Guernsey!

“Deputy Lyndon Trott, former chief minister, has not ruled himself out of running.”

I gather that Deputy Chief Minister Jonathan Le Tocq is also considering standing for the position, but time is running out on the clock.

The Ideal Candidate

What would the ideal candidate be like? They'd have the longish hair of Sam Mezec, but the gray hair of the elderly patrician Ian Philpott, and perhaps the receding hairline of some of the candidates like Gordon Forrest. They would be clever like with some sort of degree like Maureen Morgan (but maybe even a doctorate), but capable of the sharp retort, like Nick Le Cornu. They would make the odd fluff, like Roy Travert. They would have an eye for injustice like Paul Huelin. They would have once held office, but be an exile from that life (a wanderer in the political dimension) like Paul le Clare. And Bernie Manning as DJ would play strange music as they appeared...Who would fit that bill? I reveal all.

Here then is the photo-fit picture of the ideal candidate:

Doctor Who. He could defeat the Daleks, but could he tackle Senator Philip Ozouf?

The Idiots Guide to Elections - Part 2

The Manifesto Leaflets

This can be left if the person is out. It costs to produce, and some politicians have been known to re-use old photos from previous elections to save on costs. This may lead the voter, on being confronted by the candidate at the polling station to assume that the effort of running a campaign has really aged the candidate, and they may not get a vote as a result. It will be interesting to see if the new changes which will have candidate's photos adorning the polling stations will also have a rejuvenating effect on appearance.

Except for Senators, where the Island wide issues are those that matter most, for Deputies or Constables manifestoes, the best order to present them is as follows. Resume. Parish. Island. Green Issues. Voluntary. Hobbies.

Begin with a brief resume of who you are, and that you are a good "family man" if a man.  It's one of those wonderful phrases, which can work wonders with the electorate, as long as it doesn't appear at the same time as JEP headlines such as "A highly respected 'family man' who engineered ten operations to import nearly £50,000 worth of drugs into Jersey has been jailed for nine years.". 

Heinrich Himmler was also a middle-class family man, loved and fully supported by his respectable German family. So when someone says to you (wanting your vote) they are a "family man", why not say "Like Heinrich Himmler, you mean?" Curiously no one ever says of a lady that they are a good "family woman".  Single people standing for election can play on the fact that they can devote themselves full time to the electorate, unencumbered by family commitments. Avoid the word "loner".

If you have family who were in politics, mention them at this point. "He is the great grand niece of Constable Winter Le Cochon" may go down well in establishing antecedence (and transgender issues!). This is called the "rub off" effect when the famous ancestor suggests a long line of great people, although if they are too distant, people may wonder why there have been no other political greats since. Avoid mention of notorious Privateers or Regicides.

After that, deal with local Parish (or district matters). This is after all, for the people who vote for you. They want you to know that you care about the things that matter to them. A former Constable of St Helier spent a small fortune on the Town Hall, raised rates through the roof, but didn't live in the Parish, so he did not have to pay them. So don't be out of touch. Speak to people, find their concerns and issues, and out them in your manifesto as priorities.

Put in a nice photo of a suitable Parish landmark. Corbière Lighthouse, if you live in St Brelade. Gorey Castle if you live in Grouville. Havre des Pas, or the Town Park, if you live in St Helier. This gives the manifesto a wonderful local feel, rather like a tourism brochure, and sends out the subliminal message "Vote for me, I'm a local landmark too."

After Parish Issues come Island issues. Things like GST, traffic, immigration, unemployment, road works, and the high cost of living.

GST was introduced some time ago, but it is always good to raise the expectation of exemptions in the expectation of getting extra votes. Meanwhile, the island is sinking beneath waves of immigration and a sea of traffic. Mixed metaphors are useful in a manifesto, because people are so puzzled trying to work out what you are saying, that they don't see that you are saying nothing at all. The cost of living is actually higher here than in the UK, and higher in some parts of the Island like Les Platons than down in St Aubin's Bay.

But it is best not to get too bogged down in particulars. Keep it vague. Unemployment remains a significant problem. I will look into road works if elected. The cost of living is something I will address. Migration is an area of concern. There are important issues facing the States requiring urgent attention.

And then add the personal touch - I believe I have the strength and confidence to improve matters and influence the States. I want to improve the lives of ordinary people.  I will represent your interests. I will promote change and improvement. I have spent all my working life in Jersey.

But avoid saying that you are a member of Mensa. The general public actually does not like a "clever clogs", and the last aspiring candidate to tell every hustings meeting that they were a member of Mensa did not fare well. It was not a bright move, which does beg the question why he did so, as a member of Mensa. Maybe their standards are slipping.

Finally, end with Green Issues, Voluntary Work, and Hobbies. The environment is important and I want to see less litter, and more green spaces, preferably with holes for golf balls. I pick up litter when I am out playing golf. I'm very keen on preserving the planet, and I'm keen that we keep our green countryside unspoilt, especially where I live. And I'm a member of the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band in my spare time.

But you might prefer the "alternative" manifesto, in which you present yourself as the only real working class hero, the man of the people, and the last hope for the poorer people, sold into wage slavery and made to work under gruelling conditions by the factory owners. Come the revolution, comrades, we will dispense with taxes, solve the population problem at a stroke by bringing back the guillotine for the capitalists, and rise up and overthrow the tyrants.

In fact, if you go down this road, you can pretty well promise the earth, because you will never be in a position to deliver, always being the entrenched outsider in the States, the sort of character who would have been "The Man They Love to Hate" in various TV shows. A kind of Socialist equivalent of J.R. in Dallas, loud and demonstrative, but impotent.

Useful adjectives and phrases. Pepper your manifesto throughout with useful adjectives and phrases. The voter expects these, and will be very disappointed if they don't see them. Some people, like trainspotters, actually have a club called Jersey Votespotters, and they look for the lesser green warbler, the cockney sparrow, or the greater crested vulture.

They can all be found in the book "The Votespotters Guide 2014", published by Ballot Press (Jersey) Limited and available by mail order only. Examples are:

"Vital importance" as in "finance is of vital importance" "sport is of vital importance", "housing is of vital importance", "votes for me are of vital importance, to me, anyway"

"Significant" as in "significant unemployment". Unemployment is always significant if mentioned, and the adjective demonstrates that the politician has spotted it. A salary of £40,000 or so if elected is also a significant factor in their thinking, and would also lower unemployment by one, which would be significant to the candidate if elected.

"Urgent" as in "urgent attention". Matters always need urgent attention. Aspiring politicians are never patient.

"Vibrant" as in "vibrant sport centre" or "vibrant financial centre" but not "vibrant funeral director"., or even for that matter "vibrant States Chamber", unless they wire the chairs to give electric shocks when politicians fall asleep.

"Professional" often combined with "expertise" unless it is "huge expertise. No one ever has minor expertise, it is always professional, and huge, rather like Eric Pickles.

"Key advantages" where you don't say that a key advantage to yourself would be extra votes.

"Team player" usually means the kind of boy who wanted to join the gang and be part of the inside crowd when they were a snotty nosed schoolboy with shorts and satchel.

Colours: pastel colours suggest someone who is calm, and peaceful, rather like the Dalai Lama. As no one has ever voted for the Dalai Lama in local elections, I suggest something brighter. The problem is to avoid turning out with matching rosettes, which is also known as the cocktail party dress problem. Try to avoid something spotty or people will subconsciously associate you with mumps or measles.

The Idiots Guide to Elections - Part 1

Nomination

The election starts with the nomination meeting. You can tell quite a bit about a candidate by some of the people who are backing him as proposer or seconders.

Notable in these elections for St Helier No 1 and No 2 were the presence of Rose Colley (Consumer Council) and Senator Paul Routier coming in support of Gordon Forrest, which suggests he is the preferred States candidate (as well as being a Chamber of Commerce Member)

Also of note was the Dean, Bob Key, taking an unusual foray into politics and supporting Bernie Manning, along with Catholic Deacon Ian Macfirbishigh. Is he the Church candidate of choice? Ian Macfirbishigh was quite catholic with his support and also seconded Ian Philpott.

Meanwhile Nick Le Cornu had Gino Risoli on his nomination paper. One might have thought he would have mentioned in passing to Gino that if you intend to stand, you need a nomination paper before the night, about which Gino seems to have been unaware.

There are also the nomination speeches, as reported in the JEP, which take up a few paragraphs, and amount to the merest sound bite. One of those I enjoyed as Clive Barton cheerfully mixed images in support of Ian Philpott in a manner worth of Private Eye's Commentator Balls. Mr Philpott, he said, would be a "team player" who would "lead from the front". No, Mr Barton, it is the Team Captain who leads from the front, and the players support him!

Meanwhile Alberto Rodrigues, speaking about Bernie Manning, told the assembled gathering that "Bernie is not a member of any political party. He has a mind of his own." Clearly someone should tell David Cameron that the two are mutually exclusive!

The Totem Poster Pole

The posters and banners are starting to appear. At the moment, Sam Mezec has taken the lead, and his youthful face is gazing benignly down at motorists and pedestrians alike. I've also spotted a few Bernie Manning ones.

But for the best "Totem Pole" effect, you need poles with one poster face under another, and under another, preferably with all candidates there. It's the modern political equivalent, I've always thought of the Native American Indian Totem Pole, and rather like a votive offering to placate the gods of the ballot box.

People with more money may put up the bigger banners, usually on roundabouts, where they attempt to simultaneously gain voters, and cause voters to swerve out of control and crash. I think if I had crashed trying to see what a banner said, I'd be rather unlikely to vote for the individual concerned.  Banners usually go for the larger snappy slogan along with the mantra to vote for their candidate. "A safe pair of hands" would be a good example, although it does suggest the person may be into safe cracking in their spare time. "He listens" is another good one, and if a telephone number is also given (and you can memorise it whizzing round the roundabout), you can always ring them and leave a message on their answering machine for them to listen to.

Canvassing door to door

Along with posters, goes another roadside endeavour, canvassing door to door. It shows the candidate has a degree of commitment, and they are prepared to talk, to drop off manifestoes, and to actually see the voters they want to vote for them. I've known some people decide not to vote for a candidate simply because of the perception that they could not be bothered to wear out the shoe leather (or whatever material trainers are made of).

Memorandum to candidates - don't go out with a friend in a smart suit on Saturday mornings. You may be mistaken for Jehovah's Witnesses, and lose votes largely from people who think you are out to push Watchtower Magazine (or whatever they call it nowadays) and who don't open the door when they see you coming. "Millions now living will never die" was their slogan in the 1970s, but has been dropped of late, as most of those millions have since died. And they probably didn't vote much either. And I don't know for certain, but I'd suspect there are probably half a dozen dead people on the electoral role today.

Old people's homes are also worth a visit. They are a captive audience, and a would be politician can enliven what might otherwise be a routine day, as long as you don't make a boring speech and send them to sleep. And you can meet a number at the same time, without having to walk very far. It might be well for older candidates to avoid such venues however, in case they bump into some of their contemporaries who think, mistakenly, they are sussing the place out for their own retirement. Of course, old people's memories may not be what they were, and they may vote for someone else entirely, or confuse you with Winter Ecobichon, who died in the influenza epidemic of 1919.

The Hustings and their reporting in the JEP

The hustings is the chance for the candidates to prove their worth. But appearances can be deceptive. What most people learn of the hustings are the reports, by BBC Radio Jersey, on the CTV website, and most importantly in the JEP. This can easily shape perceptions. Remember how the 2011 elections had Sir Philip Bailhache pictured on the front, with a few lines from his speech, and the line "the other candidates' speeches can be read inside". Except for Chris Whitworth, who had a large cardboard cut out in his place, and was not present.

Be positive. Don't get into an argument with other candidates. I've seen this happen, and the media love it, because they love a good prize fight; it sells news. But it doesn't buy votes, and the public image is that someone is quarrelsome, and however good a debater you are, you will lose votes. Even Churchill lost opportunities of office by making a speech in which he attacked the leader of the opposition as "the boneless wonder" that his parents had forbidden him to see at fairgrounds.

And the JEP can be very selective in the way they pick the sound bites to report on. What can seem like a successful hustings meeting, making points which seemed to go down well with the people listening can be wholly unlike how the speeches are reported in the JEP. Remember that massively more people read the JEP than turn up to the hustings. To be is to be perceived in the media, as Bishop Berkley once said, or would have said if he was living in today's media sound bite world.

Blogs can print the full text of your speech, and you can put links up to that on Facebook, but really only a fraction of the people who read the JEP will see that online.

The JEP may also do a Q&A for aspiring politicians, where they select particular questions to appeal to their readership and sell papers. "What do you think of Sunday Trading?" could be a hot topic for this election. "How well do you think the Fiscal Policy Panel reports help the Council of Ministers?" is a dull question, and no one really wants to know, despite the fact that it is as important.

In days of yore, the JEP used to actually provide a slate of candidates they recommended to the general public. Matters are more subtle today, but watch out for the odd column endorsing or criticising a candidate. Helier Clement, after a bottle or two of calvados will probably sound out on the election, and others may as well, although in more sober fashion.

In my next part of the Idiot's Guide to Elections, I will be looking at Manifesto Leaflets, Websites, and Adverts in the JEP.

Chin chin old bean

"@IDS_MP. Chin chin old bean. Parodia Spucatum tauri, Westminster"
 
It appears that David Cameron was confused with tweets sent from @IDS_MP, which is not  the real Iain Duncan Smith, who doesn't even have a Twitter account. He included @IDS_MP in a Tweet he sent out from the Downing Street!
 
As a report noted, the @IDS_MP account  includes the phrase "Parodia Spucatum tauri" in its description. The IDS profile is a rough latin translation of "parody bullshit".
 
"It was just a bit of a dig," the author explained. "A bit of fun. I try not to take Twitter too seriously and it's always good to poke fun at our MPs. Times are quite difficult, the country's in a mess and I get quite angry with a lot of things. It's a way of expressing myself.""
 
It is very much in the tradition of Private Eye's "Dear Bill", a clear parody, but wickedly funny all the same. It should be noted (for lawyers present) that the real Ian Duncan Smith does not hold any of these opinions. And the author has not yet received any requests to close the account.
 
Here are some satirical sound bites from the definitely fake IDS Twitter account:
 
GOVERNMENT ADVICE: If your home is in the path of the storm, head to your second or third home for safety. #ukstorm
 
Our #ukstorm advice to the south is don't work, stay at home and watch TV. The north can just carry on doing that as normal.
 
Here are a few others posted recently
 
Labour Voters! Don't forget to put your clocks back to 1974
 
Can't get hold of President Obama, so I've left him a message on Angela Merkel's voicemail.
 
By taking care of them, you can save money spent on costly Poppies each remembrance. I've had mine for ten years now #Remembrance
 
Don't let fuel poverty spoil this years winter fun! Tesco value ketchup makes an ideal dip to turn icicles into fun ice pops for kids
 
My salary is £65,000 a year. After petrol, food and housing are deducted I'm only left with £65,000 a year. I deserve an 11% pay rise
 
Install a bike powered dynamo in your home. This will provide free electricity, keep you warm and improve your fitness. Vote Tory!
 
#CameronHeatingTips Save cash by smearing the elderly with Deep Heat
 
If you worry about the cost of buying a jumper to stay warm try Tesco value tin foil instead. It makes an ideal budget 'space blanket'
 
We are working hard to eliminate obesity in children, by starving them all. Vote Tory! #FatChildrenDebate
 
Save money by telling your child he has no soldiers with his boiled egg because they're in Afghanistan or redundant #thriftythursday
 
Help the elderly and vulnerable cope with increased fuel prices by encouraging them to jog to the food bank.
 
As the nights draw in it's important you check on elderly neighbours, to report if they have vacant spare rooms before it's too dark to see.
 
 
References
http://www.dailydot.com/politics/canada-david-cameron-twitter-parody/
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/revealed-the-twitter-user-who-hoodwinked-david-cameron-with-the-iain-duncan-smith-parody-account-idsmp-8709512.html

Odds and Ends

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Mabon
 
Mabon (Autumn Equinox) was on Sunday, 22nd September at 9:44pm BST in the Northern Hemisphere. Bright blessings for Mabon to all my friends.
 
Mabon is a Welsh name meaning "great son," and refers to the Son of the Great Mother, The Divine Son of Light. Mythologically this festival celebrates the story of Modron, the Great Goddess of the Earth, and the birth of her son, Mabon.
 
Other cultures also identified this season with their own mythologies. In ancient Rome, it was a celebration to Mercury or Apollo. Christian Britain replaced the Welsh Mabon with St Michael, to whom churches on many sacred Pagan sites were erected. The Autumnal Equinox became known as the Christian Feast of Michaelmas.
 
And in Jersey there is also: La Mabonnerie - The 'Mabon' family home. 'Mabon' is a Welsh surname. In Welsh, the name Mabon means- Legendary son of Modron.
 
There is the also surname Mabon. The last Catholic Dean of Jersey was Richard Mabon.
 
Dean Mabon's family probably came from Wales. An account of his pilgrimage to the holy land in the middle ages can be read here:
 
http://tonymusings.blogspot.com/2013/03/mabon-pilgrim-and-his-friends.html
 
And there's another article about him here: http://members.societe-jersiaise.org/whitsco/deanmabon.htm
 
Funny Business
 
I came across this quote by Dorothy Parker, that well known American humorist, last week:
 
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
 
Lost in a Fog of Ignorance
 
One of those strange thoughts which comes to you when you wake up briefly in the middle of the night: when it is thick fog outside, how come there is no fog inside? I could Google the answer, but it is more fun letting people put suggestions in comments.
 
Alas, no one had any ideas. All I was told by Reg Langlois was this "One of those strange thought which comes to you when you wake up briefly in the middle of the night:... What the heck have I done to have this cramp."
 
So any ideas, gentle readers?
 
All that I've manage to glean so far is "How to keep your Glasses Fogging up When You Enter a Building", not quite the same thing. "Remove fog from inside building" sounded interesting but it is all about some kind of map model software:
 
"I'm working on a map for L4D, its going fine but I have a slightly annoying problem with the env_fog_controller, my map is going to be completely enclosed with no outside areas, with Fog enable on everything works fine, however there is fog inside my building which I do not want."
 
Remaining weather related, when temperatures fell on 9 September, novelist John Niven, mentioned that he had switched on his central heating. Tweet: "Anyone else considering putting the heating on?"
 
The feedback was overwhelmingly disparaging. "The reaction on Twitter was: 'Man up, put a sweater on'," he says.
 
"Man up" owes its early popularization to another American sport: football. Describing man-to-man defence as manning up on the opposing team is an easy linguistic step to make in the American variety that man up took on a more general idea of resilience in the face of adversity.
 
The earliest example comes in 1987 - when the San Diego Chargers defensive tackle Mike Charles told The Union Tribune: "Right now, by the grace of God, we're hanging by the skin of our teeth. Now we've got to man up and take care of ourselves.
 
A Personalised Weather Forecast
 
I've been taking the daily weather forecasts and subtly modifying them on Facebook. Or possible not so subtly, come to think of it. Here's a recent collection:
 
Forecast 1:
 
Forecast for Jersey from noon today Tuesday 17 September 2013 until 6am tomorrow. Weather : Very dark grey Clouds with outbreaks of nasty cold rain and drizzle and a risk of hill fog patches, clearing overnight, so you have been warned! Max : 17 °C Min : 14 °C
 
Wind : Southwest strong F6, soon veering west, increasing strong F7 at times this afternoon. The Shipping Forecast says it might reach Force 8 "in the North of the Area", which probably means those poor sods who live in Alderney rather than Les Platons.
 
Forecast 2:
 
Weather : Occasional light rain or lemon drizzle, mainly this evening. Min : 14 °C
Visibility : Moderate to good, occasionally poor, possibly bankrupt. West strong F6, occasionally strong F7. Open Sea State : Rough. Prince Edward visited and was surprised by the weather. Swell: Confused.
 
Forecast from 6am until 6pm tomorrow Thursday. Weather : Cloudy with occasional rain or drizzle by afternoon. Dr Foster issues a puddle warning. Risk of hill fog patches. Max : 17 °C Wind : West liberal and moderate F4, soon backing southwest and increasing fresh F5 to strongbow F6, veering wild west during the afternoon.
 
Forecast 3:
 
Weather : Rain, drizzle and hill fog patches soon clearing, becoming mainly fair. Min : 12 °C so you'll need a Fair Isle sweater. Visibility : Moderate to very poor soon becoming good, and even saintly. Wind : Southwest fresh F5 to strong F6 soon veering wild west, then north by northwest moderate F4 to fresh F5 this evening, decreasing light F3 to moderate F4 around midnight. Decreasing light is what you expect around midnight. Open Sea State : Rather rough, decreasing slight overnight, with a low swell, maybe that's Lord Snooty going surfing.
 
Forecast 4:
 
Weather : Cloudy. Mist and fog spreading from the west during the afternoon. Oh mist rolling in, from the sea my desire. Touch of Wings creeping in the forecast. I do apologise. Let's continue. Max : 19 °C. Visibility : Good, becoming moderate to very poor. Wind : South to southwest light F2 or 3, veering west this afternoon. Blow the wind southerly, southerly, southerly. Sorry, at it again. Open Sea State : Slight. Much like my singing.
 
Forecast 5:
 
Forecast for Jersey from 5pm today Sunday 22 September 2013 until 6am tomorrow.
Weather : Fine. And it is 8.00pm and it has been fine so far. So that's fine. Min : 14 °C which is on the chilly side, and may not be quite so fine if you are outside. Visibility : Good. Wind : Northeast light F2 or 3, veering easterly this evening increasing light F3 to moderate F4. Open Sea State : Slight.
 
Forecast 6:
 
Forecast from 6am until 6pm tomorrow Monday. Weather : Sunny delight and warm. Max : 24 °C. Wind : Easterly light F3 increasing moderate F4. We may be in for an Indian Summer. Wow! How! I'll get the drums out, and set up the Totem pole to dance around in a loin cloth.
 
And so to bed.
 
I always finish my evening with a few carefully chosen quotations on Facebook. I try and not just find any old quote, but one that I think is inspirational, although occasionally I'll put a funny one up as well - humour can, after all, lift the spirits. My funny one recently was the Dorothy Parker one; here are some more quietly thoughtful ones to ponder:
 
And to bed ... quote for tonight is from R.J. Palacio
 
The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honour heroes after they've died. They're like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honour the pharaohs. Only instead of being made of stone, they're made out of the memories people have of you.
 
And so to bed...quote for tonight is from Ray Simpson:
 
Frequently we do not leave the past behind. We clasp on to it. We dissect it, and let fears for the future, tempered by the past, unconsciously prevent us from taking up the task eternal.
 
And so to bed... quote for tonight is from Kahlil Gibran:
 
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise on your lips.

With Just a Touch of Hesitation, Repetition and Deviation: A Review

I have just finished Nicholas Parsons' second autobiography "With Just a Touch of Hesitation, Repetition and Deviation". His first one was called "The Straight Man", and was very much a standard workman like story, interesting, but without anything special that stood out. This is more thematic, and the better for it; the anecdotes are very good, and the whole book seems much more like a work that Parsons enjoyed writing, rather than one he felt he should write,
 
One of my favourite anecdotes is about Clement Freud, whom, of course, Nicholas Parsons was re-acquainted with on the BBC Radio 4 show "Just a Minute". I love this story, which completely captures Freud's dry sense of humour:
 
"The success of any restaurant or club is entirely dependent on the personality of the individual running it. He or she needs to be a first class host with shrewd business acumen and a strong personality. Clement was all of those and made a huge success of his club, and it was sad when the theatre failed to renew his lease in 1962, saying that they wanted the room for experimental theatre work. On the last evening, he got neatly everyone he had ever employed to do a show for free. We did about 15 minutes each. It was a fantastic night. Everyone was there. None of the performers would have missed it for the world. The wine was flowing - Clement was clearing out his stock at cut prices - and the atmosphere was incredible. I understand that Clement made a tape of the evening, but I have no idea what happened to it. It would be wonderful if it was ever found and restored. It was a one-off occasion that could never be repeated. "
 
"Some people patronised the club for the atmosphere, some for the cuisine and some because they enjoyed the personality of the owner, whose agile brain and quick eye never missed a thing. He was always courteous but would not suffer fools and was never afraid to be candid in a subtle way with those he found unpleasant. On one occasion, a difficult customer complained to the waiter about the wine. The waiter reported it to Clement, who immediately went up to the man's table and politely said, 'You have a complaint?' "
 
"`Yes,' said the man. 'This wine is disgusting. It tastes like vinegar.'
`I'm sorry,' said Clement. 'I'll bring you something else.' He took
the bottle and the man's glass and returned with another glass, full to the brim. 'Would you like to try this?' he asked in a concerned manner.
The man accepted the glass and took a large gulp. Immediately, he spluttered his mouthful over the table: 'Good God, what was that?'
`That was vinegar,' said Clement with a wry smile. The man never returned, and Clement was perfectly happy, "
 
No story could be complete without "From Norwich, the Quiz of the Year", the notable TV show "The Sale of the Century". Nicholas used to chat to the contestants beforehand, to get to know them so that they would not be inhibited when he put on the pressure later in the show. I love these anecdotes too:
 
"On one particular occasion, the three contestants were an attractive young woman, a quiet, self-effacing middle-aged man and a friendly, voluble cockney character. I spoke to the woman first and discovered a little about her. I then turned to the Londoner and said, `On the card I have here, it says you are a pawnbroker ...' "
 
"Before I could go any further, he jumped in to explain rapidly that, while he did that kind of work, his main source of income came from working off barrows in the market, where most of his money was earned in cash: `Mostly back-of-the-hand stuff, you understand, Nicholas, nothing declared. What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve over, if you get my meaning, Nicholas. I couldn't put that down as my living for obvious reasons, so I thought pawnbroker covered a multitude of sins, without raising any suspicions ...' He carried on loquaciously for a time and then said, `Oh, look at me, I'm talking too much.' "
 
"Turning abruptly to the third contestant, who had been listening quietly, he asked, And what do you do for a living?' The man replied dryly, `I'm an income-tax inspector.' I had never before seen anyone actually turn white in an instant. Needless to say, our cockney contestant did not do well on the show. "
 
"The best-ever response came one evening when a lady pressed her buzzer to answer one of the early £1 questions: ` According to the proverb, what should people who live in glass houses not do?' `Take a bath,' came the reply. She received a huge laugh. I told her the correct answer, `throw stones', and said I would love to give her a bonus, but as it was a serious quiz I had to take the money away from her total. "
 
The questions set were originally in no order, and did not work well, so very soon after the show's inception, Nicholas himself was researching, writing, and grading the questions so that they went from easy to difficult. He was just the presenter, and this was unpaid work, but work that he found thoroughly enjoyable. It was to stand him in good stead:
 
"In 1981, I appeared as a contestant on the show. It was one Christmas specials, and I took part alongside the comedian and presenter Tom O'Connor and the host of Border Television's Mrs, Derek Batey. We were each raising money for our chosen charities. My charity was the Lord's Taverners. "
 
"I was nervous beforehand, because I feared I was on a hiding to nothing. The man who presented himself to the public as having all the answers could now be shown up. There wasn't anything I could do but try my best. "
 
Because of his solid general knowledge, he won, with one of the highest scores any contestant ever had!
 
And here is another wonderful anecdote from another of the contestants on "Just A Minute", the inimitable Kenneth Williams:
 
"Straight actors are different. However talented they are, most find it a challenge to walk on the stage as themselves and make even a simple announcement. Actors are used to getting into character. I was once compering at a big charity event at Drury Lane, and a famous actress from the Royal Shakespeare Company was about to go on stage and introduce the next act. She was shaking with nerves, and I asked her what was wrong. `Well, I haven't done this before,' she replied. She would have been absolutely fine if she had been playing a role, but having to walk our there and be herself was difficult. On stage, actors not only have their character written for them but also have the support of those around them. They are part of a team and have someone to help them cover if something goes wrong. Kenneth Williams's story of appearing in an Agatha Christie thriller is a classic example. "
 
"Kenneth originally saw himself as a serious actor, and he was very good, but even in those early days he demonstrated an incredible ability to improvise. His character was shot quite early on in the play, and Kenneth was supposed to sink to his knees, fatally wounded in the stomach. When using guns in plays, there is always a standby in the hands of the stage manager, so if the one the actor is holding fails to fire the spare is used from the wings. It never sounds as realistic, as the shot is heard after the actor has pulled the trigger, but at least the audience is aware of what is supposed to have happened. On this occasion, both guns failed to go off. Silence. "
 
"The actors on stage were transfixed. The audience were whispering, and some were beginning to laugh. Kenneth saved the situation. He whispered to the actor with the gun, `Throw it at me.' In desperation, the actor did as he was told, and Kenneth caught the gun against his stomach. Falling to the floor, he went into his full death scene: `Oh, I'm going, I'm going . This is it. You never told me the gun was poisoned.' It was a brilliant ad-lib, and it brought the house down. "
 
"It is my belief that every performer, whether it is an actor or a comedian, exhibits a degree of insecurity, which is one of the reasons they strive to be on the stage. They need the acclamation of the audience to satisfy something in themselves about which they are not confident. "
 
There is also some introspection on how the outside façade of a performer is very different from the real individual beneath:
 
"Performers, myself included, can be quite shy. Their public personae may appear to be outgoing and confident, and in some cases this is genuine, but often the reality is quite different. Recently Annie and I appeared on All Star Mr &Mrs, presented by Phillip Schofield and Fern Britton. One of the questions asked revealed this side of my personality publicly. Out of earshot of Annie, who was sitting in a soundproof booth, I was given three possible answers to a question and asked to identify which one of the three I thought Annie would choose when the question was posed to her. The question asked was quite clever: `When are you most likely to fall foul of the just a Minute rules? Would it be: a) Repetition of an anecdote? b) Hesitation when entering a crowded room so that Annie decides to go ahead of you? Or c) Deviation from your usual afternoon nap?' Annie, who knows me so well, matched my answer in an instant: `Hesitation.' "
 
"If I go on the stage, I know what is involved. It may be tough and tense, but I go out there with the hope that my concentration levels will be high and I will be able to interact positively with the audience. If I go to a social function where I don't know anybody, I am more anxious. I do not know why, but I do think it is a common trait amongst performers, even if they do not admit it. "
 
There's also an interesting aside on the psychology of stand up comedians.
 
"Of all performers, I believe it is the comedians, in particular those who stand on stage on their own and have to live and die by their talent and nothing else, who are the most insecure and require the biggest boost from the audience reaction. This need for acclaim might explain a certain character trait I have noticed. A lot of comedians seem to have a distinctive attitude towards money. Most of them find it difficult to put their hands in their pockets. Some of them are downright mean. I put this down to the possibility that the much sought-after positive audience reaction is ultimately expressed in the income they earn. It is hard to part with that. "
 
This is an excellent autobiography, full of many wonderfully told stories, and I'd thoroughly recommend it.