Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Land of the Loony

On his blog, as a comment some time ago, Stuart Syvret has expressed his dislike of conspiracy theories, or as he puts it in his inimitable style:

Yawn. - look, I know I've said this many times previously - but spare us the loony conspiracy theories. And the thinly disguised out-right racism. I am not going to publish material that contains - or has links to other sites that contain or promote - any of the following: Nazis. Stalinists. Shape-shifting space-alien meta-conspiracies. The "Illuminati" Alleged Jewish plots to take over the world. Secret government plans to change the national religion to Islam. Global warming being a hoax. The "face and pyramids" on mars. Etc.

Never one to let a challenge go by, I have tried to work a very short fragment of a tale about all of these - at once! Here, for the conspiracy enthusiast, and 110% true, is the "Land of the Loony":

Josef Sprengler opened the casket. The cold air was blue around him, and he was freezing cold. But the statis device had worked; he had been frozen since 1945, and now had arrived in 2009, where he would emerge from his secret bunker on the Noirmont headland. Would the cold war have succeeded, he thought? No one knew he was a secret agent, a spy at the heart of the Nazi Party working for the cause of Stalin, and the Stalinist Empire.

They would not recognise him anyway, he thought, as with a ripple, he changed his appearance into a small swarthy man with a hooked nose. This was one secret he had kept to himself; that he was not really human, but part of a scheme to infiltrate the planet with shape shifting aliens like himself. Back in the past, only the Illuminati had discovered his schemes to take over the world, and as he was in the guise of a Jewish merchant, they thought it was a Jewish plot. Now he sprouted a long and straggly beard, growing as if by magic, to further disguise his appearance as an Imam.

Would the mosque be built in St Helier, he wondered? The predictions of the psychohistorians always indicated that there was a 90% probability that the national religion had been changed to Islam, but the time might not be ripe. The sociological equations of Hari Seldon showed the movement would gain strength in government circles underground, until there there enough supporters of the secret plan.

In the meantime, there was plenty to do. His spaceship, in a geostationary orbit, had been safely screened by a Klingon cloaking device, and before his self-incarceration, he had preset the thermal couplings to focus solar radiation more strongly on the earth. His species thrived in warmer temperatures, and he was sure the action would remain hidden, probably rationalised as some kind of natural global warming. Instead, terawatts of power were being focused on the earths atmosphere, and beamed across the vast reaches of space from a focusing device drawing power from the pyramids on mars.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hand on heart I can verify this all true apart from one mistake the fellow actually originated from a bunker overlooking St Catherine's and currently writes a blog "A view from the east" and is promoting orgasmic vegetables that are becoming very popular with genuine Jersey housewives.

Captain Fantastic