The final part of Thurber's post-modern fairy tale sees the end of the Duke of Coffin Castle, who gives us one of the most comic motivations for a villain ever to appear in print:
"We all have flaws," he said, and mine is being wicked."
There are some wonderful lines, and the purple prose is in full bloom:
He gave them all a look of horrid glee
The Golux, who had never tittered, tittered
"The tale is much too tidy for my taste"
And finally, does it end happily ever after? In a way, and there is also an epilogue, which sees the return of the Todal.
The Thirteen Clocks - by James Thurber: Part 8
The black oak room was bright with flaming torches, but brighter with the light of Saralinda. The cold eye of the Duke was dazzled by the gleaming of a thousand jewels that sparkled on the table. His ears were filled with chiming as the clocks began to strike.
"One!" said Hark.
"Two!" cried Zorn of Zorna.
"Three!" the Duke's voice almost whispered.
"Four!" sighed Saralinda.
"Five!" the Golux crowed, and pointed at the table. "The task is done, the terms are met," he said.
The Duke's cold eye slowly moved around the room. "Where are my guards?" he croaked, "and where is Krang, the greatest of them all?"
"I lured them to the tower," said Zorn, "and locked them in. The one that's tied in knots is Krang."
The Duke glared at the jewels on the table. "They're false!" he said. "They must be colored pebbles!" He picked one up, and saw that it was real, and put it down again.
"The task is done," said Hark, "the terms are met."
"Not until I count them," said the Duke. "If there be only one that isn't here, I wed the Princess Saralinda on the morrow." The figures in the room were still and he could hear their breathing.
"What a gruesome way to treat one's niece," the Golux cried.
"She's not my niece," the lame man sneered. "I stole her from a king." He showed his lower teeth. "We all have flaws," he said, and mine is being wicked." He sat down at thetable and began to count the gems.
"Who is my father then?" the Princess cried.
The spy's black eyebrows rose. "I thought the Golux told you, but then, of course, he never could remember things."
"Especially," the Golux said, "the names of kings."
"Your father," said the spy, "is good King Gwain of Yarrow."
"I know that once," the Golux said, "but I forgot it." He turned to Saralinda. "Then the gift your father gave to Hagga has operated in the end to make you happy."
The Duke looked up and bared his teeth. "The tale is much too tidy for my taste," he snarled. "I hate it." He went on counting.
"It's neat," said Hark, "and, to my taste, refreshing. He removed his mask. His eyes were bright and jolly. "If I may introduce myself," he said, "I am a servant of the King, the good King Gwain of Yarrow."
"That," the Golux said, "I didn't know. You could have saved the Princess many years ago."
The servant of the King looked sad, and said, "This part I always hate to tell, but I was under a witch's spell."
"I weary of witches," the Golux said, "with due respect to Mother."
The Duke's smile showed his upper teeth. "I cannot even trust the spies I see," he muttered. His eye moved glassily around and saw the Golux. "You mere Device!" he gnarled. "You platitude! You Golux ex machina!"
"Quiet, please," the Golux said, "you gleaming thief."
"Nine hundred ninety-eight." The Duke was counting. "Nine hundred ninety-nine." He had counted all the jewels, and put them in a sack. There was none left on the table. He gave them all a look of horrid glee. "The Princess," said the Duke, "belongs to me."
A deathly silence filled the room. The Golux turned a little pale and his hand began to shake. He remembered something in the dark, coming down from Hagga's hill, that struck against his ankle, a sapphire or a ruby that had fallen from the sack. "One thousand," groaned the Duke, in a tone of vast surprise. A diamond had fallen from his glove, the left one, and no one but the Golux saw it fall. The Duke stood up and sneered.
"What are you waiting for?" he shrieked. "Depart! If you be gone forever, it will not be long enough! If you return no more, then it will be too soon!" He slowly turned to Zorn. "What kind of knots?" he snarled.
"Turk's head," the young Prince said. "I learned them from my sister."
"Begone!" the cold Duke screamed again, and bathed his hands in rubies. "My jewels," he croaked, "will last forever." The Golux, who had never tittered, tittered. The great doors of the oak room opened, and they left the cold Duke standing there, up to his wrists in diamonds.
"Yarrow," said the Prince, "is halfway on our journey." They stood outside the castle.
"You'll need these," said the Golux. He held up the reins of two white horses. "Your ship lies in the harbor. It sails within the hour."
"It sails at midnight," Hark corrected him.
"I can't remember everything," the Golux said. "My father's clocks were always slow. He also lacked the power of concentration."
Zorn helped the Princess to her saddle. She gazed a last time at the castle. "A fair wind stands for Yarrow," said the Prince.
The Golux gazed a last time at the Princess. "Keep warm," he said. "Ride close together. Remember laughter. You'll need it even in the blessed isles of Ever After."
"There are no horses in the stables," mused the Prince. "Whence came this white ones?"
"The Golux has a lot of friends," said Hark. "I guess they give him horses when he needs them. But on the other hand, he may have made them up. He makes things up, you know."
"I know he does," sighed Zorn of Zorna. "You sail for Yarrow with us?"
"I must stay a fortnight longer," Hark replied. "So runs my witch's spell. It will give me time to tidy up, and untie Krang as well."
They looked around for the old Device, but he was there no longer. "Where has he gone?" cried Saralinda.
"Oh," said Hark, "he knows a lot of places."
"Give him," Saralinda said, "my love, and this." Hark took the rose.
The two white horses snorted snowy mist in the cool green glade that led down to the harbor. A fair wind stood for Yarrow and, looking far to sea, the Princess Saralinda thought she saw, as people often think they see, on clear and windless days, the distant shining shores of Ever After. Your guess is quite as good as mine (there are a lot of things that shine) but I have always thought she did, and I will always think so.
A fortnight later, the Duke was gloating over his jewels in the oak room when they suddenly turned to tears, with a little sound like sighing. The fringes of his glowing gloves were stained with Hagga's laughter. He staggered to his feet and drew his sword, and shouted "Whisper!" In the courtyard of the castle six startled geese stopped hunting snails and looked up at the oak room.
"What slish is this?" exclaimed the Duke, disgusted by the pool of melted gems leering on the table. His monocle fell, and he slashed his sword at silence and at nothing. Something moved across the room, like monkeys and like shadows. The torches on the walls went out, the two clocks stopped, and the room grew colder. There was a smell of old, unopened rooms and the sound of rabbits screaming.
"Come on, you blob of glup," the cold Duke roared. "You may frighten octopi to death, you gibbous spawn of hate and thunder, but not the Duke of Coffin Castle!" He sneered. "Now that my precious gems have turned to thlup, living on, alone and cold, is not my fondest wish! On guard, you musty sofa!"
The Todal gleeped. There was a stifled shriek and silence.
When Hark came into the room, holding a lighted lantern above his head, there was no one there. The Duke's sword lay gleaming on the floor, and from the table dripped the jewels of Hagga's laughter, that never last forever, like the jewels of sorrow, but turn again to tears a fortnight after. Hark stepped on something that squutched beneath his foot and flobbed against the wall. He picked it up. It was the small black ball stamped with scarlet owls
The last Spy of the Duke of Coffin Castle, alone and lonely in the gloomy room, though he heard, from somewhere far away, the sound of someone laughing.
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