Friday, 22 March 2013

Funny Old World

Important Notice: in case it is not patently obvious, this is a tongue in cheek and light hearted satirical piece.
People who are eligible to eat in Jersey are being urged to check they are on the electoral register before a referendum menu is launched next month. Islanders will be asked to give their views on how to reform Jersey's national dishes.
The referendum menu will have three options covering the number of different foods and the quantity available to eat. Quality is not assured.
The menu is a set menu, with three choices of main course. It was devised by the Electoral Gourmet Commission, after consultation with well-known chefs everywhere on the right wording. "We have decided to have the menu in English," said the Chairman, Sir Philip Bailhache, "even though the official language of menus is French". And he explains that the Commission cogitated, deliberated and digested lots of submissions.
The Greffier of the States, Michael de la Haye, said it was important to get a good turn out. "This could be one of the most significant meals served up for 60 years", he said.
The choices include two options for change and one to maintain the status quo.
Option A will see 42 Ormers cooked in six large stewing pots, in a communal kitchen. They will be left to simmer away gently until they are softened up. There are concerns that so many might mean some Ormers will be rather rubbery, with the consistency of shoe leather, while some might just come to pieces. It is rumoured that Trevor Pitman will do his Brian Blessed impersonation and shout when everything has been well and truly stewed.
Arguments for: The Gastronomic Deficit. People in St Helier don't usually get as much food as in the country parishes. "For years they've been rationed, ever since 1940", said Reformed Diet supporter Sam Mezec, "and now it is time to give them more food. It will all be the same. Why should some people enjoy a hotpot while others have to make do with cheese and crackers? Democracy means crackers for everyone alike."
Option B will have 30 Ormers cooked in six large stewing pots at the Communal kitchens, but Parishioners will also be able to enjoy 12 traditional Jersey Bean Crocks at each Parish Hall. Former Senator Terry le Main is fully supportive of old crocks, and will be lending his weight to this.
Arguments for: Jersey Bean Crock is a nourishing traditional dish, and the secret recipe is only known to the Parishes. A tradition will be lost if it goes. "We can't live exclusively on a diet of Ormers", said spokesman Ben Shenton. "Bean crock is nourishing, and is both meaty and full of beans. It touches the taste buds."
Option C will maintain the status quo of eight Jersey Wonders, 29 Stewed Ormers and 12 Jersey Bean Crocks. Spokesman for this group, Senator Lyndon Farnham says that the general public all like the taste of Jersey Wonders, and a diet of stewed Ormers would be very boring.
Arguments for: Variety is the spice of life. Something for everyone, even vegetarians. Some newer Jersey Wonders are gluten free. "The public like Jersey Wonders.  They are all well baked on the same night," said Lyndon Farnham.
Deputy Jeremy Macon wants the States to decide whether the meal should go ahead if not enough people turn up. "There'll be a lot of wasted food if only 10% turn up", he said.
But Deputy Montfort Tadier disagrees: "It would be a missed opportunity if the menu was rejected because only 35% of the electorate turned up to sample the culinary delights of Ormers", he said, "and they will also be entertained by my singing in Jerriais a mournful protest song about a fisherman who falls in love with an Mermaid until an Ormer muscles in on their rather fishy affair."
Some people just don't like any of the options. Blogger Rico Sorda says "It has been rushed, and it is a mess. I'd like a full English breakfast, but there is no provision for that. I don't know if I'll bother to turn out. I may stay at home and cook for myself. What is on offer looks pretty indigestible."
Also in the news:
"Masterchef the Movie". Senator Alan MacLean confirms that £300,000 has been given to the late Alfred Hitchcock to make a movie of the Referendum. The working title of the film is "The 39 Soups", and it will be a romance, "strictly for the Birds", according to Mr Hitchcock. 
"Night of the Living Wage". Deputy Geoff Southern fails in his bid to make a movie about working people who have to take on extra night shifts. Several States members and former States members were lined up as extras to bulk out the zombies required for the movie.
"The Taxman Rings Twice". A film written by George Osborne which needs to raise £1 billion to be made. At the moment, its just a dream, and may never be made at that price. Richard Murphy dons a spandex costume to take on the villains as the Avenging Accountant of the Tax Justice League.
Breaking News last night:
Siren in St Helier a false alarm? The siren which resounded over St Helier for more than half an hour this evening is believed to have been a false alarm. For around two hours, residents could hear the strains of "Beautiful Jersey" booming across from La Collette in the dulcet tones of Constable Sadie Rennard. It turns out that it was a software glitch on her karaoke machine, piped by gigabyte broadband to loud speakers at La Collette.

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