Sunday, 4 May 2014

Dotty Defnitions

Some amusing religious definitions from the Church of England Magazine in Jersey - "The Pilot" of 1985.
The one about "peculiar" is rather prophetic!


From. the "Church-English" Dictionary

BEARD: a useful sign (among the ordained) to the congregation which says "I see myself as an Old Testament. prophet."

PECULIAR:  A place exempt from the jurisdiction of the bishop of the diocese in which it is situated, e.g. Jersey

If however it is only partially exempt, it is only "a bit peculiar"

ORIGINAL SIN: It is extremely hard these days to commit sins with any degree of originality. But that doesn't stop us trying.

JOYFUL NOISE: The sound of musicians who can't play; or the sound of the church organ beginning the last verse of the last hymn at Sunday service

COUNSELLOR: Mmmmmmm. Pronounced "Mmmmmmm" (from the Hebrew "Hmmmmmm")_

MITRE: An enormous gold crown-like creation worn by a bishop to indicate deep humility.

VERGER: One who looks after church cleaning, day-to-day running (its a bit of a duff job and not very well paid so often given to someone on the verge of the grave).

TITHE: Conclusive proof that.the average churchgoer earns around £10 a week.

STIPEND: Denotes something small, inadequate. First used to describe clergy pay in 1753 and the name has stuck.

(From the Latin "Stipius Pendere" - you cannot be serious!).

HOLY: In communion with God.

HUMBLE: In right relationship with your neighbour.

HUMAN: Someone who finds "humble" and "Holy" difficult.

GARGOYLE: Sound emanating from choir vestry before any sung service-

NICENE CREED: The only 4th century invention we are still using.

1 comment:

James said...

From the 2014 supplement:

NEW WINE: "Why do we have to have service books?"

OLD WHINE: "Why can't we have BCP Mattins back?"

KESWICK: how you feel after an excess of Bible teaching.