Funny Old World 2

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is a pity.

Special Christmas Note: there is no pantomime with a cast of States members as listed, although the Jersey Green Room club are doing Beauty and the Beast, which I am sure will be an excellent production.

It is official - there is a lot of hot air escaping from Jersey's States! A new infrared website map shows which properties in the island are the best and worst insulated. The Jersey Heat Loss map allows you to look up your house and see how much heat it is giving off. Among the worst offenders is the States Chambers building.

Deputy Rob Duhamel, the Environmental Minister said "The plane made two passes over the Island with the infra-red scanner, and on one run, the States Chamber stood out as orange, giving off a substantial level of heat. We discounted the second scan, which showed the States Chamber as red, giving off the most hot air, as we later checked and realised there was a States sitting."

Environmental campaigner, Dr Mark Forskitt said, "The photography was all taken when the old States was in residence. It will be interesting to go back in a year or so, to see if the new Chamber is still generating as much hot air, or whether there is a climate of change."

THE price of air travel to and from Jersey is to increase next year. The current Jersey Airport passenger charge is £4.78 for a one-way ticket and £9.56 for a return flight. This will go up on 25 March by 19 pence. At the same time, security charges will also be increased by 13p per leg. This move means that people with 2 legs will be charged 26p. It is unclear what these charges may amount to for below the knee amputees who only have half a leg or anyone on crutches who technically may have up to three.

QUEEN'S Valley Reservoir could be closed to the public if people continue to ignore warnings to keep off the deep mud, according to Jersey Water. Security guards have begun patrolling the reservoir to stop people from climbing down onto the muddy reservoir floor. Howard Snowden, of Jersey Water, says, "We also have reports of dogs in the mud, and rumours of one sinister dog creeping along a safe passage through the mire in the dead of night, and howling at the moon." It is now understood that local security guard manager, Mr S. Holmes, and his sidekick, Dr J. Watson, of have said they will deploy enough guards to catch the Hound of Queen's Valley.

Saturday saw an 'immense rise' in St Helier shoppers over last year. Cameras to monitor people shopping in King Street were installed about three years ago. Since then cameras were installed in Beresford Street and Conway Street.

Town centre manager Richard Mackenzie said it was an "immense increase", and that shoppers did seem to have put on weight over last year, but he also noted that the snowy conditions last year meant many had to stay home and lose weight as they couldn't get to the shops to buy food.

A branch of Liberal Democrats Abroad is to be set up in Jersey by a group of local residents including two former senatorial candidates. A member of the branch, Ed Le Quesne, said "The Jersey branch will be set up in the Town Park, and painted with the Liberal democrat colours. It should arrive by Christmas, in which case the branch - which will be ten feet long, and made of English oak - can be decorated with electric lights."

News reaches us that the Jersey customs are linking up with France to try to reduce smuggling cases. Ian le Marquand, the Home Affairs Minister said "It took us a while before we realised that there was a highly lucrative and profitable trade smuggling high quality suitcases over to Jersey, under the very noses of the custom's officials." In future suitcases may have to be opened at borders to demonstrate that they are full, and not empty cases just being taken into the Island. "This will be an open and shut case," said Senator Le Marquand.

And finally, December is upon us and that means islanders can really begin to get into the spirit of Christmas. While the shops are bracing themselves for a festive rush, theatres across the Bailiwicks are also hoping to pull in the crowds.

Pantomime: Beauty and the Beastly Financial Crisis

Cast
Deputy Carolyn Labey - Belle (Beauty)
Senator Ian Gorst - Prince Charming
Senator Ian Le Marquand - Mr Bean
Senator Sarah Ferguson - Widow Twanky
Senator Philip Ozouf - A Sorcerer
Senator Alan Maclean - The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Deputy Rob Duhamel - a bearded birdwatcher [Bill Oddie look-a-like]
Deputy Montfort Tadier - Citizen Media
Deputy Trevor Pitman, Deputy Shona Pitman - the Chorus
Deputy Geoff Southern - A southern gentleman

Backstage Scenery:
Senator Philip Bailhache - provision of an art gallery
Deputy Roy Le Hérissier - provision of a fence
Deputy Andrew Green - provision of a green

Music: Sadie Renard accompanied by the Lyndon Farnham Quartet