Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.
Jersey assistant chief minister, Senator Sir Philip Bailhache, will meet Guernsey chief minister Deputy Lyndon Trott. Issues for discussion include international taxation, the Commonwealth and the European Union. "Our islands work well together, as... established earlier this year in the dispute over fishing limits," Senator Bailhache said.
A press briefing announced that: "It is important that politicians from Jersey and Guernsey continue to maintain a positive dialogue, and provide a lot of good photogenic news stories to hide the fact that they ignore each other when settling fishing limits or taking separate court cases to England about low consignment tax relief, and we look forward to each playing our own part in that relationship."
Meanwhile, Sir Philip sees the main problem ahead as being the Island's dealings with Brussels. "All kinds of law sprouts from Brussels, and we need a common agricultural policy to deal with it", he said.
News reaches us that Ministers are taking the UK government to court to save the threatened online mail order industry and protect up to 2,000 Island jobs. Up to 1,000 packers and sorters jobs could be saved as well as 1,000 lawyers and legal advisors who with this guarantee of work are ensured a bright start to 2012 and little fear of job losses. Twin legal challenges from Jersey and Guernsey would be made and that the Jersey's Economics Development Minister has written to the UK Treasury to inform them of the move, enclosing a Christmas Card together with a Play.com voucher.
There's good news for those of us who enjoy a walk in the park - or a green space in this case. Reg's Garden - the popular island attraction - won't close in 2013 as planned but instead parts will be allowed to grow wild, including Reg. "I will be the wild man of the wild garden," said Reg, "and I won't be serving cups of tea, but instead jumping out of the undergrowth to surprise visitors with wild bushy beard and a Tarzan style yodel."
'One of our biggest and earliest ever TV campaigns'. That is how Jersey Tourism is describing its 2012 advert, which will hit our screens on Boxing Day. Marketing Manager Simon Le Huray told Channel 103 that's to draw in people thinking about where to holiday in 2012. He says from about 4pm on Christmas Day, they noticed internet searches for holiday rocket.
'We want to put Jersey there so that when people do start thinking about where they are going to go the place they type into their search engine "holiday rocket" and get Jersey.' Getting to the Island by rocket will be faster than boat or conventional aircraft. It is thought that Richard Curtis has been involved in the promotional film, entitled, "The Island that rocketed". The film will also promote fresh Jersey produce, rocket salads specially grown as a film tie-in.
The 'Meet the locals' advert features tour guide Neil Armstrong, artist Buzz Aldrin and Oyster Farmer Michael Collins alongside singer Yuri Gagarin. It is estimated between seven and eight million people will see the advert.
Heritage pay £11,000 to return ancient ring. A Neolithic stone ring will be returned to the Island after Jersey Heritage paid more than £11,000 for it at an auction in America. Former Chief Minister Terry Le Sueur is said to be delighted that an object he well remembers as a boy will once again be displayed in its rightful home.
And finally, one of the worlds largest mega yachts is paying Jersey a visit today. Vibrant Curiosity pulled into the islands port earlier this afternoon. She is owned by billionaire Anne Summers and is larger than the Condor Vitesse. Summers is number 93 on The Forbes rich list and has made her money manufacturing screws. It can sleep 18 guests and 26 crew very comfortably.
Lé Thée - Lé thée est eune sîmpl'ye bouaisson grée atout dé ieau bouoillante et des fielles stchies. Y'a un tas d'difféthents thées grées atout des difféthentes hèr...
39 minutes ago