Funny Old World 6

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

Jersey police officers having to deal with a worrying number of agitated suspects armed with knives should be equipped with phasers, according to the police chief.  Mr Bowron said: 'I am pretty confident that we will get there. It has been a long trek. They've had phasers on Star Trek since the 1960s, and no one has complained. We must be enterprising." It is understood that some of the increase in incidents has been due to recent immigrants to Jersey, most notably the Klingons.

Finance news - a Jersey company has become the parent of another giant Russian metals business to list on the London stock exchange to list on the main market of the London Stock Exchange. Vladimir Putin International plc is the Jersey holding company created as part of the listing process for Russia's largest silver producer on the FTSE 100. Corporate partner Karl Marx said: 'It is highly encouraging that major Russian companies are comfortable using Jersey for listing in London."

Tidal energy could be used to power homes in Jersey, Guernsey and Sark in the next 20 years. If successful, it will pave the way for the world's largest tidal energy station, capable of powering up to 4,000 light bulbs. Chris Ambler, the head of Jersey Electricity, said "We've noticed how people at Christmas swims come out of the water shivering, and a brisk rub down with a towel heats them up. Imagine that on an Islandwide scale." However, he said that it was too expensive at the moment, because of the need for special micro-fibre towels to generate the heat required.

Jersey politician, Constable Dan Murphy, chairs the Tidal Towel Power Commission and said the islands would co-operate to harness the power of the sea. He said: "It will hopefully save us quite a lot of money and speed us up a bit because if we're doing something and Guernsey are doing the same thing it's absolutely pointless, we're wasting money. Together, we can bulk buy the towels needed to generate the heat which can be turned into electricity and make savings."
 
Jersey fishermen hope the results of a study into lobster stocks will help conservation efforts. A French marine biologist will give the findings from the first two years of work into the migration and growth rates of the lobsters around Jersey. The old laws on lobsters have changed recently. Previously immigrant lobsters had to swim around Jersey waters for six years before they would get qualifications to take up residence in their own lobster pot, but now they will be part of the new work permit scheme, which is designed to keep out French, Polish, and Irish lobsters so that only accredited Jersey lobsters will end up visiting the local Seafood festival.

There are plans for an international beach polo event in Jersey. The States is being asked to relax the rules on horses on the island's beach to allow it to go ahead. The economic development minister, Senator Alan Maclean, says that  "A polo event could make a mint for the Island."  The States of Jersey will debate whether to allow the rules to be relaxed at the sitting on 31 January 2012. Odds on whether "a major horse event" will be passed by the States are currently running at 3:2 with Alan Maclean the top favourite to win his proposition.

A cavalcade of old cars took to Jersey's roads for the traditional Boxing Day Jersey Old Motor Club 12 Churches Cavalcade. In all a line up of 93 vehicles - representing the best efforts of manufacturers from 1904 to 1950 - toured the island. For passers-by there was a chance to see some amazing living history with as Terry Le Main chugged passed in a vintage second hand car, and Terry Le Sueur went by on a 1934 Merryweather Fire Engine. A spokesman said "He was in regular service up until 2011, and was fully restored ten years ago."

Revealing controversial golden handshake payments to departing States employees would be 'an unwarranted invasion of their privacy', according to the Chief Minister's department. They have refused to reveal details of pay-outs, which have been rumoured to reach £500,000. "These people may have taken the Island for a ride, but it is all legal and above board", said the Department, "and we want to start the new year with a clean slate." It is understood the slate had the salaries and payoffs written in chalk until it was wiped out shortly after the October elections.

And finally, a 29-year-old man from Madeira has been remanded on bail in connection with a break in at a Jersey shop. He is accused of theft from the Owl and Pussycat shop in St Helier, in the early hours of Boxing Day. Items reported stolen were a beautiful pea green boat, some honey, and plenty of money wrapped up in a £5 note.