Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.
New study shows endangered birds in Jersey. The birds in danger of dying out in Jersey are the subject of a new study. For the first time a study has assessed the threat each breed faces. Species including the suntanned bikini wearing holiday maker and swim-suited Parish candidates for Miss Battle, both of whom are in real danger of extinction in Jersey and it is hoped this project will reverse their decline.
Jersey's White House will be painted white again before Christmas. The building, Le Jackie Hilton, on the St Ouen seafront was controversially painted green at the beginning of the year. It was re-elected to the States in October this year.
Jersey's census shows the population is up to 97,857. People were asked to base all census answers on who was in their household on 27 March. Jersey's population has grown by nearly 10,000 in the last decade and is now 97,857 according to the 2011 census.
Chief Minister Senator Ian Gorst said he was cautious about trying to read too much into the figures at this stage. He said: "There are many reasons why people come to our community not least of which might be retired people with Jersey qualifications moving back to Jersey because of what's happening in the economy elsewhere around the world. Or there might be Nazi war criminals deciding to relocate from South America, or people like Lord Lucan seeking a quiet hideaway".
And Jersey is hauling itself into the 21st Century with the appointment of its first female rector; Reverend Gerry Baudains was officially appointed head of St Martin's Parish Church at a special service. Afterwards she said, "The congregation may not notice such a change, as a lot of the more elderly rectors often have come across like a bunch of old women."
After years of being covered up, the scaffolding around St James' Church in Jersey could finally be coming down. The plan is for renovation work to be completed next year. Keeping the scaffolding on has cost the States tens of thousands of pounds. Now the States are promising the scaffolding will come down next year, but not every politician is convinced. Deputy Trevor Pitman said, "The scaffolding has been on for ages, and I'm almost certain that it was there when the church was given the status of Grade II listed building. Under the Planning (Listing Building Amendment) No 34, also popularly known as the Cohen clause, this means that any scaffolding attached at the time is regarded as a fixture and also given the same status."
And finally, sales on Jersey's Highstreet are down 5% on last year. Shoppers could be waiting for the big price slashing to start on the high street, which is expected to come just before Christmas. One shop you are sure to get some true bargains is at a special vintage political charity shop which is opening tomorrow for two weeks.
Items on sale include:
A Penny Whistle
Ozouf's Salts (guaranteed to remove blockages)
A phonograph record of Terry Le Main snoring
A historic ring binder which can park on your desk (one not too careful owner)
An Enigma Machine (courtesy of the Planning Department)
The Sad and Dreadful Saga of the Nurse's Pay by Jo March (a Victorian penny dreadful)
An unwanted old Jersey bean crock (courtesy of the former Chief Minister)
The Wimberley Manuscripts (fifty bound volumes of 300 pages each, enough for even the most extreme insomniac)
Old States Members (a job lot at bargain prices)
Chief Minister To Seek Re-election. -
18 hours ago