Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.
Chief Minister, Senator Ian Gorst, is proposing to introduce legislation designed to stop vultures from pursuing inequitable payments through Jersey's courts. The decision to propose a new law was taken following a public consultation on the subject, which closed in December 2011.
The proposed legislation would aim to limit practices that would allow vultures to fly in and out of Jersey's courts. Senator Gorst commented: "By bringing forward a law to discourage these vultures from flapping in and out of our courts looking for mice and other small furry mammals, Jersey will be sending a clear and positive message that we are a well-regulated jurisdiction which will not permit trained vultures stealing third world mice from our Courts."
Meanwhile, the new strategy from the Ramsar Management Authority aims to protect Jersey's offshore reefs wildlife. They will affect Ramsar sites at Les Minquiers, Les Ecrehous and Les Dirouilles and the Paternosters. The codes of conduct includes outlawing the use of trained vultures to seek out rabbits and other furry mammals living on the Island.
Discussions are taking place between the States police and their honorary colleagues to use a speed camera to crack down on speeding motorists. This camera photographs the number plates of speeding vehicles. It caused controversy last time because it records every speeding object moving too fast - even vultures flying at just a few miles over the speed limit.
Jersey Post stop priority service from March. Jersey Post said they would be ending the two-tier postal service from March. It introduced a priority and a delayed post at a reduced rate in November 2010. It was decided to shelve the priority post. In future every letter will go by pigeon post rather than eagle express. A spokesman said, "We have concluded that a much fairer system would be for all post will be delayed at the same rate."
The 11th Great Garden Bird Watch takes place this weekend, Saturday 4 and Sunday 5 February. Watch the birds in your garden for any period between 8 am and 11 am on either the Saturday or the Sunday. Note the highest number of each species of bird that you see together at one time during that period. Fill in the form below:
Great Tit (or States Member)
Pigeon (whether or not carrying letters for Jersey Post)
Vulture (with or without funds)
Jersey Enterprise has helped a number of firms move to the island including mining, oil and gas companies. Oil companies were recently looking at the prospect of surface oil spilling out on the ground near Val de La Mare Reservoir. And there are believed to be rich seams yielding natural gas in the vicinity of the States Chamber.
Now Senator Alan Maclean said he wanted to attract more high-tech and online gambling firms. The minister said: "We don't want lots of people, we are an island, what we do want is individuals who will contribute a significant amount in terms of tax take.". It is understood that the well known high-tech gambler, Mr Fred Goodwin, is interested.
There is a new system for GPS on way. Doctors would support a move away from Jersey's system of charging patients for a consultation, according to a representative of the Island's GPS. "With improved satellite technology, the GPS - Global Practitioner System - should be able to locate Doctors who are out playing golf, and a 'blended' system would be best for both patients and doctors, where Medical Surgeries could be set up on the 19th hole".
Jersey's Housing Minister will be asked if there are plans to use some of the thousands of empty homes in the island. The latest census showed there were 3,103 private properties lying empty. The breakdown of ownership is as follows:
1,000 luxury flats which were unwanted Christmas presents from millionaires to their children
1,000 houses falling to bits, which aren't really empty if you are a rat looking for a home
500 houses owned by Windfall Developments Limited
500 houses which are in small back roads in St Ouen, and were lost along with a Manor in the 12th century
101 Safe Houses, held on behalf of MI5 and MI6. Interrogations take place in "House 101"
1 House which is owned by the Borrowers, little people about an inch tall.
1 House which is owned by a consortium of vultures, looking for extra funds.
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