Funny Old World 14

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

Fog continues to seriously disrupt air travel to and from the Island. Today's early flights were cancelled or delayed. Passengers for flights still scheduled to depart were being advised to check in as usual, as this is one of the few occasions when the mega-large airport departures lounge actually becomes useful.

Almost £1 million has been seized from the Jersey bank accounts of a businessman jailed in the UK for allowing drugs to be dealt in his nightclub. Manoucehr Bahmanzadeh is serving a nine-year sentence. He was charged with allowing his premises to be used for the sale of class A drugs and having a name that is almost impossible to pronounce, thereby getting sentences both under the Drug Trafficking Law (2002) and the recently passed Deviant Names Law (2012).

"Van" Morrison is to headline the first Folklore festival this summer. The Northern Irish singer-songwriter and six-time Grammy winner has been confirmed as the top act for Jersey's newest music festival, and will be arriving in the purple and green psychedelic coloured van from which he derives his nickname.

Taxes will not have to increase during the next three years for the States to tackle issues such as unemployment, housing and reforming the health service, the Treasury Minister said yesterday. Instead, there will be increased use of user-pays charges for such as sewage charges, outpatient charges, parking charges, increased housing rentals.

The use of the phrase "stealth tax" is to be banned from use by the Weasel words Act" (2012), which is up for debate in the States on 1st April this year. The Weasel Words Act (2012) which is to be passed by the States this year says that "a user-pays charge is not a tax, even if it looks like an indirect tax", and levies a fine of £200 on anyone using the term "stealth tax".

According to an unconfirmed rumour, a memo from the Treasury Minister's office says "If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it is probably a duck-billed platypus instead. And no one thinks a duck-billed platypus is a 'stealth duck'. So there!"

Houses fell by an average of one per cent last year, according to figures out today. Data from the Statistics Unit showed that the last three months of 2011 also saw a two per cent drop on the previous quarter. A spokesman said that too many houses were being built on land which could not take the weight, and parts of the Island, especially in St Helier, were gradually sinking.

Downturn fails to stem hunger for mergers and acquisitions. The turbulent economic climate is not diminishing the strong appetite for mergers and acquisitions in the Island's finance sector. Ashley Paxo, head of advisory for KPMG in the Channel Islands, said that demand was as strong as ever. "There are still a lot of people trying to get on the gravy train where mergers are concerned" said Mr Paxo.

The latest event is the merger of a an independent television production company and a building society. The result will be a series of adverts to be broadcast later this hear entitled "Downturn Abbey".

"Downturn Abbey" will be on TV screens later this year. The cast may include the following:

Ian Gorst - Lord Hopeworth
Sir Philip Bailhache - The Right Honourable Robert Crawley, Foreign Secretary
Anne Pryke - Florence Nightingale, known as the Lady of the Limp (in charge of health reforms)
Frank Walker - Earl of Shaftsbury, retired
Stuart Syvret - Matthew Crawley, Third cousin, once removed (to prison)
Sarah Ferguson - Housekeeper (keeping watchful eye on finances)
Philip Ozouf - Duke of Crowalot
Rob Duhamel - John Logie Beardie, Farmer and Environmentalist on the Estate
Ian Le Marquand - Mr George Murkie, Lord Hopeworth's Lawyer
Alan Maclean - Footman, promoted to Lord Hopeworth's Valet
James Reed - Wounded officer, retired from active duty