Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.
There has been a rise in complaints about Jersey Police. There was a rise in the number of objections to the excessive use of punk, reggae, and jazz which the public are forced to watch. "It's harassment and abuse of authority." said Pierre La Cloche from St Saviours, who was himself involved in a tribute band, "The Honorary Police" until recently
The States' old-age pension pot will be drained within 30 years, according to a new report by the UK government's pension experts. The actuary's report said that part of the problem was that more and more people were living longer, and gobbling down the Jersey Pension bean crock. Jersey is not the only jurisdiction having trouble with a pension pot. Apparently, with mounting debt and the euro crisis, the Republic of Ireland is getting into a bit of an Irish stew over it.
New rule to encourage repatriation of pensioners. Foreign pensioners will be given free Irish stew under planned new rules aimed to encourage them to apply to transfer back home. With a Pensioner Repatriation Law expected to receive Privy Council assent this month, Home Affairs Minister Ian Le Marquand wants to change the rules so that pensioners eating into Jersey's pension pot can be sent back to the jurisdictions in which they were born.
A new sewage plant could cost as much as four times the estimate provided by the Transport department, the Environment Minister has warned. Deputy Rob Duhamel said that "'We need the best available technology to deal with our liquid waste, rather than getting rid of the existing type of plant and replacing it with old-fashioned technology". The original Sewage plant cost Six Million Dollars, and was constructed under the management of engineer B. Day of Boggs and Co, who was nicknamed the Six Million Dollar Sewage Plant Man."
Deputy Duhamel said that "The Six Million Dollar Sewage Plant may have been state of the art in the 1970s, when it was constructed, but today we are looking at a Two Hundred And Fifty Million Dollar Sewage Plant. Gentlemen, we have the technology. We can rebuild it.". However, critics have pooh poohed his idea, and said it would be a waste, even if tax critics from ATTAC say it could be paid for by recycling slush funds.
A number of Iron Age coins including some thought to be Roman have been found in a field in Jersey by two men using metal detectors. Mr A. Digger and Mr D. Tector started searching for the coins 30 years ago.
The 60 silver and one gold coin are thought to have come from a small village around 50 BC where one Gaulish tribe was still resisting Julius Caesar's conquest of Gaul. The coins bear the head of the Gaulish Chief Vitalstatistix, and on the reverse a druid's face is visible with a cauldron of potion. It is thought they may relate to a manuscript lost in the dark ages, which was entitled "Asterix in the Channel islands".
MoT-style vehicle safety tests are likely to be introduced in Jersey in the next few years. Jersey's Transport and Technical Services Minister said the pressure to change the rules would come from outside the island. He said that change was likely to come in the future: "As things stand, you could go to the UK with a complete wreck and cause an accident. Or you could leave your mother in law behind and take your car instead."
The States' old-age pension pot will be drained within 30 years, according to a new report by the UK government's pension experts. The actuary's report said that part of the problem was that more and more people were living longer, and gobbling down the Jersey Pension bean crock. Jersey is not the only jurisdiction having trouble with a pension pot. Apparently, with mounting debt and the euro crisis, the Republic of Ireland is getting into a bit of an Irish stew over it.
New rule to encourage repatriation of pensioners. Foreign pensioners will be given free Irish stew under planned new rules aimed to encourage them to apply to transfer back home. With a Pensioner Repatriation Law expected to receive Privy Council assent this month, Home Affairs Minister Ian Le Marquand wants to change the rules so that pensioners eating into Jersey's pension pot can be sent back to the jurisdictions in which they were born.
A new sewage plant could cost as much as four times the estimate provided by the Transport department, the Environment Minister has warned. Deputy Rob Duhamel said that "'We need the best available technology to deal with our liquid waste, rather than getting rid of the existing type of plant and replacing it with old-fashioned technology". The original Sewage plant cost Six Million Dollars, and was constructed under the management of engineer B. Day of Boggs and Co, who was nicknamed the Six Million Dollar Sewage Plant Man."
Deputy Duhamel said that "The Six Million Dollar Sewage Plant may have been state of the art in the 1970s, when it was constructed, but today we are looking at a Two Hundred And Fifty Million Dollar Sewage Plant. Gentlemen, we have the technology. We can rebuild it.". However, critics have pooh poohed his idea, and said it would be a waste, even if tax critics from ATTAC say it could be paid for by recycling slush funds.
A number of Iron Age coins including some thought to be Roman have been found in a field in Jersey by two men using metal detectors. Mr A. Digger and Mr D. Tector started searching for the coins 30 years ago.
The 60 silver and one gold coin are thought to have come from a small village around 50 BC where one Gaulish tribe was still resisting Julius Caesar's conquest of Gaul. The coins bear the head of the Gaulish Chief Vitalstatistix, and on the reverse a druid's face is visible with a cauldron of potion. It is thought they may relate to a manuscript lost in the dark ages, which was entitled "Asterix in the Channel islands".
MoT-style vehicle safety tests are likely to be introduced in Jersey in the next few years. Jersey's Transport and Technical Services Minister said the pressure to change the rules would come from outside the island. He said that change was likely to come in the future: "As things stand, you could go to the UK with a complete wreck and cause an accident. Or you could leave your mother in law behind and take your car instead."
MoT or Mother in law Testing was pioneered in the UK by Les Dawson.
The National Trust for Jersey is against plans to develop a house at Petit Port in St Brelade into apartments, claiming it would affect views on all sides. But the architect said he did not think it would spoil the area at all. He said: "I believe it will be a big improvement, the existing buildings on the site are by no means great pieces of architecture, so anything will be an improvement, and this will certainly be a whole lot bigger!"
The Dean of Jersey will represent the Channel Islands at a meeting of the Church of England's ruling body this week to discuss plans to introduce women bishops. Those with more "traditional views" in Jersey believe that the Bible "dictates" that women should not hold such power and question whether a woman should be allowed to ordain male bishops and priests. They've got a new hymn, specially written to voice their protest and hold up "traditional views" on women:
Onward, Women Bishops, let's open up the door
Not in backwater Jersey, the status as before
The water is too cold, for dipping in the toe
Once more, vote against, once more banning go
At the sign of triumph, some clergy will flee
Jersey holding out now, against a victory
Lovely little backwater, all set in our ways
Brothers, lift your voices, loud your protests raise.
Like a mighty tortoise moves the church of God;
Marching different ways, step on toes they trod
We are all divided, all one conflict we,
And if it is passed, some of us will flee
Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
But change in Jersey, comes slowly, more in vain
Women bishops here will surely not prevail
We have our Clergy's promise, and that cannot fail.
Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng,
Women bishops, whatever next, bikinis and a thong?
Women just for marriage, for putting on the ring
This through countless ages men and bigots sing.
The National Trust for Jersey is against plans to develop a house at Petit Port in St Brelade into apartments, claiming it would affect views on all sides. But the architect said he did not think it would spoil the area at all. He said: "I believe it will be a big improvement, the existing buildings on the site are by no means great pieces of architecture, so anything will be an improvement, and this will certainly be a whole lot bigger!"
The Dean of Jersey will represent the Channel Islands at a meeting of the Church of England's ruling body this week to discuss plans to introduce women bishops. Those with more "traditional views" in Jersey believe that the Bible "dictates" that women should not hold such power and question whether a woman should be allowed to ordain male bishops and priests. They've got a new hymn, specially written to voice their protest and hold up "traditional views" on women:
Onward, Women Bishops, let's open up the door
Not in backwater Jersey, the status as before
The water is too cold, for dipping in the toe
Once more, vote against, once more banning go
At the sign of triumph, some clergy will flee
Jersey holding out now, against a victory
Lovely little backwater, all set in our ways
Brothers, lift your voices, loud your protests raise.
Like a mighty tortoise moves the church of God;
Marching different ways, step on toes they trod
We are all divided, all one conflict we,
And if it is passed, some of us will flee
Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,
But change in Jersey, comes slowly, more in vain
Women bishops here will surely not prevail
We have our Clergy's promise, and that cannot fail.
Onward then, ye people, join our happy throng,
Women bishops, whatever next, bikinis and a thong?
Women just for marriage, for putting on the ring
This through countless ages men and bigots sing.
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4 comments:
Your comments about the state of the church in Jersey are way too near the knuckle to be a laughing matter.
What concerns me not a little is that what I still regards as being the Church of England is in fact no such thing: the church here has its own Canon Law and the only thing that ties it to Winchester is the personal loyalty of the Dean to the Bishop. Take that away and we stand alone. Or take that away and we could equally become mother church to all the disaffected people who don't want women bishops...
Jersey does come under the jurisdiction of the Church of England, but as a "Peculiar". Our Dean is in fact a "Dean of the Peculiar". Of course the word originally meant different rather than strange.
The only other "peculiar" in the CofE that I've come across is the Rev Christopher Syn of Dymchurch, where the living was a peculiar.
Two things: it's a PeculiEr, not a PeculiAr.
And the reason that the well known beer made by Theakston's is called by that name is that Masham in North Yorkshire is also a Peculier.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dean%20of%20a%20peculiar
Definition of DEAN OF A PECULIAR
: a titular dean of the Church of England either without peculiar jurisdiction (as the dean of the Chapels Royal) or with jurisdiction but without a chapter
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