Friday, 9 September 2011

The Great Election Egg Race

And the Great Election Egg Race is off. Professor Heinz Ketchup, commenting on this, said "Some of the candidates may seem a little cracked, but you can't make an omelets without breaking eggs. But some may end up with egg on their faces."

Here is a round up of a few of the candidates, and what the voters say about them. Apologies for Facebook readers, who may have seen some of these before.

Ian Ghost is standing for Senator. The 683 year old ghost, originally a monk in St Clement's priory before the Reformation, says "I feel quietly confident, although I won't be in high spirits until I win." Policy decisions include helping ghosts to be able to stay and haunt their old homes, rather than having to move to an Old Ghost's Home." Will Ian win? Is he in with the Ghost of a chance?

A voter says: If I'm going to vote for a ghost I have to be sure he supports transparency!

Sir Philip Spinach is standing for Senator. Now retired from a Courtly Garden, where he sat in a raised border high above the turnips below, Sir Philip thinks he has got what it takes: "We need an independent vegetable like me in the States," he said, "and not some miserable weed." Whether this seed will fall on stony ground remains to be seen.

A voter says: Will he harvest enough votes?

Senator Freddie Flintstone is standing for re-election. Freddie is well know for his attempts to bring architecture into the new stone age, with seven story megaliths and world class dolmens, and has plans for lots of earth banks at the waterfront, where business people can stash Armorican coins. Freddie is also well known for learning foreign languages, although no one has yet worked out what "yabba-daba-dooh" means.

A voter says: it'll be a rocky road to travel

Another voter says: He's a chip off the old block...

Another voter says: Stone the crows! He must have rocks in his head to think that will work.

Former lumberjack Stuart Crockett is seeking re-election. Stuart is well known for his logging activities on the wild internet frontier, and the incident at the Battle of the Alamo when seven Mexican policeman broke into his home early one morning and arrested him. He is a celebrated local folk hero, frontiersman, politician, who usually has an axe to grind and wants to cut out the dead rotten wood from the government benches. But will he pine away if he's not elected?

A voter says: He'll be cut down in his prime. He's from a splinter group, anyway. That's the old saw I heard, anyway.

Another voter says: Wooden he be good? Does he speak treeson or truth and are you advocating we take a leaf out of his book or should we lumber away? But there again he may just be the root and branch we need

Lyndon B Johnson is standing for Senator, having previously been in the States as a Deputy. "I'm running a presidential style of campaign, and going for high office", he said. "We need to bring back commonsense to politics, and that means me. Truly, we can have a Great Society. And I'll fight to achieve that, having been a Vice-President for the Economic Development Committee and supporting gambling, my only vice." But what are the odds on him getting in?

A voter says: Even

Linda Trouser-Press is standing for Senator. Linda says she is strongly motivated to iron out all the wrinkles in the States, and wrinklies as well. Dressed in satin chrome with white finishes, her campaign will heat up slowly, as she gets rid of any creases in her manifesto. "I'm free standing, I hope to trouser the vote for the disgruntled. If elected, I will press the Council of Ministers very hard." Will Linda be elected? If so, look out for her high gloss black front panel and sleek lines.

A voter says: It's in the pocket!

Senator Francis of Assisi is standing for re-election. Francis is best known for his work in helping those people who have been unfortunate enough to live in unholy poverty. He has also on occasion tamed the Treasury wolf of Ozofo, which prowls around seeking to gnaw at public expenses. It is thought that Francis will be very popular with the female vote; as one chronicler put it "I've seen him tame the birds, who eat out of his hand." ? Can the friar cook up an election victory?

A voter says: let's get in the habit of voting for him!

Dr Mark Fourcandles is standing for election as Senator. "It's time for a climate of change", he said, adding that if we continued to rely on fossil fuels, we would soon be in the dark. "Watts that mean? Back to candlepower!", he says. A well known digger for the truth, Dr Forkhandles says he means to uproot any weeds in the States, including James Weed, the Education Minister. Will he get elected? One thing is for sure, the election is warming up!

A voter says: will there be any resistance to his campaign? Will he conduct himself properly? And how is his personality negative or positive?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have you got any o's.....

Apologies to Mr Barker.