Funny Old World 4

Health Warning: what follows is not news, any more than the middle section of Private Eye is news, or The Impressionist is news, or Spitting Image was news. It is a light hearted spin on the real news, which can be found on genuine news sites, such as BBC Jersey. Other news sites are available. This is not one of them. None of the individuals mentioned have ever said anything quite like the words attributed to them. Which is perhaps a pity.

The States have released more information from the census and it shows that 50% of the people living in Jersey were born there. The other half is made up of British people, but also 7% from Portugal or Madeira, 3% from Poland, and the rest from elsewhere. This makes a total population of around 110%, according to States statistician Duncan Gibault. "People say the figures don't add up," he said, "but the census is a headcount, and it proves that some people have two heads".

Environmental campaigner Dr Mark Forskitt warned that the situation could only get worse. "We've heard rumours of radiation leaks from nearby Cap de La Hague causing mutations, especially in St Ouen," he said, "and here is the proof in official figures of two headed people living in Jersey, and possibly some politicians with two faces as well."

A States survey on speed limits was 'seriously flawed' and the results extremely misleading, a Scrutiny report has revealed. The methodology and interpretation of the survey was wrong and the results were 'wholly unrepresentative', the Environment Scrutiny panel found. The survey came to the following conclusions:

- There should be special election limits of 75 mph for speeding prospective candidates on motor bikes.
- Hedley Le Maistre would like his tractor to be able to go at 25 mph along the Five Mile Road
- Green lanes of 15 mph were very slow, and should have more signs warning the public like "slow moving heavy plant ahead". In future, bushes and shrubs should have to grow at a reasonable speed.
- People speed a lot in cars. Sometimes they crash. Jeremy Clarkson is probably to blame.

The Prince of Whales is to visit Jersey next year as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations, Buckingham Palace has announced. Following the protests this year outside the Hotel de France, Prince Charles, a keen environmentalist, is looking to further the cause of Whales in the Channel Islands. He may also speak to a slow moving heavy plant along the Green lanes.

The White House - was painted green in January as part of the National Trust for Jersey's efforts to promote environmental sustainability. This tactic has been also successfully deployed by several States departments in 2011 to demonstrate their commitment to environmental matters.

Earlier in the year the sea around La Collette was temporarily stained green and Andrew Green became Minister for Education also on a temporary basis. A building on Green Street having become a red herring has been repainted in 'Lime Grove', a shade that the Treasury Minister is thought not to be keen on. However the former green shade of the airport which became more prominently sandy this year will be getting a completely new colour scheme - but what that might be remains undecided at the present time. A spokesman for Maclean Paints said they would be happy to mix any colour the States required and would formulate it to ensure a complete cover-up and protection against vandalism.

There could be a 'silver lining' for Jersey from the financial crisis gripping the Eurozone.  Experts say that vulture funds may flee the EU and relocate to the Island. Meanwhile, local banks are already gearing up to handle multiple currencies as the potential for a break-up of the single currency zone looms large. It has long been rumoured that hidden in bunkers and old German tunnels are a secret cache of Reichmarks  which may be made available to the German government if required.  

A repeat of the 'flying banana' controversy has been avoided after a last-minute intervention by the new Chief Minister. Senator Ian Gorst stepped in to stop taxpayers' money being spent employing private design company Baldrick Limited to create a flying turnip. "With the ending of low value consignment relief there would be no savings on exporting flying flowers, flying bananas or flying turnips", said a Treasury spokesman.

The Jersey Chamber of Commerce has put forward proposals that it believes should be adopted to try and make the Island more competitive. It says that the 'Plan B' is necessary as the States is not achieving cost-cutting targets and seems to be prepared to increase taxes at a time when businesses are struggling. Islanders can view the proposals in a special film presentation at Cineworld, called "Plan B from Outer Space",

Plan B from Outer Space starring....

The late Bela Lugosi as a Vulture Fund
Hedley Le Maistre as a Jersey Bean
David Warr as a Coffee Bean
Peter Body as "The Businessman"
Jeremy Macon as Best Boy
A Snoring States Member as A Zombie

Special Economic Effects by Maclean Light Industrial Magic
Musical accompaniment by Geoff Cook and the Chamber Orchestra
Produced and directed by Ed Wood