Friday Funnies

I've been trawling through the archives again, and as it is Friday, it's time for jokes. Here are a few timeless jokes from "Thinks!", the Channel Island Mensa Magazine, edited by Ken Webb, dating from 1984.

TO DO - OR NOT TO DO?
Jos Smuts du Toit, Cape Town Mensa

In these days of escalating costs one may be tempted to tackle repairs oneself in order to save the exorbitant cost of calling in a repair man. As a word of warning to the budding do-it-yourselfer, it should be borne in mind that the following immutable DIY Laws apply:-

Law No.1. Any DIY job requiring ten minutes work is always preceded by two hours of labour which has to be done because "someone" has a) borrowed, stolen or lost the necessary tools, or b) broken the step-ladder giving the only access to the job, or c) used up the last of the paint/sandpaper/cement, and the shops are closed for the week-end.

Law No.2. Any appliance requiring repair has been previously repaired with "x" screws; (x - 1) screws can be removed without difficulty, but the final screw can only be removed by effecting the total destruction of the appliance itself. This is the manufacturers' trick known as "screwing the customer".

Law No.3. No matter how many thousand nuts, bolts and screws of various shapes and sizes the DIY man may have accumulated over a lifetime none of these will fit the appliance to be repaired as the exact nut/bolt/screw required is a) lost, or b) longer, or c) shorter, or d) of larger or smaller diameter, or e) left handed thread, or f) cut with a Patagonian knife-sharpener's patent micrometer thread of variable pitch, the dies for which were all- melted down in 1932.

YOU WIN SOME - YOU LOSE SOME!

The other day, coming out of the bathroom, I noticed a towel on the floor. "I wonder," thought I, "If Webb still has the dexterity he had in his youth?"

I stretched out my foot, caught the towel in my toes, tossed it into the air and caught it with one hand. A gratifying smile spread across my face.

My wife who happened to be passing, made the following comment:-

"You really are getting old. You can't even bend down now."

APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY

The following notice was pinned at eye level in front of every cashier in a certain bank: "To err is human. To forgive is not Bank policy."

NEEDS MUST...

A gentleman found himself in a field confronted by an irate bull. His only avenue of escape was the branch of a tree - unfortunately ten feet above the ground.

With amazing alacrity and no little athleticism he ran and jumped - and missed it! However, he caught it on the way down.